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Having Trouble Being Ordinary
Twoapenny:
Hello you lot.
I am having a lot of 'realisations' at the moment and wanted to scribble them down before I forget or dismiss them.
I have realised how much I exist in a fantasy world inside my head. There is a sort of film running of how my life ought to be and what I keep imagining it's like - and it's very different from the reality. In it, I'm young, attractive, slim, popular, adored by a wonderful man and have a beautiful home, lovely children, a good job, lots of money and so on. I've had that sort of image in my head for years, of what life will be like 'one day'. The reality is I'm in my 40s, overweight, unfit, would be more attractive if I made an effort, haven't been on a date in years and rent a run down house on a horrible estate in a really unpleasant area that I detest (not least because my mum lives across the road). We're always very short of cash, I've not been out to work for over a decade (despite the fact I'm professionally qualified) and the only bit of my fantasy life that is true is that I have a beautiful son who I adore.
I've also realised that I'm constantly, constantly on the alert for criticisms people can make about me. I'm acutely aware of how I look and sound, what I say, how I behave and the way I come across. My first thought (when asked a question) is what the other person wants me to say. I am really in desperate need of telling my so called friends how terribly lonely I am and how let down I feel that so few of them call or visit (or return my calls when I ring them) but what stops me is knowing that I might make them feel guilty. So I carry this enormous burden constantly and the root of all of it is that I mustn't upset anyone or inconvenience them, or make them feel bad about themselves.
I feel a desperate need to be outstanding in some way - either in terms of my personality, being terribly kind and loving, doing an amazing job with my son, holding down an amazing job, coping with my son's disability without complaining - something to make me special and stand out from the crowd.
The truth is my life is very mundane and very, very ordinary. It's just like millions of other people's - just getting through the day as best I can. I always had this thing in my mind that one day I would do something truly amazing and everyone would think I was brilliant. Of course it's never happened, and it probably never will (unless I have some incredible undiscovered talent that no-one knows about!!!!!).
So all of this has been whizzing around in my head for the last few days. I have been trying very hard to live in the moment but my brain really detests that! I find it so hard to do, because the moment is just so ORDINARY!! And the thought of being just an ordinary, regular person just doesn't seem to fit with me - even though it's what I am.
Thank you for listening xx
Hopalong:
Oh bravo, Tupp.
What a deeply authentic and empowering post.
I think some peace is on the other side of this kind of thinking.
I really do.
love
Hops
Meh:
Well that is a ferkload of honesty .... if you can see yourself that sharply then at least you are not really deluding yourself.
I spent the greater part of my day in Skype with some guy who lives in Indiana debating philosophy and religion and politics because I don't have a life.. yep ruining my eyeballs on this screen time
life is just somehow intensely disappointing for many folks I think
teartracks:
Twoapenny - Reading your post, I hear the voice of a loving mother, and a talented communicator who is honest and sincere. Those are not ordinary traits. The vessel that is you is filled with a treasure trove of amazing traits, gifts and talents - that's what I believe !
river:
Well I recon ordinary + real is the new beautiful.
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