Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Sex and not wanting sex

(1/4) > >>

Overcomer:
Hey all.  Touchy subject here.  (Long time no hear……)

As a young woman I was very promiscuous.  I don't know if I was looking for love or if it was the times (late 70s and early 80s.)  My ex was a narcissist and a sex addict.  We never had sex because he obsessively masturbated or looked outside the marriage for sex.  Men, women it just didn't matter to him.  I was repulsed by him and we finally got divorced.

Then I married this husband.  We had sex all the time in the beginning (like most new relationships.)  I got cancer and it really went away.  He respected the fact that I had no hormones, I was bald, I was sick and tired and we didn't do it very  much.

Then I have lost a lot of weight due to the cancer and the doc put him on Wellbutrin to help him to stop smoking.  Instead of him not smoking, now he has a libido that won't quit.  I have NO libido since my hysterectomy and I am always so tired.  But he plans on sex at least once a week and if I try to get out of it he throws some kind of a hissy fit.  I usually agree and just lay there while he has his way with me.  I figure then I'll have a week where he leaves me alone.

So we had sex on Tuesday and now he wants it again today.  He bargained with me.  I'll vacuum IF we have sex.

What should I do?  My one friend says, just do it!  If you don't he'll look elsewhere for it.  My other friend says she cannot believe how disrespectful it is for him to plan to have sex when I am tired most the time and trying to battle cancer.

Hopalong:
There are so many ways of responding to this, and only the one that is both achievable and bearable (hopefully with SOME enjoyment) could make sense. I'e heard everything from folks moving to an open marriage (where he'd seek it elsewhere with your blessing) to a do-what-you-have=to-but-I-don't-want-to-know, to divorce, to sacrificial celibacy (on his part), to whatever. I don't know how to advise anybody else on something so difficult, but I do roam the internet when I'm stuck.

Here's a Google search I did, hope it helps...
https://www.google.com/search?q=what+to+do+when+you+have+no+sex+drive+and+your+spouse+does&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

Love to you Kel,
Hops

teartracks:


There's a principle I'm dancing around concerning your question, but it's touchy.
Would he ask you to put on the new Nikes in the closet and go for a walk if you had no feet?
tt

BonesMS:

--- Quote from: teartracks on December 29, 2014, 01:34:07 AM ---

There's a principle I'm dancing around concerning your question, but it's touchy.
Would he ask you to put on the new Nikes in the closet and go for a walk if you had no feet?
tt

--- End quote ---

Good question, TT!

Overcomer:
See, I think I shouldn't have to do it, either.  We are both 55 years old and I tell ya I think my husband has the libido of an 18 year old man but can't back it up if you know what I mean.  He said something about his needs and I told him to go get a girlfriend!!!  I have been married for 12 years and seriously I yearn for intelligent conversation like I got from my sex addict first husband.  I guess you could say if I could blend the two men I might get a great guy.

I go through my ups and downs.  Most of the time the relationship is tolerable and even good but occasionally I just want out.  He seems to focus on the negatives and is always complaining about something.  He's a hostile driver and I usually have to endure his road rage.  He's a terrible drunk but has cleaned up.  He argues with me all the time mostly because I think he has a need to be right.  He talks non stop about the same things.  Usually shoes, pants, shirts, ties or the group, Journey. 

I know the cancer will take me in the next 1-10 years depending on how aggressive it gets and if I decide to continue fighting it with chemo.  I'd like to move into a smaller home and get divorced.  He can take his God forsaken dogs with him and I can live in peace.  However, there would be no peace in going through with it and having to move.  I don't have the energy to do anything as it is so how could I make this huge leap??

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page