do you send gifts to nephew/niece of Nsibling?

[DJ]

Hi all, I've read alot of this board and it's helped to validate alot of things in my life.   Since Christmas is arriving, I was wondering whether or not to send gifts to my niece and nephew (10yrs & 13 yrs old) at my Nsisters house?  She's divorced (go figure) and her x-husband has primary custoday of her 2 kids (wonder why!)    
I'm 52 and she's 49, and we have NEVER gotten along.  She's a classic histrionic (diagnosed).   My husband and I are at a point where we think it's okay not to bother with gifts, since the kids know us and have received gifts in the past and hopefully will love us simply because we're their aunt & uncle.  
  This past May I decided to completely detach from her, another Nsister (they are joined at the hip) and my Nmom (who vacations with them).  I'm left out for obvious reasons.  After detatching, Nsis said if I wanted to see HER kids, "arrangements can be made if you want to see the kids".  I don't have any kids (infertility) so there's no cousins involved.    I told her,  I she didn't apologize and treat me with some respect, she would force me to contact her kids through her Xhusband who has primary residence anyway, and I could mail things there.  
  But at this point I'm thinking why send anything to them.   We live a plane ticket away, and only see them once a year if that.   I WILL NOT be seing my Nsisters (I have 2!) and my NMom this year and maybe ever againl.   I do have another stepsister and her daughter who have seen the light of the 3 N's I'm referring to and do not plan on communicating with them either.   I'll appreciate any input.  Thanks, DJ

[Anonymous]

I would send the gifts to the place where the nephew and niece are (their father's house). The gifts are for them, not for their mother.

bunny

[DJ]

Thanks bunny, that's what I'm thinkin. . . I forgot to mention my Nsis does have the kids every other weekend or something like that.   But I can't be guaranteed they'll get the gifts, since she could intercept them.  Last year I sent them 2 cards with money in them, and while I was standing in her kitchen asking if they rec'd them, she said "oh I havn't checked the mail yet".   She said this TO MY FACE for 2 days, while I was there.  She wouldn't go to the mailbox!!!    She could have cared less.

[catlover]

I agree with Bunny.  Don't take your anger at parents out on the kids.  My nmother drove a lot of people (including family members) away from me, and it was a very lonely existence.  If you want to be an aunt, then send gifts.  Don't assume they will love you just because you're their aunt.  If you don't care to have a relationship with them, that's another story - but it sounds like you do since you think about them loving you.

[DJ]

Thanks gwyneveyre.
I would like to send gifts to the kids, but now I'm torn between WHERE to send them.
Nsis has been divorced over 7 years, and has made it clear that she wants NONE of her family to contact her evil ex.   Even when he was in hospital with a brain aneuyrsm recently and almost died, she didn't want anyone sending him get well cards.  THis is still the FATHER of her kids whether she likes him or not!
So, I would be the first and only one in the family to send a card or anything to ex's house.   I'm not convinced he was the bad guy,  which is one of the many reasons she hates me.
 I think even though she would be livid if I sent them to her ex's house, that is the safest place for me to mail things.   Her thoughts and manipulation of her family is to alienate her Ex from us, so it would look better for her in the custody battle.  None of us really dislike him, it's just SHE controls most of the family because she lords her kids over them.   If you mess with her, you don't see her kids (grandma, etc.).   However, I don't want to play her game.  Everyone is AFRAID to do what I'm about to do, send gifts to HIS house. . .  
But just the thought of writing her address on something makes me ill.  I want NO contact with Nsis at all. . .  
Does this info change anyone's advice?  I'm not afraid of rocking the boat with her, since she has always mistreated/distrespected me anyway.  Talk about being voiceless with her, I can do NOTHING right anyway. Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

The info doesn't change my mind, it only makes me more certain of it. So what if she doesn't want people contacting her ex. This is a free country and we have the right to free association. I bet your being the first to send something to the ex will open the door to others.


bunny

[Anonymous]

P.S. How can she prevent you from seeing the kids if you can visit them at their father's?

[Anonymous]

Not wanting anyone to contact her "evil" (likely N projection) X is not a surprising thing for a narcissist to say.  Why give what she says any creedance at all?  Even if you were not, but particularly since you are estranged from her completely now.

I'd send the kids the usual gifts at their dad's place.  Sending to her place is coddling to her sick request, and also maintaining contact with the N, which you don't want.

If you want to stop the sending for unrelated reasons {some people stop once the kids get to a certain age or if there is little seeing/contact} then that is different.  But even so, I wouldn't stop at a time that it looks connected to the astrangement from their mother, like it might now.  It is so soon after.   I'd wait at least a year, and then at least always send a card.

[bludie]

I'd do what feels right to you. And I am so much of a proponent of not dragging kids into the subtrafuge whenever possible. So what if your N-sister gets mad or doesn't like it? If you've ceased contact you won't be around to experience the foment or machinations.

[catlover]

Hi DJ,
My nmother hates her evil X too, and has given me a really hard time because I refuse to stop associating with him (he's my step-dad, they got married when I was 15).  Based on what I've read on this message board, this is typical behavior for an N - since they must be 100% right all the time, then if things don't work out it must be that the other person is 100% wrong.  Anyways, I concur with what folks have said - send the gifts to their dad's house!  If he has major custody, she can't prevent you from seeing them...
Gwyn