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Rejection and Self-Esteem

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Twoapenny:
Hi Sunblue,

I think all anyone can do if they are unhappy about anything at all with or in their life is to just try and keep chipping away at it, and I think that's what we are all doing on here, little by little, stripping down the things that have made us unhappy and slowly replacing them, ideally with better things but sometimes it's just other things that make us unhappy and then we have to do it all over again!  I've found rejection and that massive voice that shouts 'NO-ONE WANTS YOU' so hard to bear, and still do, but I think we learn, don't we, and little by little it starts to change and become something else.  I know that I don't feel rejection as keenly as I used to and I am better at thinking about what I want than I used to be.

I think things like going to the gym and watching your diet are great because you are focusing on you, so it's good from a changing perspective point of view as well as being good for the body and mind.  I try and say to myself now "Progression, not perfection".  Some days are better than others but keep chipping away at it all, for me I at least need to feel like I really tried my best to change, even though it doesn't always go the way I want it to!  I'm just grateful I figured out that I didn't want to stay the way I was, if that makes sense?  My mum never has, she's been miserable her whole life but it's never occured to her that she might be able to do something about that herself and at least we all have that insight and that desire to change, I think that makes a big difference.  Keep on keeping on! :)

sea storm:
Things heat up very fast on Internet romances. Dangerously so because there is no body language attached, So 80 percent of the information about the person is missing. It is easy to get hooked and very addictive. No negative reinforcement just all sweetness and light and very agreeable.

Unfortunately, I know this from experience.  It was like whoopty do!!! when I would get an email from him. He was so witty and smart and responsive. This went on for a year and a half until we spoke on the phone and it was like a monumental change. I think now that it was like Sheldon and Amy getting a turtle. On the phone I could detect so much more. When the conversation was not completely about him he could barely suppress  yawning. I was very lonely so I just let things that were icky about him go. I had nothing to lose I thought. Wrong. I got swept up in it and carried away. It took up way to much of my time and any real life I might be able to develop.

Finally we met and we were not attracted physically to each other. I think maybe he would go at it with any willing female and he said as much but I did not like the look of him. What I learned is that I filled in the blanks with my imaginary perfect guy lover but that was not him. I only got out of it because I wasn't too hooked but I saw that I could easily be sucked in. We still talk on the phone and hardly ever email. Curiously, I think we both felt relieved to be single.  He came to visit me and stayed for the longest three days imaginable. I did not even want to make him coffee.  This was after it became obvious that he likes and expects to be waited on.  It gets worse........
I gave him a kimono but he saw one he liked a lot more and I ended up giving him that one because he liked it so much. It was three times more valuable. I did it again. Attracted to a narcissist.

we still talk on the phone and have great conversations  that last for over an hour.  Often two hours.  No wonder. He is a pathologist assistant  and an astrologist. I am carful not to fire things up again though. I felt that I had better get connected to the real human race and it was like coming off heroin or stopping smoking. Real people seemed so drab compared to the Internet affair.

Sea

Hopalong:
My favorite book about dating, A Fine Romance by Judith Sills, gave me 3 hugely important pieces of advice that I think would save many people a lot of anguish and waste. She said, basically:

1) If you "meet" someone online, and there's enough immediate interest based on what they've already posted about themselves, and one of you emails--MAKE SURE TO EXCHANGE JUST ANOTHER QUICK AND SHORT EMAIL OR TWO TO SET UP YOUR FIRST DATE (for coffee, not a full evening). That's it!

Her point was that it's crucial NOT to "begin a correspondence" and let your fantasizing about who the other person is get started at all. Have a healthy, clear boundary on waiting until you meet to decide whether to invest more emotion, time and thought into that person. Keep it light and short until then.

There is no person to relate to (or have a "relationship" with) until you have met. Chemistry, body language, how someone speaks to a server in a restaurant...none of that essential info is available to you online.

So, Sills said, DON'T "begin a big correspondence or share deeply by email." DO make a ftf (face-to-face) date and make it quickly and make it no-strings. "Let's meet and see how it goes!"

I spent decades believing that epistolary relationships were real. AFTER knowing someone well, they could be...but before, just me and my imagination. Which was not enough.

2) Another big takeaway for me from her book was to look at every date in early stages as PRACTICE. Not as a relationship, something terribly important with an enormous outcome, or something to get worked up about. "It's all PRACTICE." That helped enormously to lighten up my attitude and make it so much easier to enjoy meeting new people.

3) Lastly, something that helped me tremendously was to make clear in my early email to anyone that I like people in general and always enjoy hearing someone's life story and that I look at it this way: "If either of us decides not to keep going [a helpful phrase for a farewell email is, "I've enjoyed meeting you but feel we're not a match"], that is fine, too! I wish you the best in finding someone who's right for you." ["Feel we're not a match" is about how an individual feels, and we just feel how we feel. Nobody can "argue" about that -- or if they do, make tracks!]

When I said something like that earlier on, it helped me feel both less trapped OR less abandoned when nothing long-term came of an encounter. I could keep my goodwill toward the person and the process while still moving on intact. (Or recovering quickly if they wanted to move on.)

So far, though I am not dating a whole lot, when I do meet someone--those 3 points have helped me a ton.

love
Hops

sunblue:
Hi Hops!

Thanks for all the great advice!  I have not really done the online dating thing although I suppose I should try it.  The reason the situation I wrote about was so hurtful to me, I think, is that this guy wasn't a stranger.  We had gone to school together and even dated some years ago.  We kept in touch via social media and when we re-connected, he preferred to communicate via social media.  However, I considered him a friend first and foremost because of our history together.  That's why, I think, I was so hurt by his rejection and behavior.  I realize he never thought of me as a friend and never would.  He clearly was not interested in friendship or a relationship of any sort.  I was also saddened that he chose to hurt me at a time when he knew I was going through a lot of loss and pain.

So, it hit my self-esteem hard.  But yes, I totally agree that when you meet someone new, a social media-only mode of communication is not the way to go.  Meeting someone face-to-face can nip any problem in the bud pretty quickly.

Lately, I've been trying to face a lot of things after the loss of my dad.  It just would have been nice to have had a friend at this time.

Thanks again for listening and responding!

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