I haven't written in a while, but I'm a long time member.
I'm 41, married, have 3 children. My mother: 63/NPD, my father: 65/Co-enabler and borderline personality, Vietnam PTSD, and alcoholism.
I (along with my wife and kids) went NC with my parents a few years ago and it's been a rough ride. My mother never stopped sending little messages to me, and to my older children, and finding ways to "try me in absentia" over the last years. She has become increasingly short and course toward me and my wife as time has gone by, and my father has become increasingly protective over her and more bitter and severe toward me the longer I've stayed away.
My mother is the type of NPD that derives supply from claiming to have medical ailments. Running to the hospital is a regular occurrence. She will stop at nothing to try to prove to others how sick she is, and on any given day, anyone who talks to her is usually met with a list of her illnesses and conditions and all of the reasons why she might not live long - and likely some theatrics.
Over these last years, since I went NC with them, my father has continued to work 7 days a week, and at home, has become nothing less than a slave to her continual medical problems which, it is difficult to know to what degree they are real. As I understand it, he cooks, cleans, bathes her, medicates her, helps her walking, and is her only way to leave the house when necessary. At the same time he has become so protective over my mother - so much so that my wife and I have begun to refer to him as "Gollum" with his "Precious". When I have had only the slightest disagreement with the messages my mother has sent me, my father has lashed out at me quickly and harshly.
There is the small matter of an 8 pg letter he wrote me 5 years ago which detailed all of the reasons why he blames me for "everything that has happened and gone wrong" in his life. No matter how I try, I cannot seem to forgive him for it. He sees my mother and I as the only players in the triangle of dysfunction I was born into - and refuses to see the part he plays. (Mother and I disagree, argue - he attacks me on her behalf - repeat)
I began to hear rumours that my mother was deathly sick a few weeks ago and heard varying stories about which hospital she had been admitted to, and her outlook. My father never called me to tell me anything was wrong, and has never responded to me since this began. Some of the news came from friends of my parents who had made others swear they would not tell me what was going on with my mother. Nonetheless, I heard the news. After researching and talking to a few people, I understand that her heart is failing, as are her kidneys, and she has a rare lung problem - and the doctors at the hospital have given her an outlook of between 2 weeks - 3 months to live, which has evoked strange emotions in me.
I feel like, if I do not visit her to say goodbye, despite everything she and my father have put me and my family through, I will regret it someday. At the same time, I have been told that my father is so bitter toward me that it will be a challenge to visit her with him hovering over her room.
I dont know what to do. I cant help but feel that it may be another trick - as in, if I take the time and put myself and my wife through the emotions of making a visit, and then my mother goes home and lives on for a long time and I find out it was never as bad as it seemed.
And then last night, after 10pm (assuredly after my father left the room after visiting hours) for the first time since this episode began, I received a text message from my mother rife with guilt and blame toward me, directing me to call my father to ask him for the "chance" to visit her.
I'm so mixed up. I can't stand them, yet I'm stuck in this tumbling dance and I cannot wait until it's just over. Is it better for my sanity in the distant future to make one last visit now? Should I take her tone in her text as a reminder and stay away? I dont know.
