NBehavior

[Ales2]

Here is a recent happening with Nmother that I think explains why knowing Nist behavior and how to handle it is so important. This happened in the last six weeks.

I set a boundary  - no surprise visits.

She violates the boundary - She comes to my apartment on a Tuesday night around 8pm. I catch her pulling out of my driveway, but she doesn’t stop to acknowledge me, tries to make a quick getaway, so I follow her to the freeway entrance which is about  9 blocks and 5 turns away. When I arrive home, I see she did not leave a note or package and there are no messages on my phone.

I call her every day for about three weeks, but she never answers the phone and the voice mail is either off or full, so no messages can be left. (Keep in mind my mother is 79 and doesn’t have an active enough life to have a full mailbox). I am unable to reach her to discuss the issue.

When I do confront her six weeks later on my birthday when I call her back from a message she leaves me, first she claims she was never there – then I tell I followed her and was sure its her, then she claims she can’t remember if she came by ( I live 100 miles away, from Santa Barbara to Toluca Lake, it’s a conscious trip, she needs at least a tank of gas to come here and a long drive on a very crowded freeway, i.e  US-101.)   Then she tries to tell me I am imagining things.

Okay, anybody with some professional counseling could see and identify the pattern here :
AC Sets a boundary,
NM violates the boundary
AC Attempts to confront the boundary violation via phone
NM delays communication via avoidance, passive aggressive tactics
AC confronts NM, NM denies actions, then lies, then gaslights.

I'm sure when you break it down as I did above, the pattern is so obvious its comical. Ive learned I can chart it and then can find successful interventions.

Thanks for all your posts, they are much appreciated.

[lighter]

Ales:

Your mom has a talent for getting, and keeping, your attention.

She's likely never going to respect the boundaries  you set. 

She'll never admit what she's done either.

Does charting, and identifying the pattern her patterns change the way you feel about what she's doing?

Lighter

[Overcomer]

Ales2:  So she drives by but doesn't knock?  Or she knocks and you ignore her???

If she knocks and you ignored her good for you!!!  Not being available when you said NO VISITS is perfect!!  I always felt obligated to open the door.

Like the time she called me and told me a friend and my nephew were at her house and they were coming over to see my new house (night, house a mess, etc.)  I said no, I am not taking visitors.  Ten minutes later they are at the door.  I was furious because I couldn't say anything in front of friend.  But if I had to do it over again I would have turned out all the lights and not answered the door.  Then if she asked me about it I would simply tell her "I said no and went to bed!"

If she drove all that way just to drive by?  Then I think that is weird....

Kelly

[ann3]

Bravo Ales2!!!!
You totally nailed it!

I agree that we have to know how the Ns think & act because they're sooooo predictable. 
You put up a boundary, NM violated it, then denied it & gaslighted you.  That's textbook Nism!

Gawd, still acting like an N at 79!!  One would hope there'd be some wisdom by that age, but nope, age does not confer wisdom.  Your NM is pathetic, but you did GREAT!!

[Ales2]

Hi Ann 3  - Thanks for your kind words. Yes its Txtbook Nism, the irony is that "age doesn't confer wisdom" applies to me as well --- it took me many years to truly see and identify her destructive behaviors this way.

Overcomer - she drives by, she can't knock directly on my door, she has to use a cell phone for me to let her in the building as I don't have the intercom plugged in. Other neighbors have let her in the main entry to drop things at my door, mostly because she is an old elderly lady, i.e not dangerous or suspicious.  I think she drives by hoping to see me, then doesnt have anything else to do besides leave a phone message and THIS TIME she got caught leaving the driveway without a call or note. NOT COOL.

Lighter - the charting events is a shorter way of explaining it and identifying behaviors once we understand them. Try telling a story like this to a police officer, therapist, school official or HR rep and you can see the value of the transactional analysis (even if they disagree with you).  Ive noticed that wounded folks tend to sound more like victims than they really are with telling an incident the long way.   And, yes, I absolutely know she can't change and wont, not do I expect her to, its just for my own sanity.

Ive contemplated putting this down in a letter to her, not expecting change, but merely to document that I have confronted her with behavior patterns. From what I can read online, confronting Ns can be either dangerous or just unproductive, so not something I will do.

Thanks all for the comments.

[ann3]

it took me many years to truly see and identify her destructive behaviors this way.

Ales,
I think it took many of us decades to identify the behavior because it is such a subtle thing, like a frog in a slow boiling pot of water.  When we have an NM, this is the behavior we grew up with, so it feels "normal".  Then there's the gaslighting & denial, so it's difficult to name it.

Re: that letter:  IMO, you're correct:  Please don't confront the N, it's not productive.  You could write it in your diary or write a letter & burn it.

[Ales2]

Had an awful screaming match with my NM this morning. She called me so I called back . First we argued over a bank error. Then she told me she has an appointment in my town and wants to meet for dinner. I said no and told her not to drive or stop by. That escalated into a "you are hiding something" accusation. No I'm not hiding anything, I have appointments today.  I have been very specific about no visits, no surprise visits those are my boundaries.  Her response is "YOU AND YOUR BOUNDARIES!."
 
I was SO ANGRY. She told me she sees what I write on the internet which is fine by me and somehow mentioned she a "person" she sees. I think she means therapist although I have some doubts.

She called back later to say she changed her appointment in town so she can come again next week. Whatever, the woman is psycho and I just want to be left alone. She continually wants to see me and harass me.

The next day she calls back and tries to meet up with me again saying she changed her in town appointment to today.  Again, I tell her I have appointments in search for a job.

I think she is seeing one of these therapists that help parents deal with estranged children. I think they are short term solution oriented therapists that get the parent to accept the loss, without investigating the cause behind the loss. Their belief (my guess entirely here from reading blogs) is that parents and children need to be separate and they try to get the parents to see that. Ive heard sometimes they advocate "cutting off" adult children from financial help, but frequently I don't think these people realize that not all the children are the manipulators or moochers, sometimes the parents are underminers, saboteurs and control freaks who are incapable of cutting off their children. Not sure they always see the dynamics at work.