new to this

[crookedtree]

I am new to this in two ways - first, posting on a message board, so please forgive me (or enlighten me) if I break any unwritten rules.  

Second, I am in the aha stage of realizing what exactly is up with my mother.  In the past I thought she was kinda bipolar or maybe paranoid or some combination of both.  But now I have read a bit about NPD, it fits her to a "T".  I am oscillating between anger and disgust for her, pity and guilt, and joy and calm because I finally see the light.
I have ordered the book, Children of the Self-Absorbed:  A Grown Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.  Apparently it has some hints on actual coping strategies.  In the meantime, however, I need some advice on how to respond to the following *&%@! she dishes out.  I do NOT want to cut contact completely yet, because I am afraid to until I know what I'm doing -it will for sure spark a huge explosion and we are close in terms of geography.

1.  silence - she phones and is silent, or if she doesn't like a response is silent -
my usual response is to eventually break it (are you still there, is there a problem) which usually provokes tears and "I'm fine" or alternatively rage and accusations.

2.  Guilt trips - "Will you be coming to the funeral?" in a sarcastic manner meant to show I have not visited my hometown for awhile; "Your father has been having heart trouble and it is obviously due to this business with *** and me" - referring to the no contact rule that my partner has set down with my mom since a blow up this summer; "Banishment is the worst abuse in the world - I saw that on Dr. Phil and he said that no contact, or banishment, is the worst abuse, and I don't understand how you can be with a partner who disrespects your mother that much."
(hmmm, that goes beyond guilt into divide and conquer, her old standby) -
On the guilt aspect, I have tried confronting her by saying, you are trying to make me feel guilty, aren't you?  but she has great coping mechanisms (thanks to NPD, I'm beginning to think) and accuses my partner of turning me against her, or cries and says basically how can I think that about her or deflects in some other way

3.  Using my father as her backup power generator- "Your father agrees with me."  "Your father is under so much stress right now because of you."  "Your father and I were thinking...<insert any type of criticism here>"  
I have not responded at all to the using my father part, I just ignore it, but I am angry about how she treats my dad, so I am afraid to respond for fear that I'll lose it with her and that will definitely escalate the situation.

Those are the three behaviours I have trouble coping with, and would appreciate any advice for the interim.  The good thing about mom is, she talks non-stop so usually I can get away with just listening.  I am super angry right now but my job is about masking my emotions to a certain extent, so I HOPE I can see this as a job, in a way.  Thanks in advance for your tips.

[Anonymous]

1.  silence - she phones and is silent, or if she doesn't like a response is silent - my usual response is to eventually break it (are you still there, is there a problem) which usually provokes tears and "I'm fine" or alternatively rage and accusations.

Welcome to the group. My mom does the 'silent treatment' thing all the time. It is quite unnerving. Here's how I now handle it. I say, "Mom - mom? Are you still there?" (coldly) "Yes." "Well, I've got to go, bye." And I end the conversation. I'm not going to stay on the phone with a sulker. If it turns into rage/accusations, I suggest saying: "Mom. Mom. I am not going to listen to this. We'll talk again when you're calm. I have to hang up now. Goodbye."  Yes it will be hard but this is a boundary and you can set it. You aren't obliged to listen to her crap. There's no law that says you do.

2.  Guilt trips - "Will you be coming to the funeral?" in a sarcastic manner meant to show I have not visited my hometown for awhile; "Your father has been having heart trouble and it is obviously due to this business with *** and me" - referring to the no contact rule that my partner has set down with my mom since a blow up this summer; "Banishment is the worst abuse in the world - I saw that on Dr. Phil and he said that no contact, or banishment, is the worst abuse, and I don't understand how you can be with a partner who disrespects your mother that much."

It's ironic how many N's quote Dr. Phil. They love him! Anyway, I would simply not listen to this garbage, it's abuse. There's no reason to defend yourself. Do the "mom- mom. I have to go now because you're yelling/putting down my partner/etc. We'll talk when you're calmer." Repeat this in a parrot-like fashion each time she starts up, as it will take repetition to sink in.

I think the main thing is to cut her off, block her, and don't let her rant and rave at you. When she sees you mean business, I think she will actually give up some of this acting out.

bunny

[crookedtree]

you know, when I read your reply, I was smiling  - feeling like, no way!  that is so devious; and the other thing I noticed is that I covered up my smile with my hand... reminds me of whoopi in the color purple
it is amazing that I can seem to be so assertive in every area of my life, except my relationship with my mother, and when i think about being assertive with her, it is an outrageous plan, a giant leap of imagination, but in any event, i will take your advice... thank you

[JPBill]

Hi Crookedtree.."Outrageous leap of imagination". Boy can I relate to that feeling. I have struggled so much to learn to be assertive with my g/f, to be kind but firm, and maintain my boundaries, and the peace. I've had very little luck. When I call her on something I see as hurtful, and carefully explain how I feel about it, I am accused of having an anger problem. She says so because, after being browbeaten with not a moment allowed to respond, I become frustrated, and raise my voice. Then she leaves, having won her point about my anger. So, today I am trying, through meditation and continuous vigilence over my emotions, to not allow any of this to be personal, or to be hooked into having to make my point. I'm giving her space to express whatever she wants. I'm a little concerned that i'm being controlled, again, by not being allowed what she seems to have aplenty, though she really doesn't rage, it's more a cold contempt, look and sound of deep disappointment in me, when I complain about something.
     Anyway, thanks for your post..oh and by the way..the silence..ugh..I know that when i hear the silence, that i'm in trouble, and I quickly go over all that I may have said to figure what it might have been. Not sure if my g/f is N or not as yet, but certainly immature in doing things like that..the drama..oh the drama. Bye for Now

[bludie]

...continuous vigilence over my emotions....

Toward the end of my relationship with my ex-N-fiance, I began a mindful meditation class that was an oasis amid the chronic conflict and stress. Learning to be present with and breathe during difficult emotions or experiences is an invaluable tool. My only concern is how much energy would be needed to maintain constant vigilance over one's own emotions. This does sound like control and, possibly, not being true to one's self. I hope that if you continue this practice it's for YOU and not simply to deflect or offset what sounds like unreasonable behavior from your girlfriend. When I look back and realize how much energy I spent on trying to change myself in an effort to create harmony and peace in a completely unreasonable situation, it almost defeated the purpose. Just my experience, for what it's worth.

[Anonymous]

Thanks Bludie. This is also a concern I have. I'm depending on that same meditation, inner silence to reveal the truth as to when to, as an old country song said, hold em, fold em, walk away, or run. I Love this woman, and  hope she can heal from her chronic sadness, paranoia, victimization. She's smart and pretty, and healthy, and it's sad she lives in such chronic unhappiness.
     Which reminds me. I'm wondering if anyone else's N suffers severe anxiety, physically debilitating anxiety, and chronic worry. And actually talks abouit it. Seems like a not very egomaniacal thing, but then again she does blame it on many things, that if things were different in her world she wouldn't have it. Anyway, thanks again.