Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Anything other than anything
Meh:
I called in sick. I felt slightly guilty but I am harboring anger towards my employer LOL. Since they didn't acknowledge my request for time off a when I request few weeks ago, and since I had just worked an 8 day in a row work week. Today I decided I will take a day off call it mental health day or whatever.
So I just cooked bacon and eggs and having it with coffee right now. It feels like Christmas morning. :) Nice and cozy and at the moment none of my roommates are home.
So more or less today I am saying to my employer: Phuck this Monday. You do Monday suckers.
I'm okay with working, I never hated the idea of work as a concept, it's only that this employer doesn't really respect employees at all. Since I've worked there I have worked on most holidays, worked on Thanksgiving day, also the day before and after Christmas, Labor day etc.
I feel like I have lost myself sometimes. I miss reading books and writing. I spend too much time on the internet. At work in front of computer all day long then I go home and turn it back on.
I'm thinking about locating my resume. It's saved somewhere electronically on my computer. I'm thinking about updating it.
I want to step back and think about the big picture instead of being like a plastic person stuck in a snow globe.
There is a chance I have some depression and motivation issues. Who knows. It's just that I used to get excited about stuff, like making things. Traveling. I had a concept that there was "fun" stuff to do. Now it's like I just think about morbid things. I was listening to a talk radio show yesterday it was about financial investing and planning for old age, see this sort of thing terrifies me. I would rather not think about it. There are some things in my life I would just rather not deal with at all. I feel like I don't even have a chance. I don't think it's anhedonia.
Am contemplating how much time I spend really just sort of racing through my days. I wish I could do more. I don't have a career, it's just a dumb job and even this still feels like I have a pitch fork under my rear end all week. I miss writing and peace and contemplation.
Anyways I am going to take a break from writing this for a few mins.
Meh:
Calling in sick made me feel a little more rested today. Something happens where my whole life begins to feel controlled by a stop watch and I just can't relax. I feel better when I grasp that feeling of relaxedness. That maybe not a word. I am going to say that RELAXEDNESS is a certain state of being that feels good. I think it's possible to maintain some amount of this and simultaneously get on with life. It's the opposite of feeling like a beheaded chicken.
Sometimes I feel a certain amount of stress because I don't know how to appropriately and politely express myself at work. I feel like they don't want us to speak up, of course they don't! The converse side of it is I am not happy if I don't have any input into the job that I do. So I guess this is where I am finding myself at.
Today I did go to work. I didn't call in sick. As expected my stuff was piled up on a new desk in disarray. The desk was filthy because nobody ever cleans them. I taped my name to my keyboard and mouse but they didn't get moved with me. The lighting is different and I am surrounded by more people in a busier part of the office so it heightens that sense of ADHD. I even got a headache today, I am not sure if it was the florescent lights that I have to look towards to face my computer screen. I will find out.
I work more and better when my stuff is in order, when it's clean, when it's mine.
People asked me how I was today and I told every single one of them I was unhappy literally. I'm not happy here. I feel like nobody listens or cares therefore I just repeat it to everybody who asks me.
I found out that they were expecting me to train 3 people today (I already trained 2 people last week). One of the leads (people under supervisors) came over to my desk and started rummaging underneath my personal belongings looking for the devices/cords they need for training. I was already unhappy but this also felt like a violation of my personal space. I feel like I should be allowed to have some personal space at work. I don't rummage around in other people's stuff.
Some of the new hires ask me questions that they shouldn't, ask about raises and their schedules. Things I have nothing to do with. And they are asking me all these questions while I am trying to get my work done.
I snapped at her I said: "It's not under there" in a pissy voice. I guess this was enough to make her decide it would be better if a new-hire isn't exposed to an unhappy employee.
They said they didn't have very many people available to train the new hires. I think she sat with the person herself and I think she complained to the director of the department about me because I saw her speaking with the director and then the director looking over at me with a ugly face. The thing is I am not a robot, I am a human being and I have feelings. I am not a machine.
From my perspective I'm not getting paid a lot. They just dumped my stuff on a dirty desk and then disrespectfully started going through it like I don't matter at all. I still haven't gotten set up where I am and they want me to train 3 people who are probably a "threat" to my job.
The company is promoting this whole CUSTOMER CARE thing. They changed the name instead of it being CUSTOMER SERVICE. They haven't really changed any of our tools though. They haven't done anything to make our jobs faster and considering that customers are always impatient one would think they could at least do an assessment of this.
It irks me this customer care junk. I guess it bothers me because they expect too much for what the job actually is, it's just a dumb call center.
I'm not a warm person, I don't have it in me. I don't care about very many people. Maybe only my nephews for some reason.
Hopalong:
I hate to say this, Boat...but you might possibly be risking sabotaging your emmployment.
NOT because anything you feel is inappropriate -- but because your understandable resentment is leaking out.
You're resisting, and in my experience, management always senses that.
There really is no privacy or space ownership in the workplace, and your workplace sounds chaotic.
I don't know if you want to keep the job (couldn't blame you if you didn't) but before you go all Norma Rae
you want to be sure you have an exit plan.
Getting fired would be worse than resigning in your own time with something else to go to.
I don't know how hard it would be, but to avoid triggering anyone there who's vindictive, it might even
be worth emailing the person you snapped at (with a CC to the director who gave you a look) some short short
thing about, "Just want to say I'm sorry I was impatient the other day, I'm still not feeling quite right from being sick. I know we're
all stressed right now."
But I wouldn't make it longer than that or open the door to more because, in honestly, no matter
what is (or would be) fair, or reasonable, or the right way to treat people, or respectful, or appreciative.......
It's
not
going
to
happen
there.
:(
Hops
Meh:
I hear you Hops. You are right, I know that you are.
For me though I do feel like I have a say in my own life all the time. The feeling that I am being force-fed something makes me uncomfortable and even angry. My employer doesn't own me. I think employees can still attempt to make choices at work. The fact that they were able to work out the situation without dumping it all on me was proof that they don't have to be like that. I don't want to be miserable at my job. The president of the company doesn't have people rifling through her stuff. I really do feel like a low class citizen as an employee and that really doesn't make sense. They are just paying me to help customers. They are not paying me to help keep their business staffed. It's also not a sadomasochistic dungeon
I dislike the idea and feeling that I have no control over how my day is going to be 40 hours a week. That is like 25% of my life. I think I deserve to feel good during that 25%. There is no reason not to.
There is also no reason for me to help other employees become better.
Not to mention this job is only keeping me afloat it's not like I am ever going to retire. I have no retirement savings and I'm just getting older.
Anyways it's not important stuff it's just that all these things eat away at me and I guess I like to type it out, give it a voice.
I wish I had a place. A nice place that was mine and I don't have such a thing anywhere. It's exhausting in someways. Where can I relax.
Meh:
Find myself watching TV shows on laptop one episode after the next episode on my days off of work. I really like watching TV. It's sort of like reading a book. I enjoy it.
Also I feel guilty and wonder if I am depressed, not being an adult, wasting away. Not facing reality.
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