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PR's new saga...
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Lighter.
My mood just went 180 degrees into sadness last night. The yacht club posted their most recent pictures of hubs on facebook and I was happily scrolling along, when WHAM: there he was. I wasn't expecting it and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Great pictures - but OMG - he's not coming back and looking at his picture and realizing that is like shoving a sharp stick in my eye. And I'm bawling again. Dammit. I am so tired of having pockets full of wet kleenex.
So, I'm taking the "day off". Just having a "me" day. I may not do anything except sit around cry. Just because I can and just because sooner or later, I'm going to run out of tears. Saw a post from a professor on FB this morning that I used to work with. Her hubs died 8 yrs ago, about this time of year. She is just now moving -- and still crying. 8 years is a long time. I would be staring at 70 yrs old, if I waited that long to get on with my life. The things that remind me of him - in a good way - are what make me sad. Maybe in a self-pitying sort of way even. I do feel sorry for me.
And the "stuff" -- well, I'm liking that truck idea a lot. Just a one fell swoop - clear the decks of the last 15 years. Finish grieving in MY space, not surrounded by his stuff; or left to keep running into either grief or anger at the sheer amount of stuff left to me, to deal with.
I need that clear space, to figure out how to be ME. And what my life is going to be like NOW. And where I want to BE... and figure out what in the world I'm going to do with myself now. I don't want to spend years sorting through the past.
ann3:
PR,
I can relate to so much to what you're describing. I lost my significant other about 12 years ago. I went to Grief Counseling, where I sat & cried. It was very helpful & wet kleenex was the norm there.
I'm no expert, but, IMO, please don't worry about whether you're "self-pitying". Just feel what you feel. IMO, best to feel it & get it out now, so that you don't suppress those "self-pitying" feelings & wind up holding them in for years & years.
I too had those 180 degree turns, when the harsh reality hit. It's a new life & a new reality. Give yourself time. Try to be kind to yourself. Take as many "days off" & "me" days as you need. IME, you will figure out the new "you" over a period of time.
Re: clearing out the "stuff", I like the idea of a truck too. The truck will disappear the "stuff" fast(er) & then you'll have your space. You get to call the shots now, so if this is what you want, go for it.
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Ann. Your posts are always like beacon cutting through the fog. Right to the point. I like that.
I guess it's easy to expect too much from myself. After all the years spent working through a bunch of "old" grief, I think I should be an expert by now. LOL. There are just so many ways we can be unfair to ourselves.
Maybe I'll start a new thread; about the process of reinvention. A looking forward, dreaming, defining... exercise.
Hopalong:
Big truck. Oh YES.
He is not in his stuff. You could keep just three, or six, or ten things.
It is enough.
What a massive relief. Or if it works, hire those professional estate people...they'll have it sorted/tidied/sold before you know it.
Thank you, dear, for the reminder not to wait years to live one's life.
My T said the same to me today ... I am running out of time.
Have been so STUCK in the quotidian and my escapism. I do want to move forward.
Your forced necessity to do that, and sharing it here...has really helped.
So even in your grief you've inadvertently helped a friend. Funny how that happens.
love to you, and much comfort,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Thanks Hops.
We DO have to go on living; it's something his Mom used to tell me; something he believed too.
So, I choose to see this as a windfall opportunity to intentionally design a life for me. Some of the stuff I've talked about here before will come back up - my skills, how I want to spend my time and where. It'll be some months before I'll be free to decide and execute any plans. So that should be enough time to spin the compass, throw the darts, and explore my "druthers".
No matter what - I don't have a comfort zone right now. But, I also know it's going to be necessary to take some risks. More than I would normally consider. No risks; no growth. Hubs enabled a "safe" life for me... and it was centered on him. Neither of us ventured too far outside that safe zone. Feels pretty vulnerable - exposed. But I don't get to pick the feelings right now.
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