Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
PR's new saga...
debkor:
Oh PR 😭😭😭😭...I just logged on...😭😭😭😭. I'm so very sorry. I'm shocked. Lots of love and hugs in these difficult times to you and your family. Thinking of you and yours. xoxoxoxo
sKePTiKal:
So, all the business side of things needs to conform to the rules & regulations of the day. There is a set procedure. Piece o' cake.
The personal side of things, not so much. I find that my choices of things I might like to do now, are so wide open and cover a spectrum of things I like... that it's daunting to know which way to go. I can fully appreciate why the stock advice is to not make any major decisions for at least 6 months. What if you choose unwisely? (Not saying I'll follow it, because I've had a long time to think about this.)
There is a lot of rapid change, in self, occurring. I guess when one is in a relationship - there is a certain amount of reliquishing decision-making control to accommodate the other person and their preferences. When that commitment is completed with finality, then what I'm finding isn't so much that he's left a big hole... but that I am becoming whole-ly "me". Albeit, I get to keep all the lessons learned from growing together with him and how we interacted. Does that make any sense?
We usually see being "co-dependent" in a really bad light. But to truly be in a loving relationship - there does have to be some "co-existing"; and a trusting reliance on the other; an "us space" - where compromises are made, irritations and quirks and personal struggles are tolerated, and we give up a part of our autonomy for the coziness of having another human in our "inner court". When it works, the other person understands it basically the same way.
Once again, I'm faced with a strange set of challenges - the ability to choose almost any future I want, where ever I want - only this time I don't really have to consider the welfare or opinions of any other person. That's not to say that I'm not HEARING all those opinions about "what I should do now" - LOL - far from it. It's kind of interesting to see what they value, expressed in that advice. And also their fears about potentially being in my shoes themselves.
I'm still cussing him, you know. As I clear away all the stacks of paper and ticky-tacky that he wouldn't let me get rid of. I'm putting furniture where I want it. Finally upgrading the tech stuff and organizing the office, to be functional. Watching what I want to watch on the boob tube instead of the normal stuff -- or turning the damn thing off. My rotating shift of visitors have remarked how odd it is to get up in the morning and there's no sound of tv. Yeah. FINALLY. That thing is like a huge pacifier and makes people completely passive. Great for a soporific - not so much, for "having a life" and being fully engaged in it.
sKePTiKal:
So, I find that clearing out all the "stuff" I've whined about for years is aggravating anger (at being left to deal with it), that overwhelming sense of loss, and some sense of new freedom/wholeness. It gives me great joy to find the stacks of crap he hid from me (mostly junk mail) and recycle it - FINALLY. There is a brand new "sense of order" settling into the spaces here.
I had started asking myself what I "wanted" to do, after he died - long before it looked like it was going to be a reality. I still hoped he hadn't waited too long. And I had a super-strong pull in a direction that is still a viable option. But now I'm "stuck" -- still "taking care of him & his stuff" -- and not able to do something as simple as schedule myself a massage; things just for me. Y'all can suggest as many practical options as you want, but until I feel just as important to take care of - as it is working through hubs' pile o' crap... I simply won't do anything. Found myself procrastinating about my eye checkup; then a screw came loose on my glasses... and the lens popped out. I was able to fix them in a few minutes... but TALK ABOUT A SIGN.
I just started getting outside to tackle the immense amount of yardwork, that I couldn't do while "on duty" with hubs. Feels good to be moving again, but that massage sounds better & better. All I have to do - is PICK UP THE PHONE. It's not that I have so much on my mind - au contraire. I've known for a long, long time what I would different around here. Just haven't been able to do so - because hubs got in the way, one way or another and stopped me from dealing with it. His hang-up was, love him - love his "stuff". He claimed at least the baggage he brought to this relationship was just "stuff"... while mine was emotional baggage. So, he died with the most toys. Great - I wish he HAD been able to take them with him. It's him I miss -- and his "stuff" just ain't a good substitute. And I feel compelled to deal with HIS stuff - before I deal with mine.
Ain't that dumb? I do fight against it, some. I know it's just a neural pattern; a groove in a vinyl record album.
But I can see myself becoming my mother - who for 50 years has been trying to let go of all her "stuff" and is continually sorting & reorganizing it. Unless I just get mad and find someone to come get it all. They're gonna need a big truck.
No way am I going to let a habit take over and make me as crazy as my mother.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on December 13, 2015, 10:12:59 AM ---So, I find that clearing out all the "stuff" I've whined about for years is aggravating anger (at being left to deal with it), that overwhelming sense of loss, and some sense of new freedom/wholeness. It gives me great joy to find the stacks of crap he hid from me (mostly junk mail) and recycle it - FINALLY. There is a brand new "sense of order" settling into the spaces here.
I had started asking myself what I "wanted" to do, after he died - long before it looked like it was going to be a reality. I still hoped he hadn't waited too long. And I had a super-strong pull in a direction that is still a viable option. But now I'm "stuck" -- still "taking care of him & his stuff" -- and not able to do something as simple as schedule myself a massage; things just for me. Y'all can suggest as many practical options as you want, but until I feel just as important to take care of - as it is working through hubs' pile o' crap... I simply won't do anything. Found myself procrastinating about my eye checkup; then a screw came loose on my glasses... and the lens popped out. I was able to fix them in a few minutes... but TALK ABOUT A SIGN.
I just started getting outside to tackle the immense amount of yardwork, that I couldn't do while "on duty" with hubs. Feels good to be moving again, but that massage sounds better & better. All I have to do - is PICK UP THE PHONE. It's not that I have so much on my mind - au contraire. I've known for a long, long time what I would different around here. Just haven't been able to do so - because hubs got in the way, one way or another and stopped me from dealing with it. His hang-up was, love him - love his "stuff". He claimed at least the baggage he brought to this relationship was just "stuff"... while mine was emotional baggage. So, he died with the most toys. Great - I wish he HAD been able to take them with him. It's him I miss -- and his "stuff" just ain't a good substitute. And I feel compelled to deal with HIS stuff - before I deal with mine.
Ain't that dumb? I do fight against it, some. I know it's just a neural pattern; a groove in a vinyl record album.
But I can see myself becoming my mother - who for 50 years has been trying to let go of all her "stuff" and is continually sorting & reorganizing it. Unless I just get mad and find someone to come get it all. They're gonna need a big truck.
No way am I going to let a habit take over and make me as crazy as my mother.
--- End quote ---
Phoenix, I often find that when I keep putting off the self care stuff, like booking up a massage, it's because doing that will make me relax and then I'll let go. And if I've got a shed load of stuff to get through I just can't let go and go all floppy in the middle of it because then it's too much and I can't cope. I am with you in spirit - I love clearing stuff out - and I do think that a practical, physical clear out is every bit as beneficial and useful as a swim or a massage or whatever else it might be that is needed. So I say go with the flow, get on with the practical stuff and when the time is right for that massage you can go and do it and if that means you spend the next three days curled up on the sofa watching films or needing to get out and hike up mountains then there will be no reason for you not to. Sending love and strength to you, you're amazing xx
lighter:
sKeP:
If you get angry, and call a truck to cart stuff way........
it might be a pretty great option, IMO.
Once it's done, I think you'd have few regrets.
All that clear sunny space will be a balm to soul and creativity.
::Hoping you make an eye appointment... hoping you get that massage soon::
Lighter
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