Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

PR's new saga...

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lighter:
Well Skeptical, your dh is lucky to have you as his road warrior.

Sure there's denial, childish behavior, fear and touchiness.... he's under the gun, and he knows you're safe and will love and support him no matter what.  Those feelings come out sideways, even from people who would normally never act that way.... this kind of stress is something we aren't wired to handle day in and day out.

I love the idea of a caregiver hired in to help out, and provide a buffer for you and hubby.

Do it if you can and if it still seems like a good idea.  I think it will help, IME.

It's good to hear from you.

I'll pray dh improves, and has the best possible outcome.

((((PR and family))))

Meh:
Reading the post, sorry I hadn't read it earlier. ............>>>>>   " if - he could increase lung function from 25% to 50%. He was high risk for respiratory failure"   >>>> So what does he need to do in order to get to that point where is lung function his improved? Oh I just read the part about smoking. Well anti-depressants are prescribed for smoking cessation plus the patches. Wait can he use those E-cigs/Vape things? He still would get the nicotine but it would cut out all the smoke etc.   How stressful.

So, its malignant for sure then?

Yah, some guys don't realize how much of a burden they add to other people's lives by being uncooperative and non-participants in their own health. I don't see any boundary violation on your part. He is LUCKY to have somebody who cares enough to "nag" him on one hand.

Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet with him, it all sounds very newly discovered.

Maybe guys think that they are keeping up some kind of facade by being "stoic". Maybe he is afraid shit-less but doesn't know what to do about it.

He probably needs to see a therapist related to having this diagnosis?

Hopalong:
I'm so very sorry, Amber. Your sweet hub is facing (belatedly) his mortality and it must be so hard to see him struggle.
This is a painful chapter and so hard to go through line by line. I can imagine your sorrow and frustration taking turns surging to the surface over and over, like surf coming.

There is one thing you can be sure of, that you can keep on loving him, finding gentle moments and some smiles you can share now, each day in the day.

It's awfully hard when the medical side takes over, to remember that the loving is what lasts forever -- and it matters more than any short-term strategy or solution. You will find some that are good and other times you'll just have to release control, release to the process...knowing that the end of a story isn't the story, it's only part of it, how it ends.

You're not ending. And he's not either, yet. Live these days and love them.

Your love is bigger than your fear, and you ARE going to be okay. So is he, ultimately. So are we all.

Lots of love to you, and comfort,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Well, I've smacked right up into the brick wall of my limits. Our health insurance company has a program that counsels participants in the most "cost-effective" ways of managing their care - and help to be another set of eyes on what the docs are doing. Except I'm sure not seeing it that way at all.

I was told straight up they would not talk to me, about what we know about what's happened so far, diagnosis and treatment. HIPPA, you know. I told her they could stick that regulation where the sun doesn't shine since they're not the people trying to get him to eat another 100 calories of SOMETHING ANYTHING... nor driving the necessary 100 miles each way to doctors appts because no one this side of the NC border is taking new patients. Not to mention doing all of the other necessary tasks around the household. (That much I'm used to doing, but hub's previous neediness about being left alone while I'm outside working - has increased a lot.)

I was unaccountably angry about this additional "intrusion" into our lives. It felt as though they were keeping me out of the loop on purpose, because I don't matter. I am afraid of losing him to the medical bureaucracy, of a conveyor belt mechanical "system", that sometimes swallows and doesn't return the patient at all. And since hubs still isn't entirely honest with himself and is fuzzy-headed even about simple facts... about how long this has been coming on, over my insistence that it doesn't hurt at all to get checked out - and if there IS anything, to find it when it's easier to deal with...

well, I'm a genetically programmed momma tiger. For me to stand down, stand aside and let all these strangers take over - and for me to trust them - well, I thought I was doing pretty good and now I'm not so sure. Yes, he is facing mortality. I've already told him it's his choice to make - no other human has the right to make it for another - EVEN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I WANT. I observe him simply giving up and not trying to save himself, in the simple ways he could be doing that... and letting go isn't exactly my forte. I can't eat FOR him, I can't walk for him and get some strength back... all of that kind of thing has to come from him.

So, yes, Hops. I do what I can to keep each moment rich and gentle and kind. I've been humoring all his food whims... which come out of left field sometimes. I rub his back where it still hurts from the biopsy. I've bought breathing exercise tools for him and just put them within reach and left him to choose the time and IF he's going to use them. This requires swallowing my own emotional reactions; stuffing them down out of the way - because he is still embarrassed by them. He understands better than most, why I have those reactions - but simply considers being emotional - "making a scene". I'm more like that Italian stereotypical couple on the ice cream commercial - all yelling & hand gestures that simply evaporate in seconds to lovey-dovey-ness... and can start right back up again. LOL. No, I'm not politically correct with all of that either.

Hugs to everyone and thanks for the ideas. I'll come back & re-read them. The cup is flowing over this morning, releasing tension, and I'm not real "think-y" yet. Don't really have the energy to push myself to it either, right now. I feel like I'm getting up and doing something every 5 minutes... or answering someone, or asking hubs to repeat what he said because I didn't hear him... or answering the telephone or trying to hide somewhere online to just be able to read for 10 - 15 minutes in a row... and NOT THINK at all... just let be.

Hopalong:
The system itself PLUS an unmotivated "patient" adds up to asking a tiger to become a trained pony.

So so so hard. I hear you.

love,
Hops

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