Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Manipulation
Twoapenny:
I'm in one of those quandries where I seem to be seeing this everywhere at the moment and am unsure as to whether it's 'real' or I'm just very sensitive at the moment (there is/has been a lot going on and I'm pretty sure I'm heading toward the menopause, lots of hot flushes, sleep problems and moodiness so I'm not feeling terribly reliable).
Little things, like a couple of people I'm reasonably close to always seem to have the same thing I have in my life, only worse? If my son's not well, their child is even more ill, if I'm strapped for cash, they're even more skint, if I'm not sleeping, they're sleeping even less. Makes me feel tired talking to them, I feel like my own life is echoed back at me sometimes?
One friend in particular who blows very hot and cold; desperate to meet up one week, then doesn't return my calls for a month. Makes me feel uneasy. Is slightly reminiscent of my mum ignoring me for days because I displeased her in some way. Never sure how much is unfair triggering or a genuine reminder, if you see what I mean.
Victim role - friend in a genuinely difficult situation and I do feel for her but she ignores every offer of help I make well in advance and then contacts at last minute to ask for assistance. I'm quite strong about my boundaries these days and won't change my plans unless it's a genuine emergency so have refused the last minute requests but feel odd about the situation - why not say yes three days before instead of waiting until there is a panic?
What else - people who live nearby who always tell me (when I bump into them in the shop) how much they'd love to see us and how much they've missed us but who don't phone, return my calls or visit. Again, boundaries - for me it has to be a two way street these days so there are a lot of people I just don't see anymore because they don't make any effort and I won't make the effort for both of us but if I bump into them elsewhere they talk in a way that makes it sound as if I've dropped them.
Estranged sis - got back in touch two years ago, has been lovely to be in contact again, have kept my boundaries in place and so on but again it seems to be fizzling out due to lack of effort on her part and me not being willing to do all the running about. Another friend - one who's notorious for changing plans at the last minute - trying to get me to commit to Christmas plans - boundaries! Can't plan for Christmas due to son's health problems, very open with people about this and keep things very casual yet being pestered to agree to things, not being heard. And so on.
Keeping your boundaries in place is hard work! I should add that I've got some lovely, lovely friends who are wonderful and I treasure them. Currently trying very hard to look after my health, good food, exercise, trying to meditate regularly, seeing osteopath about my back and going for acupuncture to help me relax. Just feeling like a lot of deadwood at times. Just sometimes really crave someone else doing something for me, no strings, no obligations, just that little bit of someone to fall back on every now and again.
Anyway - just splurging! Not a big crisis, more of a ponder :)
lighter:
Tupp:
I'm not happy to hear you're struggling with some physical symptoms, but glad you're focusing on self care, and being mindful about boundaries.
Sorry everyone seems to be chiming in with their experiences, as they relate to them, and making you feel one upped. Maybe they have less compassion for your situation, as they've been struggling with similar?
Maybe they're trying to make you feel less alone by sharing some of what they're going through?
Maybe they're just all about themselves, and can't give you anything they feel they're entitled to?
It's probably some odd combination, but I'm sending you strength to keep those boundaries in place.
Hope that working on yourself brings you peace.
Validation that your feelings and intuitions are powerful messengers. Listen to them, even though you're mindful of your history and question them always.... know they're there for a reason, and you can trust them.
((((Tupp)))))
When your struggling friend has a light moment, maybe you could remind her that you want to help.... you;re again asking for time to plan ahead. You have a son who's life needs to be kept on track. It's appropriate to factor your needs into the equation too. It's adult, and responsible, frankly.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Thanks, Lighter :)
I think the physical symptoms are just to do with getting older and I'm trying to get in and prevent things from getting worse - ie, my back's not horrendous but I decided to start getting a regular appointment in the hope of avoiding it becoming terrible in the future. I do wonder if my years of hard partying a loooong time ago are catching up with me now :)
I'm sure you are right, combinations of different things, we've all got different things going on at different times. I find I have very little patience for other people these days and, if I'm honest, listening to the problems of anyone who isn't up there on my 'this is a great friend' list just doesn't happen anymore so I'm finding I'm snappy and intolerant when I used to be more open and caring (although probably too much in some cases!).
Good suggestion re the friend and planning ahead, I will mention it to her next time I speak to her.
How are things with you? Is the house remodelling still in full swing? xx
lighter:
Tupp:
The house is.... sort of slowing down. I'm at the point where I have to organize, and finish up some things. Not my strong point, mind you; )
I've been working on chunking, and with a forest of leaves falling, a bear crushed my new garbage can, and oldest dd struggling a bit ......it's hard not to get overwhelmed, but I'm trying.
I have friends coming over Wednesday evening for dinner, and we enjoy knocking things out I can't do alone. Another friend coming over the weekend from out of town, and that will be a blessing. I'm trying to breath, and keep moving. The new fridge in the garage makes it easier to organize food storage and prep. Really enjoying that. Got my heavy bag hung... yay.
Always seeking the joy in my days, and finding gratitude for what I have (without guilt.)
Not easy, and the journey continues.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Mmm, I've just emptied and defrosted our freezer ready for filling it up over the winter, it does give you a feeling of comfort, doesn't it? I can't imagine living somewhere with bears! Do you see many or is it more just seeing what they got up to when you go out in the morning.
Glad you have friends coming. I'm not good with the finishing off stuff, either, I find my enthusiasm starts to go and I start itching for something new again, hence having dozens of unfinished jobs around the house. I am trying very hard now to finish something before I start something else but I find it difficult :) I hope things start to resolve for your DD soon. Hard to see the kids struggle, life feels good when they are smiling, doesn't it.
Love to you. Energy sent from across the pond :) xx
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