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Learning, Growing, Changing, Moving on, Moving Forward
Twoapenny:
Hi Hops,
Not hijacky at all and I'm excited about you losing your job! I suspect not having to put up with that horrible man will be an amazing thing for you :)
And yes, I suspect your T is right about a high tolerance for abuse, I suspect as well it's tied in with a high tolerance for putting up with things and a low expectation of excitement, consideration, passion and any other nice thing!
Something has definitely shifted for me; I cancelled a night out tonight that I didn't want to go on, I've told someone I had said could come round on Christmas Day that he can't now and I've finally realised that when I feel anxious about being with people and I'm fretting about what to wear and what it will be like when I get there it's actually because I don't want to go. I keep thinking I need to work on my confidence but what I actually need to do is stop spending time with people who are critical and only focus on things they can pick holes in. I think with those troubled childhoods we've all had that we just don't have an expectation of life being a happy, exciting adventure. I've had so many years of just battling to get through another set of problems and digging up all sorts of things from the past that just having a good time and enjoying life isn't what I'm used to - and I suppose that's true for all of us.
Hopefully this is the start of all of us caring more about our own lives :) xx
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote ---and I really do want to start connecting with other people now. I suppose the difference is I now want to spend time with people who have done a fair bit of soul searching themselves;
--- End quote ---
That's the key of course. One more, facet on that gem, is to understand that almost everyone has at one point or another, had to do some soul searching. Whether it was genuine or yielded results varies a lot! ;) I have just started to allow myself to not like other people - even if it's just based on an intuition - and what I discovered was that it was easier then, to connect to the people who are genuine, for me. Maybe it's a trust thing? If we appear to trust what our gut knows isn't completely true... we adopt a cynical outer shell with everyone?? Or something like that. I dunno; that's a hot off the presses idea, right now.
lighter:
Tupp:
What a relief to trust yourself, huh? To believe you have answers, and just accept you're the authority in your life you've been waiting for.
You have the answers...... you always have.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on December 20, 2015, 08:21:30 AM ---
--- Quote ---and I really do want to start connecting with other people now. I suppose the difference is I now want to spend time with people who have done a fair bit of soul searching themselves;
--- End quote ---
That's the key of course. One more, facet on that gem, is to understand that almost everyone has at one point or another, had to do some soul searching. Whether it was genuine or yielded results varies a lot! ;) I have just started to allow myself to not like other people - even if it's just based on an intuition - and what I discovered was that it was easier then, to connect to the people who are genuine, for me. Maybe it's a trust thing? If we appear to trust what our gut knows isn't completely true... we adopt a cynical outer shell with everyone?? Or something like that. I dunno; that's a hot off the presses idea, right now.
--- End quote ---
Skep, I wrote a really long reply to this the other night and just as I was about to post it we had a power cut and everything was lost! So trying to recap now (it's funny how you can never quite remember what you wrote the first time!) but essentially, yes, I am starting to see that I have generally categorised people as either good or bad. I'm starting to realise that's nonsense; there are people, I have realised, that I have in my life because I'm grateful to them for doing me favours, either now or at some point in the past, but if I'm honest I don't enjoy spending time with them and that's the bit I've struggled with a lot. I've always felt if someone is being 'nice' to me then I 'have' to like them and I'm wondering if that's what makes me so critical of some people sometimes; it's actually that I just don't enjoy spending time with them but because I don't feel I can just not like them - as you describe - I have to find fault and have reasons not to spend time with them. When actually it would be easier for me to at least be honest with myself and accept that I just don't like them and that's alright. The other side of that, of course, is that I need to accept when other people just don't like me for no particular reason and I find that hard too! But I think once you notice these things you can start to apply them and practise and try different ways of doing things.
Something else I've realised is that I'm very bored in my life and, as a result of that, I'm often spending time with other people who also have very boring lives, because they're the only ones around (everyone else is off having fun). So my main aim for this year is to change that. I'm very restricted by my son's disability; I can only do as much as he can manage, which isn't a lot some of the time. But we have just, after many years of saving, bought a very old campervan that I am going to do up. I'm hoping that having a home from home will make it easier for him to manage outside of the house, and easier for me because I won't have to load and unload the car every day; I can just set up the van and leave things in it (ie, food, educational stuff for him, toys to keep him amused and so on). I'm hoping we can travel more now that we have that, and I'm hoping I can write about our experiences, for my own sake initially but maybe with a view to publishing in the future. So hopefully if we're able to do that I will start meeting more people I can connect with and who are looking for life rather than watching it pass by (which is how I feel I've been for such a long time now). Onwards and upwards :) xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on December 22, 2015, 11:56:34 PM ---Tupp:
What a relief to trust yourself, huh? To believe you have answers, and just accept you're the authority in your life you've been waiting for.
You have the answers...... you always have.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Lighter, I think you're absolutely right, we do all have the answers, but I think the societies we live in have expectations of us that sometimes clash with what we feel is right? And then add toxic families/bosses/neighbours and all the other things that come along and it's a bit like fire fighting rather than soul searching, I think. So it's taking me a long time to get to a point where I can realise that yes, I can do this, yes, I do know what feels right, it's tough, isn't it? Particularly if what feels right isn't what everyone else thinks you should do :)
I've been meditating a lot recently and it's something I enjoy, but also find very hard to do, simply because I find switching off my constant 'am I about to be attacked' mode - which you need to to be mindful of anything - very difficult. I've been going to a group once a week and that's a lot easier. Someone leads the group so I feel that I have someone watching over me whilst I switch off; that feels safe. Not being on my guard and constantly thinking about every possible thing that might happen makes me feel very frightened so I think I really need to focus on working on that now. Those answers are in there but they're still buried by 'stuff' and I need to shift it. I also think I need to start being more confident in my son's abilities to look after himself, work on himself and build his own experiences. Also difficult, because my primary fear as he's been growing up is that he'd be abused the same way I was and I always wanted to protect him from that. But he's just past the age now that I was when things got really bad and that's made me realise that I've done it; his primary formative years are gone and they were, for the most part, safe, happy, settled and very focused on him. So I need to pat myself on the back with that one and start recognising that I've put in the ground work and now it's time to start stepping back and watching him fly. Perhaps this year is the year that we'll both start to fly? :) xx
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