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sKePTiKal:
Hey Tupp... I think I know what you're talking about.
Attachment issues, needing connection - feeling "safe" around someone; safe enough to express emotions without being the emotion... and the crazy expectations of the holidays is a really powerful mix. My new "relationship status" is giving me a whole look from another vantage point on all that again.
I've never really lived alone. I tried once - and well, it was just much better to accept Michael's invitations than to face and deal with myself at that time. I was a hot mess with a dose of menopause on top. And while it wasn't a perfect relationship, it was by far the best one I've had to date. I truly felt loved most of the time; I felt confident loving back... and now, I wonder if I'll ever be in that kind of relationship again. It was something really new to me, to experience that. True, I needed time away from him and we weren't ever able to sort that out in a way that worked. So I just caved and we went almost everywhere together -- and he complained when I'd send him the mile to the grocery store by himself; he missed me and it wasn't as much fun as me going with him. When he was sick, I felt I couldn't be gone for any length of time - each moment was important; even if I was just watching him sleep. So many times, it seemed that's all he wanted of me, too.
People try to apply their blueprints of needs/wants to what you and I "should" want & need - thinking, I dunno - that because it's what they've always done or enjoyed, that it's normal and would "be good for us". Maybe it would be; sometimes. I've mostly just learned how to gracefully, but firmly decline invitations. But I've also realized that it's not really good for me to isolate myself so much -- even though right now, my emotions are still a tad volatile, unexpectedly. (Our club posted pictures of Mike on FB and that set me off crying and on a pain jag for 2 days; and I was angry too... but ultimately, it felt good to let all that out; it was a good thing they did.)
I am getting out and taking care of business. I'm not exactly pursuing anything "fun" at the moment - and maybe I should. I've remembered that it's OK to ask other people about themselves, their lives and feelings... that this is how people DO have relationships, duh... but it's hard for me to go where we'd both go and I can't tell another single person that he's died right now. I had to write to our old neighbors, that we were good friends with. And a school office mate that lost his wife in March.
I can't tell when I'm asking too much of myself, sometimes. Sometimes a person can just plow through that, and it's no big deal; but if the self-care has slacked off -- and hey, being a vegetable in front of a good movie can be self-care, there's no absolute definition -- even things you'd normally enjoy can be wearing. We have to learn to be as understanding of ourselves, give ourselves as much slack -- as though we're the people (real or fictional) who truly do love us. And just be there to watch ourselves sleep and keep ourselves safe.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on December 17, 2015, 08:03:17 AM ---Hey Tupp... I think I know what you're talking about.
Attachment issues, needing connection - feeling "safe" around someone; safe enough to express emotions without being the emotion... and the crazy expectations of the holidays is a really powerful mix. My new "relationship status" is giving me a whole look from another vantage point on all that again.
I've never really lived alone. I tried once - and well, it was just much better to accept Michael's invitations than to face and deal with myself at that time. I was a hot mess with a dose of menopause on top. And while it wasn't a perfect relationship, it was by far the best one I've had to date. I truly felt loved most of the time; I felt confident loving back... and now, I wonder if I'll ever be in that kind of relationship again. It was something really new to me, to experience that. True, I needed time away from him and we weren't ever able to sort that out in a way that worked. So I just caved and we went almost everywhere together -- and he complained when I'd send him the mile to the grocery store by himself; he missed me and it wasn't as much fun as me going with him. When he was sick, I felt I couldn't be gone for any length of time - each moment was important; even if I was just watching him sleep. So many times, it seemed that's all he wanted of me, too.
People try to apply their blueprints of needs/wants to what you and I "should" want & need - thinking, I dunno - that because it's what they've always done or enjoyed, that it's normal and would "be good for us". Maybe it would be; sometimes. I've mostly just learned how to gracefully, but firmly decline invitations. But I've also realized that it's not really good for me to isolate myself so much -- even though right now, my emotions are still a tad volatile, unexpectedly. (Our club posted pictures of Mike on FB and that set me off crying and on a pain jag for 2 days; and I was angry too... but ultimately, it felt good to let all that out; it was a good thing they did.)
I am getting out and taking care of business. I'm not exactly pursuing anything "fun" at the moment - and maybe I should. I've remembered that it's OK to ask other people about themselves, their lives and feelings... that this is how people DO have relationships, duh... but it's hard for me to go where we'd both go and I can't tell another single person that he's died right now. I had to write to our old neighbors, that we were good friends with. And a school office mate that lost his wife in March.
I can't tell when I'm asking too much of myself, sometimes. Sometimes a person can just plow through that, and it's no big deal; but if the self-care has slacked off -- and hey, being a vegetable in front of a good movie can be self-care, there's no absolute definition -- even things you'd normally enjoy can be wearing. We have to learn to be as understanding of ourselves, give ourselves as much slack -- as though we're the people (real or fictional) who truly do love us. And just be there to watch ourselves sleep and keep ourselves safe.
--- End quote ---
True and wise words, PR, and at a time of such difficulty for you, and today has been spent pottering around doing a bit of Christmas baking interspersed with catching up on a box set that's been sitting there for months without me getting a chance to get into it. I think part of my current problem is that I live in the area I grew up and the person I was twenty odd years ago isn't the person I am now so I just don't feel great with those old 'friends' any more. My attempts to make new ones haven't gone too well; I seem to live in an area with a lot of racists and people who just generally have views very different to mine so day to day chit chat is fine but I really crave those long, lengthy conversations that go deep, and then funny, through to sad, bit too much wine, back to funny again, with someone that I really trust and can be me with. I think that's a big thing, I often feel I can only be me when I'm on my own. I'm still overly concerned with how I come across to others and I've tried so hard to get over that as the years have gone by but it's still there and it catches me out from time to time. Really hoping we can move next year and that will help a lot, I feel, I still feel like I'm being watched constantly here.
Self care is different depending on what you need at the time, isn't it? I think sometimes an afternoon curled up with a film, a box of chocs and the cat is exactly what the doctor ordered. Love to you xx
sKePTiKal:
Funny how it seems we are on parallel paths with different people, at different times - and yet that deep need for connecting persists. I was just thinking, last night and this morning, that:
I've always known myself as one half of a relationship with a guy... within that context; and I wonder how much his personality and the actual relationship impacted who I was - the old chameleon effect was strong for a long, long time with me...
and to find a time when I was not in a relationship; and yet was still my "self" - old enough to be one, anyway - I'd have to go back to when I was 16. Post-Twiggy; not a mom yet; old enough to be responsible for myself... but nothing was engraved in neural path stone about how and who I was.
Now, I might be able find traces of that self - but time and experience do mold us, like wind & water on even granite. So it wouldn't authentic to try to be that "me" from 16 again. Probably wouldn't be real attractive either! LOL Going on 60, and trying to just be a whole person by myself - without having a space in me for a relationship; someone else as part of my life - for the first time... is kinda scary and refreshing and an adventure. I keep trying to use more positive connotation words for the same feeling (still)... excitement, anticipation... over anxiety and dread... LOL.
So it's like a good kind of identity crisis. Just like the one teenagers have. Hopefully without all the drama!! And hormones!! ;)
The one thing I'm trying to do, during this phase of "adjustment" is to listen for and be open and to observe what characteristics and adjectives come up about who I am now. It's a discovery; not trying to fit into anyone's pattern - no imposition of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" - and that requires solitude. Other people have their own ideas about who I am, what I should consider and do. I have to listen for the beat of that "other drummer" that only I can hear. My rhythm.
It's the only thing that keeps the restlessness, the OCDness, etc to a tolerable level. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams with energy, but it has no direction or purpose and it disperses itself and burns out... unless I throttle it down to a manageable level. Infinite choices gets me all amped up like that - an artist with an unlimited palette - but that way lies chaos and being at the mercy of life just "happening". This crazy stew of "me" needs more intention, discipline on some things... and more spontaneaity and carefree-ness on some others to find a balance that works now.
Any of that going on with you too?
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on December 18, 2015, 06:56:46 AM ---Funny how it seems we are on parallel paths with different people, at different times - and yet that deep need for connecting persists. I was just thinking, last night and this morning, that:
I've always known myself as one half of a relationship with a guy... within that context; and I wonder how much his personality and the actual relationship impacted who I was - the old chameleon effect was strong for a long, long time with me...
and to find a time when I was not in a relationship; and yet was still my "self" - old enough to be one, anyway - I'd have to go back to when I was 16. Post-Twiggy; not a mom yet; old enough to be responsible for myself... but nothing was engraved in neural path stone about how and who I was.
Now, I might be able find traces of that self - but time and experience do mold us, like wind & water on even granite. So it wouldn't authentic to try to be that "me" from 16 again. Probably wouldn't be real attractive either! LOL Going on 60, and trying to just be a whole person by myself - without having a space in me for a relationship; someone else as part of my life - for the first time... is kinda scary and refreshing and an adventure. I keep trying to use more positive connotation words for the same feeling (still)... excitement, anticipation... over anxiety and dread... LOL.
So it's like a good kind of identity crisis. Just like the one teenagers have. Hopefully without all the drama!! And hormones!! ;)
The one thing I'm trying to do, during this phase of "adjustment" is to listen for and be open and to observe what characteristics and adjectives come up about who I am now. It's a discovery; not trying to fit into anyone's pattern - no imposition of "shoulda, woulda, coulda" - and that requires solitude. Other people have their own ideas about who I am, what I should consider and do. I have to listen for the beat of that "other drummer" that only I can hear. My rhythm.
It's the only thing that keeps the restlessness, the OCDness, etc to a tolerable level. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams with energy, but it has no direction or purpose and it disperses itself and burns out... unless I throttle it down to a manageable level. Infinite choices gets me all amped up like that - an artist with an unlimited palette - but that way lies chaos and being at the mercy of life just "happening". This crazy stew of "me" needs more intention, discipline on some things... and more spontaneaity and carefree-ness on some others to find a balance that works now.
Any of that going on with you too?
--- End quote ---
Lots of similarities, Skep, and I still struggle a lot with what I want to do (or who I feel I really am) and what I 'ought' to do, or what I do to avoid other people criticising or judging and those are the bits that I really want to get on top of. It's taken me years to figure out who I am as I was just a carbon copy of what my mum wanted, at least until my thirties. I remember reading a book about narcissistic parents and there was a section about reclaiming yourself. One of the exercises was to go through and list your favourite things, favourite food, favourite place to go, favourite colours and so on, and I couldn't answer a single question. I could have answered every single one about my mum but not a single thing about me. I didn't even know what kind of food I really liked to eat because I'd just been so disconnected from myself. So the last few years have been a real journey of self discovery and you do need to spend a lot of time alone so that, as you say, other people aren't influencing you and you can really dig deep and find out who you are, but it has been, and still is, incredibly lonely at times and I really do want to start connecting with other people now. I suppose the difference is I now want to spend time with people who have done a fair bit of soul searching themselves; I think you can sense it in people pretty quickly, how much they think, how much they ponder, whether they do things consciously or are just doing things out of habit. I'm finding that hard, and I think when you've been in a relationship for your whole adult life, as you describe, it's a real new experience! I love your way of describing it as an adventure :)
On a slightly more positive note I had a bit of a brain storm this morning. I've effectively binned the rest of Christmas. I've given gifts to people I love, the people I was making food gifts for are people that buy something for my son but never see him or spend time with him. I always feel guilty if I don't do something in return but I realised this morning that's ridiculous; I'd rather they didn't get him anything if they can't be bothered with him for the rest of the year so either they'll give him something despite the fact they don't get anything in return or they'll stop doing it altogether (which would be better!). So I'm doing no more now and the relief I felt was ridiculous! Good to make decisions :) xx
Hopalong:
Hope this isn't hijacky, Tupp--but your recent posts and dialogue with PR are moving to me.
It just made me think of something my T said recently. I was explaining that one reason for low mood was that I was depressed and having trouble finding motivation to do things that would take care of my life and moving it forward. (Financial planning, my own writing, etc.). Escaping nonstop into TV, etc.
[This was all pre-losing-job. Which has enlivened me like crazy. I feel excited again.]
Anyway, what my T said was that he believes I'm unaware that I have an unusually high tolerance for abuse. It was what I learned beneath the bullying from my brother and schoolmates without rescue, plus the hollowness of an Nmother who didn't see me and couldn't respond with affection. And then it was all repeated with my N/Sbrother and Nboss. So T says, I think you long ago accepted the idea that it was acceptable for you to be treated unacceptably.
That's been percolating in the back of my mind for a week and in some funny way, it restored my sense of being on my own side and caring about my own life. (As has the most recent exigency, but that's on another thread.)
love
Hops
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