Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Learning, Growing, Changing, Moving on, Moving Forward
Hopalong:
Mega dittoes, Tupp.
PR, you owe nobody nuttin' and really CAN just listen to your own needs now.
That includes not even having to understand why people sometimes have weird
expectations that you feel coming your way.
You have a windshield. You are too busy healing to see little bugs go splat.
It's hard and it's a big open space and deciding things is scary. And you don't
need to rush it. But you will be okay. You are okay now, even. Up an/or down.
Storms are shattering but then one day, you realize the surf is calming
and you have weathered it. Things can even become simpler. Promise.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
Well 2015 is coming to a close here in the UK, I don't know if you're already in 2016 across the pond? Always makes me feel amazed that talking to people on the other side of the world is like time travel :)
I don't make resolutions in the traditional sense but I do find this time of year is one that I struggle with and one in which I hope things will change and be different in the coming year. So there are some things I want to work on - feel free to add things to the list if you wish!
I think everything I want to do really comes under the umberella of putting me first! Even writing it still feels a little awkward; where is that line between self care and selfishness? But I suppose, as with most things, it's a fluid line that we need to draw and re-draw as life and our situation changes over time. So I very much want to focus on:
Taking better care of my health. My two dietary demons are caffeine and sugar so I'd like to reduce my consumption of both of those. I'd also like to take more regular exercise and to continue with meditating, which I am finding difficult to do but at the same time I do feel it's helping so I'd like to improve my command of that practice!
Focusing much, much more on what I think and not what other people think. It's a real reflex reaction for me, as natural as breathing, so I do it all the time without being aware that I'm doing it. As an example - I was up early this morning and the job I really wanted to get on with (at about 5.30am) was cleaning my kitchen windows and re-hanging the net curtains. It's my day, my home; it's a quiet job that won't disturb my sleeping neighbours, I don't need to go outside to do it and there really shouldn't be any thought in my mind other than getting on with it. But the negatives that snuck through without me even noticing them at first were:
1) I'm not dressed, I've not done my hair, I'm in my pyjamas so if I stretch up someone walking past might see my fat belly or be offended by the fact I'm not wearing a bra.
2 ) 'People' will think I shouldn't be doing that job that early in the morning or on a day that is supposed to be a holiday. They will think badly of me because of that.
3) 'People' will wonder why I'm bothering with my window when the garden needs digging over, the gutter needs cleaning out, I've not cleaned the house and so on.
So all of that was floating through my head at the same time as I was thinking "I could get on and sort that window out before son gets up". This is nonsensical. None of those thoughts are mine; this is my mother who still seems to live in my head despite the fact I haven't spoken to her for ten years. These are all things she would say if she was here; they're not things that anyone with half a brain would even consider (added to which, who on earth is even going to be walking past my window at 5.30 am?!). But it's in there and even though I'm not consciously thinking it myself I think it has an effect on my soul so I really want to focus on shifting that thinking so that it doesn't run over everything else I'm doing all the time.
I really want to spend some time having fun. I have forgotten how to have fun, and in all honesty I never really learnt how to do it without being drunk or high so I'm a bit clueless in the regard. I'm going to carry on with the meditation group as I enjoy that. I'm going to sign up to learn how to sail when the season starts again in April - I can do this with my son and it would be lovely to be able to get a little boat and go out for a meander every now and again. And I'm going to sign up for a beginner's rock climbing course. I wanted to do that ages ago but my son's health took a dip and it just never happened, so I really want to do that this year. I'm scared of heights and water so those two new pastimes will take me out of my comfort zone and I think will help me with my confidence. Another thing I struggle with is that I don't feel like I'm an interesting person, because I don't really do much other than look after my boy. So I think being able to meet people based on an activity I'm doing will help with that.
Anyway - I think that's enough to be getting on with! Anyone else got anything they want to focus on over the coming year? :) xx
Hopalong:
Well, personally, dear Tupp, I think you should wash your windows NAKED at NOON.
(Too much?) Okay, then with pasties and a purple G-string. Or a witches' hat.
(Still too much?) I think you need a TATTOO. If you were a tattoo what kind of tattoo would you be?
I so so so hear you describing that villagey gossipy judgey judgey culture and how stifling it is for you.
It will be a joy to hear your own steps as you find your way out of there. (And hear those old internal monologues
as toxic tapes from an old internalized thing you've painfully excavated and, step by step, are recording OVER...)
Happy New Year to you, dear.
(I never make resolutions as they set me up for similar internal thrashings...but I do feel hopeful for 2016!).
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on December 31, 2015, 11:08:47 PM ---Well, personally, dear Tupp, I think you should wash your windows NAKED at NOON.
(Too much?) Okay, then with pasties and a purple G-string. Or a witches' hat.
(Still too much?) I think you need a TATTOO. If you were a tattoo what kind of tattoo would you be?
I so so so hear you describing that villagey gossipy judgey judgey culture and how stifling it is for you.
It will be a joy to hear your own steps as you find your way out of there. (And hear those old internal monologues
as toxic tapes from an old internalized thing you've painfully excavated and, step by step, are recording OVER...)
Happy New Year to you, dear.
(I never make resolutions as they set me up for similar internal thrashings...but I do feel hopeful for 2016!).
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Ha ha, Hops, naked at noon made me laugh! Sounds like an album title or a really good book :) A step too far for me at the moment but I love the sentiment! And funny that you mention tattoos because I love them, have never got too many because of, yes, of course, disapproval from others, but I am very keen to start getting some designs drawn up and getting some ink. I am looking forward to battling my way out of this trap I am in. I think over the years I've just constructed this cage of if I do x, y and z then a, b and c won't happen. It's time to start living, I feel.
I think 2016 is going to be amazing for you! I think just being away from that toxic boss now will put a spring in your step and a smile on your face. Wow. Here's to good things in 2016, here's hoping :) xx
Twoapenny:
Hops, you'll be glad to know I sorted out my kitchen windows; I wasn't naked but I was scruffy haired and braless (I did have a T shirt on, though!).
I realised, as I was sorting out the window, that something that I feel stops me from moving forward is that I never finish jobs. I work on dozens of different things all the time, ten minutes here, ten minutes there, and nothing every gets finished. I also don't take proper breaks, the way that you would at work (or at least you did in the old days!) when you had a morning break, an hour for lunch and then a break in the afternoon as well. I think the reason I don't finish things is because if it isn't finished I can't be criticised for doing it badly, if I don't stop ever than I can't be called lazy or have anyone find fault in anything I do because if I can say "I haven't sat down all day" then no-one can accuse me of not working hard enough. At least that's what popped into my head when I was hanging the curtains up. Do you know the craziest thing - I live on my own! Who the bejesus is going to criticise what I'm doing at home when there's no-one here?! How ridiculous. So - I have made a list of things that need doing so that we can move - it's mostly jobs on the house that I need to finish off so that I get my deposit back when we leave. I'm aiming for one job a day to get crossed of the list rather than starting all of them and not finishing! Have crossed off one today, could have been two but I ran out of the stuff I needed to finish it but there's only a little bit more so I can finish it once I've been to the shop tomorrow.
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