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Hopalong:
Ah well, save your tat money for your move....celebrate with one LATER.
I totally understand not finishing stuff to insulate yourself from criticism of how you did a job.
Sure, some bored biddies who lack perspective gossip all day and pick at people. But the critic you REALLY have to do battle with is the internal voice that is so relentless with you. Started with your mother and then you internalized it. So probably your focus should get off others (which you've already made clear you're working on) and on giving yourself loud NEW inner tapes to listen to.
Self love.
Genuine self compassion.
Self nurturing.
Self respect.
Self delight.
Self appreciation.
NONE of those things are "selfish." They're what we know how to do as kids...delight in the pleasures and possibilities of OUR OWN EXISTENCE.
And we need this all our lives.
And deserve a new kind of voice to listen to. Probably it will take time and very very intentional self-hypnosis about it. But that works!
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 01, 2016, 07:31:22 PM ---Ah well, save your tat money for your move....celebrate with one LATER.
I totally understand not finishing stuff to insulate yourself from criticism of how you did a job.
Sure, some bored biddies who lack perspective gossip all day and pick at people. But the critic you REALLY have to do battle with is the internal voice that is so relentless with you. Started with your mother and then you internalized it. So probably your focus should get off others (which you've already made clear you're working on) and on giving yourself loud NEW inner tapes to listen to.
Self love.
Genuine self compassion.
Self nurturing.
Self respect.
Self delight.
Self appreciation.
NONE of those things are "selfish." They're what we know how to do as kids...delight in the pleasures and possibilities of OUR OWN EXISTENCE.
And we need this all our lives.
And deserve a new kind of voice to listen to. Probably it will take time and very very intentional self-hypnosis about it. But that works!
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Yes, spot on, Hops, and I know I've tried to do this sort of thing before but I've obviously not really got it ground in there properly. I think being busy is sometimes part of the problem; not enough time to notice or think about the internal dialogue, to busy rushing around to ponder (and maybe that's deliberate, to stop the thinking and therefore protect from the feelings that come up with the thinking). I know there is a part of me that is aware of the rages my mother has gone into whenever I've tried to separate myself from her in the past and the terrible things she's done to 'get her own back' at me and I am wondering if some tiny part of me is scared of what might happen if I get her out of my head and finally separate once and for all? It's one of those things that isn't logical - how would she even know, for one thing and realistically she's done pretty much everything she can, there aren't really any more tricks for her to use but I have been wondering if it's one of those sort of subconscious things that you can't quite explain? I don't know but I'm feeling that I need to work on making myself feel safe internally - usually I do it externally by avoiding people and situations but I think perhaps I need to start digging a little bit deeper and creating a safe space for the little me that was always so scared to come out. I am feeling some success already - it's 11 am, I'm still in my PJs, my son's playing on the computer game he got for Christmas and I'm making myself take the day slowly and not be fretting that he isn't constantly reciting poetry and that I haven't completed a whole list of jobs yet today. I don't think we're going to venture out because the weather's so bad so I might get on with painting the downstairs toilet this afternoon and concentrate on just getting the paint on the walls instead of trying to do it better than a pro would.
How are you after your big trip away? Hope you got home okay and that things are settling into place? xx
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
I'm supposed to be EFT tapping every day, several times a day, and repeating unconditional self acceptance mantras as I go. I can do this in the car, and sometimes change up what I say out of boredom.
I'm working on finishing up the number of projects I begin and have trouble finishing.... so many. Sometimes I'll see one, and think.... Why didn't I FINISH that?" It seemed so obvious and took so little time..... wasn't something I would have minded doing. Like blowing the leaves from my property next to my elderly neighbor's house. She did it before I started blowing, so to be fair.... it was just done, and I didn't have to think about it. Next year I'll be all over it where this year it didn't cross my mind. At all. Seems odd, like a blind spot for me.
Some are creative projects I'd LOVE to get into. I love to paint furniture, have the furniture to paint, space, and supplies.... but it FEELS like I should be doing other things, and sometimes I'm paralyzed by it. It's something I'm working on very hard right now. Listening to it. Figuring out what it's about.... this resistance, and getting past it.
I'm wishing you, and everyone, a wonderful 2016. May we all enjoy good health, growth, self awareness and our best possible selves.
((((Tupp and son))))
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on January 02, 2016, 01:09:13 PM ---Hi Tupp:
I'm supposed to be EFT tapping every day, several times a day, and repeating unconditional self acceptance mantras as I go. I can do this in the car, and sometimes change up what I say out of boredom.
I'm working on finishing up the number of projects I begin and have trouble finishing.... so many. Sometimes I'll see one, and think.... Why didn't I FINISH that?" It seemed so obvious and took so little time..... wasn't something I would have minded doing. Like blowing the leaves from my property next to my elderly neighbor's house. She did it before I started blowing, so to be fair.... it was just done, and I didn't have to think about it. Next year I'll be all over it where this year it didn't cross my mind. At all. Seems odd, like a blind spot for me.
Some are creative projects I'd LOVE to get into. I love to paint furniture, have the furniture to paint, space, and supplies.... but it FEELS like I should be doing other things, and sometimes I'm paralyzed by it. It's something I'm working on very hard right now. Listening to it. Figuring out what it's about.... this resistance, and getting past it.
I'm wishing you, and everyone, a wonderful 2016. May we all enjoy good health, growth, self awareness and our best possible selves.
((((Tupp and son))))
--- End quote ---
And wishing all of that right back at you! Yes, I'm exactly the same, so much gets almost done and then, as you say, just that final half hour doesn't seem to get completed and there's really no reason, other than, for me, being reluctant to finish and lay myself open to 'it's not good enough'.
This Christmas seems to have opened a tsunami of realisation of the fear I am still carrying in me. I did nothing yesterday; other than cooking lunch I barely left the sofa. I didn't feel anything particularly, good or bad, I just couldn't get it together enough to move. I was thinking about it today; I know I would have felt really good about myself if I'd got on a got another job done (or finished one I'd started) and there was plenty of time yesterday to do a job and have a lazy afternoon or evening as well so I could have done both. But I didn't. And I think it's fear, and perhaps feeling like I don't deserve to be able to pat myself on the back and to do a job well and enjoy free time?
I did realise that never being 'heard' has had an impact. My family used successes in my life to devalue the effect I felt being abused had on me. My mother's argument that the sexual abuse wasn't abuse was that I'd had boyfriends, and dated, and had a baby, and if I'd been abused I wouldn't have been able to do any of those things. She used the fact I went to University as evidence that the constant criticism throughout my childhood had actually been a good thing because it had made me work harder (!). My son's disability has never been accepted as the acute condition that it is and has always been blamed on my parenting of him and my own neuroses and tendency for the melodramatic (other people's words, not mine!). When I reported my step father to the police there was not only zero support from the family but they blamed my messed up life (their words, not mine) on my need to try and destroy other people's. Ironically the problems we were encountering were all related to my mother's false allegations of abuse, many of which I still hadn't uncovered at that point. So there's been this pattern of any success in my life - or enjoyment, for that matter - being derided, devalued or minimising other things that are tough (ie my son's disability can't be that bad if I can go out, for example).
So I really need to work on all of this. I know I'm scared that if I move (when I move I ought to say) that my mum will make allegations again and we'll have all those problems. But I'm starting to think I'm even more scared that we might actually move into a nice flat, in a nice area, and start spending time with good people who I know value me because they've kept in touch despite the fact we live hundreds of miles apart and can't spend a lot of time together. I might even meet a man, and spend my days on the beach with my son, and life might actually become this wonderful gift instead of being an endless endurance test? And it's odd because I desperately want an amazing life but at the same time I think I might be really scared of that happening?
On that note, I have realised I need to try and organise myself better. My son's health makes it hard to plan because he's so up and down a lot of the time but I know it's another thing I avoid because if I wing it constantly then there's always room for 'oh, I just haven't got round to that yet' instead of just not doing or getting it done even if it's not done that well. So first job of today is to plan our week out, and then I think I'll spend today getting organised in the hope that next week will be a week of small achievements instead of me lurching through it :)
I am feeling good things about 2016! All the very best to you and your girls, Lighter, and to everybody else as well :) xx
Twoapenny:
Well that was interesting and unexpected! I've spent the morning planning the week; not something I usually do but I really want to focus my time more now on making things happen instead of running just to stand still which is what I usually seem to do. I've done two plans, one for things we are doing and places we are going to and one for meals. I'm trying to eat more healthily and perhaps more importantly snack more healthily as it's the snacking I fall down on. I also want to eat regularly so I don't keep filling up on coffee to keep myself going. I don't want to spend a fortune so I've tried to plan for a week's worth of food based around what's already in the cupboards and freezer, make my own snacks, build in a few treats and make it food that fits with what we're doing that day so I can do quick meals on busy days. I also wanted to cook ahead a bit so have included some extras for the freezer. It's taken a fair old while and while I was doing it I started to feel really angry and I'm not too sure why?! It wasn't expected, I can't really see a reason for it but at one point I got so angry I just wanted to bin the whole thing and go and get a takeaway. Took a little break, calmed down, I've finished it now and am going to go to buy the few bits we need for next week (don't need to get a lot in). So I will keep any eye on this, I don't know why it made me feel so cross but perhaps as the day goes on it will become apparent :)
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