Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Learning, Growing, Changing, Moving on, Moving Forward
Hopalong:
Oh my god.
Your last family meal required you to lie about your abuse, kiss the abuser, and pretend forthwith.
I would be angry while dealing with food too.
I'm SO glad you've made the connection. And now you can REclaim food, meals, nourishment from the incredible earth...as POSITIVE, self-love, delight, caring, strength, wellbeing, vigor, life itself. It can even become joyful.
It belongs to you now. Not the past.
Oh, yay.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
Thanks, Hops, it is much appreciated :)
Yes, I know! I hadn't thought about that for such a long time but it really came rushing back yesterday. Part of the problem - as I'm sure it is for many - is that abusive behaviour was so normal in our house. People who didn't indulge were considered odd, as were people who didn't drink, who spoke to their kids politely, spent time with them, played games with them, things that other people consider normal were considered weird in our home and all the horrible disgusting stuff that went on was considered perfectly fine. Funny how those things can affect you in such inoccuous ways for so many years to come.
I am, bizarrely, finding that I am enjoying being organised! I always feel under constant pressure and that I'm not doing enough (or doing it well enough) because my to do list just never gets shorted and I always seem to just rush about endlessly until I conk out and can't do anything at all. When I try and build in relaxation time or just take a break I'm so conscious of the pressing need to 'get things done't that I can't relax and just get stressed out about the whole situation. But this seems to be working better. I did a plan for the week and put in things that were already booked. Then I had a list of things that I need to do - bank, groceries, dropping thank you letters off and so on - and I've put those in around the things we're already out doing, so that I'm not constantly driving from one place to another (I seem to do that a lot). Then I looked at food and meal planned for the week so that we've got slow cooker dinners on busy days when we're home late and I've cooked extras so we've got lunches already prepared from the night before. That's helped a lot, I've found already. And then I've fitted in jobs to do at home around everything else and I'm suprised at how much I'm getting done and how much easier it has felt. Normally I'm exhuasted by this point of the week but I woke up this morning feeling pretty perky and quite keen to get on with some more! I will let you know how things go but it is definitely feeling good at the moment! :)
sKePTiKal:
An idea that helped me get my inner "to do" list under control...
was that I came to think about decluttering, dust bunny removal, and general sprucing up... as a gift to myself. Making a space for myself to relax in, breathe better and enjoy things in. The piles of paper and general disarray act like sensory overstimulation on me; they evoke that general anxiety, restlessness, discontent that literally wears a person down into "I don't care anymore-ness", even "I don't see it anymore-ness". It literally causes me to hold excess tension in my body, as if I'm poised to begin a wrestling match!! It's exhausting and a waste of energy.
At the same time, there's a bit of creative "nesting" involved too. Just little things like re-arranging decorative items - maybe filling a vase with flowers - making little "still life arrangements" on tabletops; it's sort of a form of expression.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on January 07, 2016, 08:07:30 AM ---An idea that helped me get my inner "to do" list under control...
was that I came to think about decluttering, dust bunny removal, and general sprucing up... as a gift to myself. Making a space for myself to relax in, breathe better and enjoy things in. The piles of paper and general disarray act like sensory overstimulation on me; they evoke that general anxiety, restlessness, discontent that literally wears a person down into "I don't care anymore-ness", even "I don't see it anymore-ness". It literally causes me to hold excess tension in my body, as if I'm poised to begin a wrestling match!! It's exhausting and a waste of energy.
At the same time, there's a bit of creative "nesting" involved too. Just little things like re-arranging decorative items - maybe filling a vase with flowers - making little "still life arrangements" on tabletops; it's sort of a form of expression.
--- End quote ---
Skep, you are so right! I am enjoying being in my sitting room more, simply because it's less cluttered and I've got rid of the piles of paper that were constantly shouting "sort me out!". I've realised how much stuff I do to make life easier for other people; sending emails just to let people know I've done x, y and z, checking and double checking things, filing things 'in case I need them' and so on. I had a big pile of paper on my desk today and I went through it and just picked out the things that would be detrimental to me in some way if I didn't deal with them. There was one bill that needed to be paid and that was it, everything else was just stuff that I don't need to bother with, so I binned it :) I've still got Christmas presents sitting in my kitchen that I haven't dropped off yet; usually I'd have run myself ragged before Christmas getting things to people but I didn't this year and I've still not seen these people; usually I put them first but I haven't this time (and next year I won't be doing presents for them; it's another one of those things I do 'because I ought to' and I'm going to invent some sort of machine that slaps me every time I think that in the future). But you lose the self expression in sorting out all this unnecessary stuff, don't you. I've got a big box of craft 'projects' I'm going to sort through tomorrow; some of that's been sitting there for years now and I really want to get rid of it - it's another thing that I don't get time for and it's silly to hang on to it.
Hopalong:
I'm so glad you've brought up paper organization, Tupp.
It's the weakest area of my life and right now it's essential that I deal with it.
(I'm talking MONTHS of unopened mail, no clear budget, etc. When the unemployment "cushion" runs out I could be in deep doodoo. Not from spending, just from inattentiveness...part of my ADD.)
I have just hired a neighbor who's good at paper sorting to come help.
She's a few minutes late and I got scared. (She's still coming.)
It is ridiculous. Absurd. Embarrassing. (My house looks tidy, I hide the piles.)
And it's another thing that I approach with fear. This time, or this day, I'm going
to feel the fear and do it anyway. She might even make it fun.
love
Hops
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