Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
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Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 09, 2016, 01:44:22 PM ---I'm so glad you've brought up paper organization, Tupp.
It's the weakest area of my life and right now it's essential that I deal with it.
(I'm talking MONTHS of unopened mail, no clear budget, etc. When the unemployment "cushion" runs out I could be in deep doodoo. Not from spending, just from inattentiveness...part of my ADD.)
I have just hired a neighbor who's good at paper sorting to come help.
She's a few minutes late and I got scared. (She's still coming.)
It is ridiculous. Absurd. Embarrassing. (My house looks tidy, I hide the piles.)
And it's another thing that I approach with fear. This time, or this day, I'm going
to feel the fear and do it anyway. She might even make it fun.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
Aw Hops, I wish we were neighbours, I love sorting out piles off stuff! Particularly other people's, it's so much easier than dealing with your own. I did read a book called 'The Fifteen Minute Rule' by Caroline Buchanan and found that very helpful; it's basically about getting on with things and breaking big, scary tasks down into easy to manage chunks. I found that very useful, particularly when I'm dealing with paperwork regarding my son's health problems which always ends up making me feel sad and/or angry as I have to keep listing all the things he can't do. I also use Rescue Remedy. I don't know if you can get that in the States? But it's just a flower based preparation that helps to calm nerves and make the brain a little more willing to get on with things. Although I don't have ADD so perhaps it wouldn't help in the same way? I hope your neighbour has helped you sort through some of the piles though, I bet you will feel better about it once you're over that first hurdle :) xx
Twoapenny:
Well I sorted out a load of paperwork to do with my son's next clinic appointment; this is a new place that I'm hoping can help with his feeding problems which have been going on for nearly fourteen years now, without anyone being able to find a way to improve his situation. This is a new place, expensive, but I've been saving his disability money and if it helps him to eat a better diet (and makes my life easier because I won't have to lug food around everywhere we go) then it will be money well spent.
I've also spent a lot of time watching television today and I have forced myself not to give myself a hard time about it! I work hard (and even on a day like today when I'm not doing much I'll still put in a good three to four hours with my boy just doing the bare minimum with him so we both have a break from each other) but I always see spending time watching televison as wrong somehow. But there was a lot of forensic crime drama that I hadn't seen and I love that sort of thing so I've sat and enjoyed a break and enjoyed what I was watching. There's still time to do a bit of painting and I know I will feel much better tomorrow for not having done too much today.
Hopalong:
Oh my Lord.
Fortunately you inspire more than intimidate me Tupp!
If only you knew how much TV I have piped into my brain in recent years.
It's embarrassing.
You monitor yourself more relentlessly than anybody else ever did, I would bet.
I admire and envy your productivity. It's like we're coming at it all from two totally
different directions...I'm trying to un-freeze myself from deer-in-headlights-do-nothing mode,
and you're trying to stop working so frantically, so you can savor the rest of your life.
Somewhere in between those poles is the Perfect Person nobody's ever met!
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 10, 2016, 01:24:09 PM ---Oh my Lord.
Fortunately you inspire more than intimidate me Tupp!
If only you knew how much TV I have piped into my brain in recent years.
It's embarrassing.
You monitor yourself more relentlessly than anybody else ever did, I would bet.
I admire and envy your productivity. It's like we're coming at it all from two totally
different directions...I'm trying to un-freeze myself from deer-in-headlights-do-nothing mode,
and you're trying to stop working so frantically, so you can savor the rest of your life.
Somewhere in between those poles is the Perfect Person nobody's ever met!
hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Aw Hops I know what you mean, that happy balance somewhere in the middle is where we all long to be! I struggle with that; I find standing still so scary! I'm reading about mindfulness at the moment, being present, only thinking about what you are actually doing at the time and not thinking about what you're doing next. And as I've spent my entire life not only planning what I'm doing (in order to avoid setting off the H bomb at home) but also second guessing what everyone else is doing as well I find just being in the moment and only thinking about what I'm doing at the time incredibly hard. But I'm having a go and it is happening a little bit every now and again. And yes, I have watched mountains of television over the years; again, it takes my mind off my own situation and I can escape to fantasy; for me it's fantasising that I wrote the amazing crime drama that's unfolding before me. I've always read a lot for the same reason; as a child I can remember literally spending every spare minute in my room imagining that I was with the Famous Five on Kirrin Island helping them solve the mystery :) There is something about unlocking puzzles that I enjoy. Watching TV isn't a bad thing, I just now that there's so much more I'd like to be doing with my life and it just isn't an option at the minute. Sometimes there's a lot of day to fill up and if I'm making myself not rush around then the options indoors are TV or reading. I am trying to develop more hobbies but I do find my head needs a break sometimes and I need to fill it up with something someone else has done. I suppose it's to do with not having company or seeing people very often - there's no-one else's input to feed off for a short while so I'm constantly having to entertain myself and I find it tiring!
Here's to middle ground and finding some place in between that works (although it sounds to me like you're getting out of 'deer-in-the-headlights' mode pretty well at the minute :) xx
Twoapenny:
Do you know, it's funny, Hops, but I've been thinking about that deer-in-a-headlight- mode since I read what you wrote and I realised (as I was washing the walls ready to start painting) that I am frozen like that but I hide it by looking busy all the time and being too 'busy' to go and do what I want to do. I think I'm just as scared of striking out and actually getting somewhere as I am of striking out and failing or not striking out at all. I've often said of myself that I'm constantly running just to stand still and that's how my life's always felt, always working, always busy, always trying but never getting anywhere (or at least not getting any further than getting myself out of crisis after crisis). And I think it's probably just another variation of deer-in-the-headlights except this deer looks like he's trying to run but can't!
I found with my planning for the week last week that I put too much in each day and so didn't finish the list, which then meant moving those jobs onto the next day and so on. So when I sat down and planned yesterday I've purposely put far, far less in each day to make it more achievable. When I looked at the list this morning I realised I actually felt scared of being able to cross everything off it before I go to bed tonight. It's 8 am here and I'm already half way through it. And the thought of being able to cross everything off and perhaps sit down this evening feeling that I've done a complete day feels very alien to me and very scary. I'm aware, as all of this is going through my mind, that a big thing with my mum is not being better than her, and I wonder if that's something to do with living in a state of chaos all the time (for me, at least)? She was a perfect housekeeper, very good cook, the garden was always immaculate, she grew her own veg, always paid bills on time and could stretch a little money a long way. But that's her domain and I know how uncomfortable she gets if she doesn't have anything to criticise and that's when she gets nasty. I've wondered in the past if her allegations against me were a way of knocking me back down again, because they often came during a change in my life which 'may' have made life better for us. I wonder if she sees that as a threat and if that's something to do with me not 'getting there', for fear of displeasing her. I had really thought I had all this mum stuff licked but it seems that's not quite the case.
Anyway - I'm rambling! Just wanted to say thanks because that comment really made me think and I think it's shifted a few more things in my mind now. I will send it back your way to shift some of that filing for you ;) xx
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