Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

To Tell Or Not To Tell?

(1/6) > >>

Twoapenny:
Having a bit of a quandry and would appreciate your input!

As you know, I am hoping to move far, far away this year.  Have struggled a bit the last couple of days to get on with things but overall I can see us moving within the next two to three months.

I don't want my mum to know where we've moved to, even just a general area.  As the area I live in now is very small and cliquey, I know from previous experience that people gossip and that, although it doesn't appear to be done to cause trouble, most things I do get back to my mum via the local gossips.  She's very good at doing the crying, 'I just want to know if they're okay' rubbish to get people to tell her stuff and some people just like having something to talk about, I think.

My thinking is to (a) not tell anyone we're going until the day before and (b) to say we're going abroad for a year.  I think there's less chance of her trying to track us down if she thinks we've gone commune hopping through Europe.  I can organise the move myself so no-one will know where we've actually gone, most of my bills and so on can be done online and I can get mail redirected as well so there's no need to give anyone my new address (at least not anyone she could find it out from). 

Most of the people who live around here I could happily walk away from and never see or speak to again.  There are a few, however, that I feel very uncomfortable about lying to and who I would like to keep in touch with.  I don't feel, however, that I can tell two or three and (a) completely rely on them to keep quiet and (b) I don't feel it's fair to put other people in a situation where they might have to lie in order to protect us.  I also feel a bit cheesed off that I'm having to behave as if I've gone into some sort of witness protection programme and hide my identity.

So just slightly unsure as to what to do - lie to everyone and put up with the bit of discomfort of doing that to the few I would rather be honest with or just be open about it anyway and deal with whatever she throws my way once she finds out (interestingly she is subjecting my younger sister to the sort of false allegations she put me through years ago anyway so I might be safe from her wrath regardless).  Would appreciate your thoughts :) x

sKePTiKal:
Don't forget to turn off location services/apps on your computer & phone.

It is pretty easy to find you, if you just up & disappear. After all, mom will be so worried for your safety.  ;)
So, while I wouldn't ordinarily recommend it, I think I'd go with the cover story. You can always spill the beans about where you are, after you've had some peace & quiet & healing and feel strong enough to let it be known, to some you trust more than others.

You're going to live my fantasy - to just disappear! LOL.

Hopalong:
Hmm.

Do you feel uncomfortable about not disclosing your true plans to those few people because:

1) They truly would be hurt because they truly care

2) They are such nice people that you want to live up to what they'd expect? (The "what will people think of me" thing?)

3) Something else?

Maybe another option might be to tell those few you care about most: "This may seem odd but I am planning to go camping for a long stretch--or 'away for a while'--and because of family issues, I prefer not to tell anyone where. Not even my favorite people. I just wanted you to know up front so you wouldn't be too surprised. I'll be in touch later on to fill you in.")

Then off you go, having been honest with those you wanted to tell something, but without having disclosed any details that would undermine your desire for a complete separation from the whole system there. How long "later on" will be is up to you.

Would something like that help, do you think?

Hops

Hopalong:
I watch too much TV, but occurred to me too...would it be helpful to stop by the police on your way out of town and have a quiet word to say:

"I want to just let you know that I'm going out of town for an indefinite period and prefer not to be contacted by family, who might raise a false alarm about me "going missing." I am fine and this is a voluntary adventure, just in case anyone inquires."

?? Too dramatic? (I'd keep it low-key, tone wise, of course...)

Hops

ann3:
"lie to everyone"

Under the circumstances, I don't think this is really lying, per se.  Instead, not telling seems to be a matter of your survival and well being.  Sounds like if you felt "safe", you would tell everyone, maybe even including your mum, but you obviously don't feel safe telling, so why not trust your gut instinct?

After you have moved and feel safe, then perhaps you can decide to tell those certain people why you didn't mention it before.  If they are truly good friends (who want the best for you), they will understand.  If they are not truly good friends, then they may gossip and eventually reveal your new location, which defeats your entire plan, no?


--- Quote ---I don't feel, however, that I can tell two or three and (a) completely rely on them to keep quiet and (b) I don't feel it's fair to put other people in a situation where they might have to lie in order to protect us.  I also feel a bit cheesed off that I'm having to behave as if I've gone into some sort of witness protection programme and hide my identity.
--- End quote ---
   Yes, I hear you.  My vote:  put yourself and your well being in primary position and do what's best for you.  If that means don't tell, then don't tell.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page