Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
To Tell Or Not To Tell?
Twoapenny:
You lot are amazing, I knew you'd see through the head muddiness :)
Skep: Fortunately I am the least tech savvy person on the planet so I don't have a smart phone and we probably won't have internet access at home, at least for a while once we get there so I think that reduces that sort of risk, plus I don't really do Facebook or any other sort of social media (I do have an account but mostly for keeping track of bands I like and festivals so I can delete it without it attracting attention). The idea of disappearing is nice, isn't it?! Would be nicer if it was some sort of remote desert island - with a gaggle of kind, compassionate, level headed women (like yourselves) for company and a few big beefy manservants to do the hard work. And chocolate that isn't fattening and cocktails that don't give you a hangover :) Ah, you've started something now! :) Thank you xx
Hopsie, thank you. I had thought about contacting the various agencies myself to pre-empt her but have been burnt so badly before them in the past (including the police) that I don't trust them enough to actually do the right thing (ie, their jobs!). Plus I find the idea of having to deal with them in any way quite frightening still so I have got a document written up that details all the harassment, which in the UK falls under the categories of domestic abuse and disability hate (I don't know if you categorise things in the States in the same way!) along with some information from a couple of support groups that explains how what we've been through falls into those categories. That way if we get the knock at the door I can just hand them all the information they need without having to 'deal' with it (as it makes me fall apart).
I love your suggestion of how to phrase things to people so that I'm not 'lying', I'm just not saying where exactly! Perfect in between statement and would definitely make me feel better about keeping quiet without actually being untruthful so I will be using that, thank you so much! I think what would hurt them is the feeling that I don't trust them to keep quiet, but unfortunately what I've found in the past is that people do chitter chatter, not to be nasty but just because they do, especially in the pub after a few beers or something similar and around here it's like Chinese Whispers, it just gets passed from person to person until eventually it gets back to my mum (who still has some people around here thinking she's this lovely granny who just wants to see her beloved grandchildren and that I'm a wicked and selfish girl for refusing to do that). I know a few years back I got taken into hospital suddenly and only told three people, people who I trusted, who know the situation and who know not to talk. A week later I got an email from an aunt who I hadn't heard from for about ten years wanting to know if I was okay as they were worried about my hospital visit. I know no-one would have gossiped maliciously but it just seems to fall out of their faces without them thinking about it. There is an element in there of me being 'nice' and not upsetting people and I am working hard to ignore that voice and flatten it! Thank you :) xx
Thank you, Ann, so much, yes it is about feeling safe isn't it, and sadly I don't think I'll feel safe until she's dead. Which just feels like such a horrible way to feel about your own mum but that's the truth of the matter. And I think you are right, good friends will understand. I was trying to think if I would understand someone doing it to me and I would, if they were frightened and had to just go I would understand that that's better for them than being frightened. I love the idea of putting myself first and doing what's best for us, although it's still a concept I struggle with a bit (!) but I'm practising it more and more and it is the right thing to do, isn't it?
Thank you all so much, I knew you'd be able to see through the muddiness and the what ifs and know which way to head. Thank you :) xxxxx
sKePTiKal:
Tupp, if you get 20 questions about why you're not being more specific about where you're going... your fallback, is: that information is on a need to know to basis; it could put you on the spot if you knew - so it's better you don't.
Right after Mike died, I was kinda unguardedly babbly. Thinking out loud kind of thing. Putting the house on the market slipped out a couple of times, and that made people concerned that I was making decisions too quickly. They were truly looking out for me (and I still get that from time to time). The compromise I ended up making, that is "best of both worlds" kind of thing, is to deal with the "stuff", the reduction in things that really belong to other people, and the maintenance list - things that need doing no matter what I decide to do. That's going to take months, realistically. So I've had some weeks now, of blessed peace & quiet and a chance to round up the scattered pieces of myself a little bit more.
Best of luck, sweetie! This sounds like a grand adventure.
lighter:
I'm very excited for you, Tupp.
Planning your big move..... getting so close.
How is your darling boy feeling about the move?
Lighter
Hopalong:
I love this expression!
--- Quote ---it just seems to fall out of their faces...
--- End quote ---
.
It's perfect. Spot on. And so funny.
:)
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on January 15, 2016, 08:14:12 AM ---Tupp, if you get 20 questions about why you're not being more specific about where you're going... your fallback, is: that information is on a need to know to basis; it could put you on the spot if you knew - so it's better you don't.
Right after Mike died, I was kinda unguardedly babbly. Thinking out loud kind of thing. Putting the house on the market slipped out a couple of times, and that made people concerned that I was making decisions too quickly. They were truly looking out for me (and I still get that from time to time). The compromise I ended up making, that is "best of both worlds" kind of thing, is to deal with the "stuff", the reduction in things that really belong to other people, and the maintenance list - things that need doing no matter what I decide to do. That's going to take months, realistically. So I've had some weeks now, of blessed peace & quiet and a chance to round up the scattered pieces of myself a little bit more.
Best of luck, sweetie! This sounds like a grand adventure.
--- End quote ---
Yep, I know what you mean, Skep, often others mean well or they just don't understand the ins and outs of a situation (let's face it, a lot of us don't know the ins and outs of our own situations, let alone other people's!) but I have found over the years keeping information to myself and only sharing with one or two people who I know either get it or accept that I get it and will let me get on with it is the best way forward. And sometimes, you know, we do make decisions too quickly or for the wrong reasons or whatever but that's just life and we can just get on and deal with that later on. Interestingly I can look back now at some decisions I made which I subsequently felt were wrong, but over time they did turn out to be for the best - it's often a question of perspective, isn't it?
Thank you for the wishes! It feels like a grand adventure, I feel excited - anxious at times as well but that's to be expected. I found myself yesterday imagining getting ready for a night out, thinking about what to wear, putting on make up and so on - I can't remember the last time I even thought about stuff like that, stuff that's just fun and frivolous and has no purpose other than enjoyment. Feels like a lifetime ago, but I'm looking forward to making that a reality :) xx
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