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Continued healing
Gaining Strength:
I'm sneaking back to this place of comfort because I need a refuge as I continue on my journey of seeking and healing.
In some ways I'm in the same place but in others I am moving forward. I still struggle but I continue to understand more and more about my disorder and how I got here. This month has been one of those slips into depression. Not unusual but always I welcomed. But with it comes always welcomed insights.
It is my birthday today and for the past 6 months I have been planning about my life going forward, what I want to accomplish with the last third of my life. Honestly I am very excited about it and have been able to be more focused than at other periods. I am able to let so many things go which is such a relief. Today I am now the age my husband was when he died. This has been especially significant to me as I am ever vigilant about my young son's life and how little family or support system he has. In truth, it frightens me and that fear, of course, triggers all that is related to fear and hopelessness in the past.
I still have such a huge struggle with being able to function fully on a daily basis and this is directly related to my brain function and the profound sensitivity that can at times be debilitating. So worked into my goals is the significant one of maintaining my mental health. Ironically, some of the steps that help are the most difficult to execute when I am struggling so in part I am waiting for the wave of debility to wane and it will and when it does I will renew my efforts to exercise regularly. That will surely help regulate those surges of anxiety that at times keep me paralyzed still.
Finally the cold is soon abated. The spring birds are here but the cold still cuts like a knife.
Moving forward, I have turned again to Jon Kabat-Zinn's meditations. They have such a calming effect and I believe, over time, a healing power as well. I love concentrating on evoking and feeling the emersion of love. Bit by bit. I can extend that experience. Oddly, the first bit of that feeling actually sends a shock of fear that gives way to acute anxiety. All of it hardening back to past experiences where hope led to exclusion and rejection and the paralyzingly sense of humiliation. It is a powerful cycle. It is a reflection of normalcy for me. And in that moment of mindful experience of that cycle - hope - remembrance - fear - paralysis - I see past and present and delve in to refocus, re experience a moment of sitting emerged in the sense of love. Believing that that experience, that healing will grow and extend the more I practice, the only surprise is how difficult it still is to jump back into the meditation. But I will. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.
sKePTiKal:
Hi there. I've been keeping up with your progress on FB and it seems to me you're doing really well.
Big hugs and a Huzzah!! happy dance for you.
(PR)
Gaining Strength:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on February 26, 2016, 07:36:14 AM ---Hi there. I've been keeping up with your progress on FB and it seems to me you're doing really well.
Big hugs and a Huzzah!! happy dance for you.
(PR)
--- End quote ---
Thanks Skeptikal. It's nice to be able to pop in and be remembered.
Gaining Strength:
I started listening to Jon Kabat-Zinn's Mindfulness meditations on YouTube about 18 months ago. His voice is so soothing. Just this month, when depression pulled me down deep again, I went to his Heartscape meditation which is the right one at the right time. I am more and more drawn to it the more I use t.
My fears Bourne out of rejection and her concomitant wounds find reprieve in the place of love, health and well being that Zinn guides through the meditation. I can tap hope and belief when I am in the midst. In time that experience will be accessible for longer periods and in the midst of fear and darkness. It will take root and replace that long lived canker. How can I not practice? How can I not be willing to cast aside doubt.
It fits with the linguistic list of things that I have been drawn to across the years, like a culmination go a long journey, bringing me to a new place where a different story begins. This healing has been slow and painful. I am hoping to come across a way to put my experiences to good use beyond my own.
Twoapenny:
Happy Birthday for the other day, GS :) Those meditations sound lovely. I'm glad you're hanging on in there and making progress. I do find the winter quite difficult to get through each year. It's feeling more like spring now; the mornings and evenings are lighter, the birds start singing much earlier and crocuses and daffodils are starting to flower, it makes a really big different, I find :) x
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