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Continued healing

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lighter:
Emerge, GS.

Breath the free air.

Lighter

Gaining Strength:
I came across this post today at the bottom of a blog post that made a connection between PTSD and victims of Narcisists.  I connected to much of what she wrote.  I find it more validating when it is written by someone else. 


--- Quote ---Annie
NOVEMBER 8, 2014 AT 10:20 AM
I have been toying with the idea of PTSD for the past few weeks. This post has helped me to realize I likely suffer from C-PTSD from sibling abuse. I have nearly every symptom associated with PTSD, but haven’t experienced a “severe traumatic” event.

I am 56 years old, each year I feel; more anxious, disconnected, and sad. I don’t enjoy social events, I’m on high alert at all times, afraid of humiliation. When I isolate, I feel lonely. The little confidence I have gathered in life is slipping.

As a child from a family of 10, I was the scapegoat. I was tormented by my next older brother and sister. Every day, I was laughed at and teased. If I tried to get away from them, I was followed and taunted. We lived in the country, so were isolated. I was repeatedly told how stupid I was, ugly, worthless, fat, would never amount to anything, and no one would ever want me. Every mistake I made was a family broadcast and resulted in prolonged taunting. My other siblings did not stick up for me, and often joined in on the taunt. My mother looked the other way, or told me to stop being a baby, they were only teasing me. My dad was sick. At age 15, this brother set me up on a blind date, as a joke, with a 22 year old controlling man. This man “loved me”, the first person who ever said that to me. I became pregnant at age 15, and married him, It was my escape from that home. I divorced by age 19.

I’ve been through counseling twice, but it hasn’t “stuck”. I think this may be because I didn’t address the PTSD. I am a successful professional woman, I am thin, physically active, eat healthy, and have been told I am nice looking. I am married to a kind man, who loves me. I have 2 beautiful grown daughters and 2 lovely grandchildren. I have a few friends, but am very slow to trust.

I have withdrawn some from my family of origin. I still live in the same area, but don’t engage much, mostly holidays or special events. My abusive sister has cut back quite a bit on her hurtful comments, but I avoid her a lot. My brother is unchanged, I think. I don’t engage with him much at all and he basically ignores me. I have found myself in a couple of parallel experiences with in-laws and at work, where I had flashbacks to my childhood, and basically felt “re-victimized”. This has left me more cautious.

I am not suicidal or in danger of hurting my self. I have been treated with SSRI’s for depression and sleep medications, but they leave me feeling flat and groggy.
I want to heal. I want to feel joy, not emptiness, fear and sadness. I feel broken and robbed. This blog has given me some hope that there are others out there who have suffered sibling abuse and could help me heal. I would appreciate any suggestions, insights, or ideas anyone may have. I am excited that some are writing a book about their experiences, as it is helpful to hear from others. I don’t want to write a book, I’m not good at writing, but I would be happy to share more of my story.
Annie[\quote]



--- End quote ---

Gaining Strength:
TT and Lighter - thank you for the encouragement.  It is time for me to emerge.  I believe it too.  I am thankful for being able to see my role in all this finally and to be able to see it without feeling such profound shame but rather understanding.  I have one more level.  I'm trying not to press it but let it ( and now I have the right word) emerge.

I'm waiting, preparing, pushing ever so gingerly.  It has been a lifetime. The correction may be swift or it may be slow but it will certainly come.

Gaining Strength:
Here is the blog post.  I like the idea though The article is light on substance.

http://letmereach.com/2014/02/01/ptsd-in-the-aftermath-of-narcissistic-abuse/#comments

Hopalong:
WOW.
Sibling abuse scarred me deeply.
And then the bullying at school (also abuse).

I think PTSD makes enormous sense, and I felt somewhat that way for decades.
It is a form of anxiety after all...

Hops

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