It feels huge, Hops.
And .... it's part of the rewiring....the recalibrations in'me brain pan. To observe from a distance.....and stop every mindless scamper into negative worry spirals....doing doing doing, to relieve discomfort. Mine and others.
What will I do with that time, instead? No head pain ...but that part remembers the pain. Interesting. Feels heavy.
It's, at once, uplifting and empowering to stand in this new place, now.
Easy to shift, into worry, as my traditional cadence of moving quickly in the world (more chaotic, and what if? focused) is pulled back, and asked to rest, while problem solving and action are required.
It's feeling like a magic trick ....and both magician (Me), and assistant (my parts), wonder how these new, untried tricks will work. IF they'll work.
The old tricks worked, but not optimally.
And....maybe this is more nuanced than I'm coming across?
I'm more focused on my reactions/responses, and less focused on others/needing them to be ok/feeling responsible, which was a larger issue w/T.
One can KNOW something is true, but be haunted by it, just the same.....to consistent distraction. Old trauma overlaying present moments....or not overlaying, kwim?
This is more about avoiding the haunted, familiar and deeply rutted places on my map......and....what you said.....in the other thread ....about occupying new places on the map.
If I followed correctly.
That.
Generally, and about grown kiddo's standing in their own power, bc I've taught and modeled and must trust, regardless of the mistakes I know I've made and modeled.
I did my best. Will have to be enough. It's ok. Even if it's not ok..... it's ok.
It's similar with the renovations, yard, mechanics of keeping things going .....emptying the house,partially, shaking up my belongings, like dice, and sorting it all out.....with terrible executive function skills, and at least 1 bathroom renovation (on very tight budget) and roof/gutter replacement looming........while mindfully quieting the parts of my brain usually in charge of such things asked to be still.....take a rest.....not worry, act or jump in when the heat's turned up.
Feels like I've just written all that out in other threads, but didn't come across as intentioned.
I feel woozy in the world. I feel one hand is tied, behind my back.....my creative, super active hand.....BUT.....in return, chaos is quieted...... mindfulness restored......
positivity enabled ...
new program up......
but, not quite running.
It's a lot.
Stemming from parts work.
Identifying patterns, no longer serving me.
But, ultimately about programming my RAS/Reticular Activating System, favoring what I want, consistently, while extinguishing things, that belong, but I'm ready to let rest.
Now.
And, it's ok.....doing it imperfectly. Figuring it out.... perseverance through frustration leading to reactivity, but catching it, bc I've worked to cultivate that second to consider rising above the old programs, again and again.
Choice restored. ✔️
The doing......while calm and comfortable, is one thing.
The doing,vwgile under duress, or the presence of young people's suffering.....is the same trick, but, as is the case with martial arts, all skills, new and old, are diminished by half on the street.....in practice......on develops muscle memory/builds brain pathways stronger/faster,c transfers myelin from other, more reactive pathways. It takes so much energy.....the b ain, despite being 2% of the body, requires 20% of the energy,cand this while in a resting state. Higher processing requires much more energy ....is expensive. I absolutely experience this, physically.
All in all ...now ... there's less confusion, bc less suffering , bc less resistance to acceptance.....
bringing more consistent focus on identified goals, with identified outcomes.....less floundering back to reactive defaults....less recovery/judgment/shame/confusion.
I prolly think and write with a lot of static .... I know these posts could be skinnied down, put down with more clarity, but it's how I navigate my internal world/biochemistry/restoration of choice, again and again.
Now.
Thanks for being a cherished sounding board, (Hops.)
Lighter
Turning towards trust and curiosity.....fully away from fear.
