Author Topic: I met DD24's bf's parents  (Read 810 times)

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8709
I met DD24's bf's parents
« on: April 27, 2025, 03:57:02 PM »
It was the prettiest spring afternoon one could hope for.  I arrived a tad late....bf's band already on the quaint little outdoor stage, playing jazz....a gig.  We were supposed to all meet there, under similar circumstances, but the hurricane happened.  We talked about the fear. Talked about gratitude.....finally meeting, months later.  They were shocked at the devastation.  Weren't quite prepared for it.

Dogs relaxed at nearby tables....cows roamed 50 feet away in a green pasture.  This happened at the fancy farm, where I picked up 300 airline blankets for hurricane relief. I bet there were 5000 or more blankets waiting for distribution.....just a big fancy estate with cottages, restaurant and lots of land. Really special.
 
The mama wrapped me in a big bear hug, like I knew she would.  The dad stuck his hand out for a handshake.

My DD24 was quiet, listening, watching our interaction.  I don't think she spoke much, if at all, while I  was there. The dad was very talkative, but I guess he'd been chattering with DD, which warmed him up.  He's more introverted, while the mama "never met a single stranger." The mama is very high energy, driven in business, would move heaven and earth for her son and daughter. DD recently married her HS sweetheart at age 25yo, btw. 

I wasn't shocked, but it was pretty plain how the Mama's thinking, when she put all her wedding rings on DD's fingers and was all giddy about it. 

The men were silent.....me too.....all stock still and motionless. I have the feeling mama gets her way, most of the time. In this case, I believe a promise ring, at the very least, will be presented very soon.  Ring sizes were discussed. It seems imminent, though DD assured me they're thinking wedding in 6 years...after she graduates.

I have to say......the bf said he was sure DD is the girl for him on one of their first dates. Something about that was so touching....I almost wept...but sucked it up.  I think it was lovely to feel DD is cherished and so loved.....and she's so obviously delighted with her bf, and his big, friendly family, including a set of Grandparents and cousins with little children.

I've been invited, to join family gatherings, by the mama. As I said .... she's running that show.  It's understood.  I can't imagine she's not  challenged often. The bf is considered a "mama wrangler," in that he's logical, rational and good at validating her feelings, and calming her down, when necessary.  I think he has a kind heart, for certain.

I will say.....the mama feels her children do as they please, despite her feelings... mainly to do with where they live and went to school....her DD lives 10 hours away, driving. Son lives 2 hours away, and she wanted him to pick her up, on mother's Day, then drive another 2 hours to Grandma's house, but bf wasn't going for it.  He'll meet everyone at Grandma's house, which seemed reasonable to me.  I'm glad he can stand up to her.  Glad he loves and honors her, also.  He's keen on my acceptance, as well.

And so...... we agreed we've  raised nerd children. Their dd is in tech/editing.

The dad is quite trim, like the DD, whose 22 mo older than bf. The mama isn't on the trim side..... bf isn't either....and mother/son are more outgoing than the father/DD are.

My girls are 22mo apart.

The mama is in heavy equipment business, as is my brother and the dad built their home....he installs fireplace mantles, is a woodworker, by trade.....the men in my family are very competent/capable too. It feels very comfortable and somewhat familiar.  The mama reminds me of my sister.  A great good lot.

As we're all, as parents, fixed (not fixated,) on happy adult children.....and at least open to honoring their choices, based on stories and the discussion.... things feel pretty darn good.🙏
Lighter










Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13655
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2025, 10:25:15 AM »
Glad it went so well, Lighter!
Sounds like an interesting, functional family.
Love the multigenerational mess.

And it's lovely that DD is so happy with him.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8709
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2025, 11:24:52 AM »
Thanks, Hops.

The dad is no contact with his FOO...mother, father, brother.  Very dysfunctional, and he just blurts out how it was.  Very comfortable leaving it behind...... embracing his wife's family, as his own.
Lighter


sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5454
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2025, 07:12:51 AM »
Life happens. No matter what else we're up to or involved with.

I'm glad your meeting was pleasant and didn't set off alarm bells. Your DD sounds pretty well grounded, if a little over-cautious for that age. At the same time, she appears to have a plan for herself. Very different from Holly at that age. But Hol is closing in on 50 y.o. now.

She SEEMS to be settling in with C, full speed ahead. He has been here this week helping with the last major reno in the studio, in between his business work. She's been helping him rebuild/rescue his old house. I'm glad of the help - it's one more thing that B can scratch off his list; helps him focus. I'm taking a giant step back; observing without being "involved"... and I'll catch up with Hol's perspective as we have a chance.

It really has been a gorgeous spring, hasn't it?
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13655
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2025, 04:54:56 PM »
It's breathtaking here.
Just got in from a long lunch with three other poets at a little cafe out in the mountains. Yummy food and wine, a shady porch, a happy puppy (they brought him several meats).

More poetry in a bit with the main (online) workshop. I'm ready!

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8709
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2025, 09:27:49 AM »
I agree....loveliest Spring ever.

I feel like Snow White, on the back porch.  Chipmunks, squirrels, birds of all types singing, feeding and perching all around.

I've been in front yard twice, weeding.  If I work 7am ish ....... it's peaceful and I enjoy being in that part of the yard.

If I wait till later..... there's too many visitors and drive by chats. 

Serenity is in the cool of the morning....working out front.  Fewer bugs too. 

Yesterday, it was sprinkling, and the moss and stones.....other plants, seemed to ask for attention.  I enjoyed hours of mindful attentiveness.  I can limit interruptions if I get a routine in place.

Lighter

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8709
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2025, 12:49:25 PM »
DD24's bf is caring for the pug.  He was a back up plan, to our normal sitter, who is traveling also.

My sister's flight out was cancelled, so she's at the house, cooking for bf.  It seems like everything is upside down with air travel right now.  BIL went through exactly same thing a few days ago.


Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13655
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2025, 09:11:37 PM »
Belatedly, I CAN see you as a Disney princess! LOL.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8709
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2025, 03:14:21 PM »
DD24's bf is bummed bc the music school, where he teaches, closed without notice.  He managed to get final paycheck, but it's been harrowing for him, I think.

I heard his mother, on speaker phone.... she's sorry,  and trusts he'll figure something else out.  Lots of silence on the line.😬

I SO wanted her to soothe and save him in the silent space!!!!

I also know he's an adult, with a degree, and 2 other jobs..... he's personable and connected. 

My brain feels hot....like it's melting, top right, and running into my R ear.

Resisting reactivity is a job ....a truck ...a mindful choice, now I SEE it all the time, sans noticing first.

This mother..... she's doing the right thing. No matter the discomfort, it creates for her mother's heart, she's sending a message of trust and belief he will be fine on his own.

I know this.

My body....my heart....are stuck caring for younger children.  Must update the software.

All is well.  All will be well

Lighter

Hopalong

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13655
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #9 on: Today at 05:34:07 AM »
Quote
My body....my heart....are stuck caring for younger children.  Must update the software.

That sounds huge, important and helpful, Lighter.

I'd been wondering if the current waves of anxiety are connected to releasing your DDs to their independent lives, away from home. Empty nest (or soon to empty) panics are intense for many and a normal if painful passage. Right? Unless I've misunderstood, which I do a lot.

As long as we're focused on keeping them home and in our orbits, they're not quite flying. So you're facing a tough transition. Has it been looming for you? If so, I get it.

Hope you find good new friends where you live and revived connections with trusted old ones. I know I have a few now that I'm feeling very grateful for.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8709
Re: I met DD24's bf's parents
« Reply #10 on: Today at 11:03:33 AM »
It feels huge, Hops. 

And .... it's part of the rewiring....the recalibrations in'me brain pan.  To observe from a distance.....and stop every mindless scamper into negative worry spirals....doing doing doing, to relieve discomfort.  Mine and others.

What will I do with that time, instead? No head pain ...but that part remembers the pain.  Interesting.  Feels heavy.

It's, at once, uplifting and empowering to stand in this new place, now.

Easy to shift, into worry, as my traditional cadence of moving quickly in the world (more chaotic, and what if? focused) is pulled back, and asked to rest, while problem solving and action are required.

It's feeling like a magic trick ....and both magician (Me), and assistant (my parts), wonder how these new, untried tricks will work. IF they'll work. 

The old tricks worked, but not optimally. 

And....maybe this is more nuanced than I'm coming across?

I'm more focused on my reactions/responses, and less focused on others/needing them to be ok/feeling responsible, which was a larger issue w/T.

One can KNOW something is true, but be haunted by it, just the same.....to consistent distraction.  Old trauma overlaying present moments....or not overlaying, kwim?

This is more about avoiding the haunted, familiar and deeply rutted places on my map......and....what you said.....in the other thread ....about occupying new places on the map. 
If I followed correctly.
That.

Generally, and about grown kiddo's standing in their own power, bc I've taught and modeled and must trust, regardless of the mistakes I know I've made and modeled.

I did my best.  Will have to be enough.  It's ok.  Even if it's not ok..... it's ok.

It's similar with the renovations, yard, mechanics of keeping things going .....emptying the house,partially, shaking up my belongings, like dice, and sorting it all out.....with terrible executive function skills, and at least 1 bathroom renovation (on very tight budget) and roof/gutter replacement looming........while mindfully quieting the parts of my brain usually in charge of such things asked to be still.....take a rest.....not worry, act or jump in when the heat's turned up.

Feels like I've just written all that out in other threads, but didn't come across as intentioned.

I feel woozy in the world.  I feel one hand is tied, behind my back.....my creative, super active hand.....BUT.....in return, chaos is quieted...... mindfulness restored......
positivity enabled ...
new program up......
but, not quite running.

It's a lot.
Stemming from parts work.
Identifying patterns, no longer serving me.
But, ultimately about programming my RAS/Reticular Activating System, favoring what I want, consistently, while extinguishing things, that belong, but I'm ready to let rest. 

Now.

And, it's ok.....doing it imperfectly.  Figuring it out.... perseverance through frustration leading to reactivity, but catching it, bc I've worked to cultivate that second to consider rising above the old programs, again and again. 

Choice restored. ✔️

The doing......while calm and comfortable, is one thing.

The doing,vwgile under duress, or the presence of young people's suffering.....is the same trick, but, as is the case with martial arts, all skills, new and old, are diminished by half on the street.....in practice......on develops muscle memory/builds brain pathways stronger/faster,c transfers myelin from other, more reactive pathways.  It takes so much energy.....the b ain, despite being 2% of the body, requires 20% of the energy,cand this while in a resting state.  Higher processing requires much more energy ....is expensive.  I absolutely experience this, physically.

All in all ...now ... there's less confusion, bc less suffering , bc less resistance to acceptance.....
bringing more consistent focus on identified goals, with identified outcomes.....less floundering back to reactive defaults....less recovery/judgment/shame/confusion.

I prolly think and write with a lot of static .... I know these posts could be skinnied down, put down with more clarity, but it's how I navigate my internal world/biochemistry/restoration of choice, again and again.
Now.

Thanks for being a cherished sounding board, (Hops.)

Lighter



 









Turning towards trust and curiosity.....fully away from fear.