I am not surviving in any sense. I feel like I am living in1984(the book where the government watched you all the time and real living was prohibited) but the govornment is in my brain. I am not strong enough (my therapist says YET, and sometimes I believe that one day I will be) able to stand up to this voice that attacks me and have a life. Right now I am very scared even scareder than I was because my neurological system is giving out on me. All my life I thought it was my job to support the selves of other people, to hide myself, that who I really was would hurt other people, Now my body is giving out on me. I pressed myself to go on and on. I want to apologize for everything I say and then I geet angry because I feel like i have never been heard. I pressed myself to go on and on and front like it was all okay and now my inside and outside have had enough and are in crisis. I can't remember things from minute to minute. Emotionally I am not surviving, physically I am not surviving, spiritually I am not surviving, I am NOT SURVIVING. I say this mostly to myself to get it through my head that it is not okay I am not surviving I want to learn to survive, maybe this can help, I want to apologize for this I am 28 and I look 40, I can't stop running from the pain and shame and anger is there anyone out there that can hear this or understand I admit I have not been this honest in a long time. I am not surviving I want to learn how, I can't seem to function, I am scared and it hurts. That is me and my situation at this point and for as long as I can remember but I am becoming more aware that this is not the way that everybody is, I admit deep down I am still 13 and grey and slumped in the corner dirty and alone and ashamed that is the age that i emotionally shut down at. I guess I just people pleased on and on and my body is telling feeling it now. I don't know. There are a lot of things that are wrong. I am sorry. I am introducing the real me. That makes me want to apologize forever. I want to smile and laugh so bad that I pretend hard sometimes but it is not real. That 13 year old is still hunced in the corner listlessly and dead eyed and PLEASE HEAR ME. I don't know if I am a horrible person or not. I wonder if at this point it really matters. I hope that someone out there can relate.