Hi I am Bloopsy

[Bloopsy]

I am not surviving in any sense. I feel like I am living in1984(the book where the government watched you all the time and real living was prohibited) but the govornment is in my brain. I am not strong enough (my therapist says YET, and sometimes I believe that one day I will be) able to stand up to this voice that attacks me and have a life. Right now I am very scared even scareder than I was because my neurological system is giving out on me. All my life I thought it was my job to support the selves of other people, to hide myself, that who I really was would hurt other people, Now my body is giving out on me. I pressed myself to go on and on. I want to apologize for everything I say and then I geet angry because I feel like i have never been heard. I pressed myself to go on and on and front like it was all okay and now my inside and outside have had enough and are in crisis. I can't remember things from minute to minute. Emotionally I am not surviving, physically I am not surviving, spiritually I am not surviving, I am NOT SURVIVING. I say this mostly to myself to get it through my head that it is not okay I am not surviving I want to learn to survive, maybe this can help, I want to apologize for this I am 28 and I look 40, I can't stop running from the pain and shame and anger is there anyone out there that can hear this or understand I admit I have not been this honest in a long time. I am not surviving I want to learn how, I can't seem to function, I am scared and it hurts. That is me and my situation at this point and for as long as I can remember but I am becoming more aware that this is not the way that everybody is, I admit deep down I am still 13 and grey and slumped in the corner dirty and alone and ashamed that is the age that i emotionally shut down at. I guess I just people pleased on and on and my body is telling feeling it now. I don't know. There are a lot of things that are wrong. I am sorry. I am introducing the real me. That makes me want to apologize forever. I want to smile and laugh so bad that I pretend hard sometimes but it is not real. That 13 year old is still hunced in the corner listlessly and dead eyed and PLEASE HEAR ME. I don't know if I am a horrible person or not. I wonder if at this point it really matters. I hope that someone out there can relate.

[BlueTopaz]

PLEASE HEAR ME.  

I am introducing the real me.

I hope that someone out there can relate.

Bloopsy,

Yes, I can relate to so many of your feelings, and I hear you very deeply.  Thank you for sharing that.

Just like you said, I also believe that over time, with your continued therapy and inner healing, that you will be very strong.  

I really admire your willingness to be very self honest and honest with others about how you feel, and your determination of working to move forward to better times...

It is very nice to meet the real you   And you do not sound like a horrible person whatsover!

H u g s....

BT

[flower]

Welcome Bloopsy,

I can relate a lot to what you say here.

I've had some pretty scary times in crisis myself.

You are a precious individual and are worthy of love.

Welcome again, Bloopsy.

[blossom]

Dear Bloopsy,

What you said, makes a lot of sense.  And i can relate to your feelings and where you are.
                                                                                                           

"I don't know if I am a horrible person or not."

This is what i said to my therapist, during my "break-through" from all the abuse and torture i endured, since childhood.  Several monsters in my life told me i was them. (Projection.)  By the time i was 36 yrs. old, i thought i really might 'be' them.

The Truth is, i am just me.  I am not the monsters.  You are just you, too, Bloopy.  You are not the monsters.

You are ok.  You have been terribly abused.  It appears that you may be experiencing auditory memories.  I'm wondering if you are experiencing tactile, olefactory and visual memories, too.   If you are, they are *memories*, Bloopy.  Embrace them.  And embrace your feelings.  These are all important parts of who you are.  

Hold on, Bloopy.  This too shall pass.  Gradually, your feelings will subside and you will begin to see the glorious Truth about the loving, caring person you really are.

Thoughts of comfort and healing going out to you...

[bludie]

Bloopsy,
Thank you for having the courage to open up and express your inner feelings. Not easy to do but so important on this journey toward self discovery, awareness and ultimate healing. Many of us can relate to your feelings, so please don't feel alone.

As for recognizing where you're truly at, Bloopsy, this is progress. Although you may be experiencing a 'dark night of the soul' this is usually when we're most ready to make changes and grow. Working closely with your therapist sounds crucial right now, so I hope you'll avail yourself to as much help as he/she can offer. Hang in there, don't give up and believe that you're worth the time, effort and energy to grow, heal and regain your sense of self.

[OnlyMe]

Hello Bloopsie,
How wonderful that you have found this place, and I feel that it will be very healing for you, as it has been for me.  Now you know that you are not alone - there are many of us here who have been and are still suffering and yet  learning to grow and to find ourselves and our strengths and to survive.  It is hard sometimes.  We hear your voice.  Welcome. You are not alone - and I hope that brings you some comfort today.
~onlyme