a date with an N

[Hopalong]

Hi everybody,
No trauma attached to this, but who better to share the tale of my date with a narcissistic therapist?
Poor guy. He was waving red flags at me but didn't realized I'm (finally) good at spotting them!

I actually had a lively time (Ns are so sparkly and many so smart and captivating.) The miracle is that this time, I observed while enjoying the dazzle.

Anyway, he was already "love bombing" me by email, flattering me up one side and down the other. (My pic, my writing, etc.) I made a big point of spelling out before we meet: Please be aware this pic is 6 years old, I've gained 10-15 pounds and don't look as perky any more. Because if one doesn't, it's remarkable how many men will be mad about you not "matching" your photo.

That was all fine with him so we met--he brought flowers, we had coffee and then went off for a light dinner. My N-point is that during two hours, I got to talk about 10% of the time. It was ALL about him. His book ("The world NEEDS my book!"--which I spotted as grandiosity, pat on own back), his life, his divorce, his alcoholism plus his determination to re-structure AA to his liking, etc, etc.

A charming, intelligent, educated, successful (owns a substance abuse center)...etc. man with impeccable manners (except for the not letting me talk part). And when he instantly wrote me about another date...I PAUSED. Told him I needed to think about it.

Meanwhile, I described him to two good friends, and mentioned I was seeing these red flags but vacillating over a Date #2, and they both supported my instincts. So I think I'll gently refuse. I think the guy would drain me like an old battery. I don't think he can help it, and I think his long years of drinking really did kind of arrest him, so his youthfulness is not the allure one might think.

Good experience. It's all practice, and it felt good to observe my progress, how I didn't get "hooked" by the over the top intensity or sparkle...etc. Looking down the road I didn't see a happy picture.

Happy to put this big fish back and let him swim away...proud of myself for spotting the problems and not rationalizing them away out of loneliness.

Hops

[Ales2]

Wow good for you for taking the risk and observing your thoughts about this.   

I read a book years ago about fearless dating and it has some valuable information. It has a dating log where you write out your feelings at the time, let events unfold and check in later in the process. I found it to be very helpful, but would avoid it if people obsess or overthink things.

Here is the link:

https://books.google.com/books?id=cHNLjMGxcF0C&pg=PA114&lpg=PA114&dq=rhonda+britten+dating+lies&source=bl&ots=GnPxsVKo-S&sig=tCaqa_paq01XDIzdbWDAS4u2nSw&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjLpcr-wrrMAhWCbSYKHcMFCYQQ6AEIOTAE#v=onepage&q=rhonda%20britten%20dating%20lies&f=false

Anyway, you are brave!  Good luck and keep us posted on your developments! 

Hops, your posts about your new job, were very helpful and helped me get on track with a new job of my own! Thanks, maybe you are blazing a trail for me and I am going to be dating someone new soon...

~Ales2

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Ales...I'll check out the book! For me, A Fine Romance helped me grow up a lot in my view of what dating is. Huge help.

I still mean all the excitement I had about the new job...dunno if you missed it, but I lost it. Still glad to have had THAT practice, too, though.

I've sulked for a month and now I'm rallying to start applications again. Look forward to it like a dental appointment, but something's out there.

Good luck on your dating adventure, too.

Fingers crossed,
Hops

[Ales2]

I just read the post about the Dragon Lady, no procedure manual, a mess of files and not allowing you to run even a small print ad.... thats all the explanation needed to say NEXT....

Sorry, hope something new and (obviously much) better will be forthcoming. People who ultimately find their dream job or relationship must know something about making good choices...and now, so do you... in work and dating.

Sending best wishes Hops!

[lighter]

OK:

I was looking forward to reading your take on a second date.

Oh well, it's better you save your energy, and gently step around, final analusis.

Too bad N's are so sparkly, huh?

The N trap isn't a boring trap, IME.

Lighter

[Ales2]

About a second date... As much as I agree with avoiding people with red flags, I also believe we all deserve second chances ...in case our intuition is off or we/are can/be oversensitive.

Not saying you are... Hops..but would be interested if there was a second date like Lighter said.  Again, if at minimum you don't feel safe or comfortable, listen to that.

 

[Hopalong]

Well, I also tried to figure out why I spent an hour reading reviews of The Gift of Fear today.

Hmmmmm.

I already emailed him my "No" and it felt very right.

I'll drum up another date sometime and keep you posted!

 

Hops

[lighter]

We'll look forward to reading about that next date, Hops: )

Light

[sKePTiKal]

O Brave Hops...

The Queen of Excuses (moi) is still resisting a first meeting with penpal and salutes you.

[Hopalong]

Hi PR,
Well ymmv, but one of the most helpful tips I absorbed from one book or another was (right for me, in my circumstances...and maybe not for you) when you do want to venture into an actual relationship...to avoid penpal things. The reasoning was, no matter how much you feel you've connected in writing, you simply can't know whether there'll be any chemistry at all in person. That's ineffable, unknowable, and really important. (Doesn't have to be mad passion chemistry, but just enough spark.)

It's really more about the "engine of online dating" -- because that's normally what it is, coffees with lots of people before one clicks. Not so much for someone in relative isolation who's expecting to leave that area, as you are.

But it really made sense for me. Writing, opining and being verbose are my comfort zones. It's my best trick to trot out, but it's about 5% if not less of what a real relationship is made of. What matters is how I can talk to and listen to someone in the flesh, how we'd made small and large negotiations, whether we share humor in the moment, enjoy doing things together, compromising/cooperating on space, time, activity levels, meals, etc.

Somehow I get a lot more information about that even in one hour than I could over months of doing the writing thing.

So that writer's advice is to meet, in person, as soon as is conceivable, when there's interest. The interest does not have to result in continuation or commitment. But the most important screening after only SOME writing...is to meet.

Makes sense for my situation--local and dealing with the local pool because I don't want to move....

So I think meeting midway for that coffee as soon as you can will be really useful to you. Then again, if you prefer his comfort and companionship in cyberspace for now...there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't fantasize about someone you genuinely don't "know." As in the "know" you can only have when someone is sitting near you. The intuitive, internal, nearly unconscious "know" that only presence creates.

That said, there are likely many, many accounts of successful, happy relationships that were epistolary for ages before the people even met.

So having opined all that, you should ignore me and do what works for you!

Jeez. Feel ridiculous but will post this anyway.

Love
Hops