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Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.

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Twoapenny:
I am just feeling like I want nothing to do with old friends.  I find myself thinking of my life as before and after counselling.  Friends after counselling I want, friends from before I don't.  A male friend, who has helped me out enormously in the past, is in a bit of a difficult situation at the moment.  I have offered to help but am secretly relived that he hasn't taken me up on my offer.  I feel terrible for feeling that way as he's helped me out in the past.

I find myself doing this sort of balance sheet to justify to myself why this isn't a 'proper' friendship and I hate myself doing it, but I'm wondering if the bottom line is I just don't want to see him anymore but I can't just admit that?  I find I'm comparing how much time he spends with friends to how much he spends with me, criticisising (in my head) the situation he's in and blaming him for it, he wants to come over next week and I find I'm making excuses not to see him.

Aargh!  I feel bad not wanting to see someone who hasn't done anything to warrant that, especially as he got me through a really tough time.  But at the same time I feel like a really brand new phase is approaching in my life and I almost feel that if I take anyone I knew before with me it will sort of damage things now.  I know that sounds silly but it sort of scares me?

I don't feel like a very nice person right now.  I feel mean and selfish and like I'm always moaning no-one wants to see me and then when someone does I'm looking for a way to wriggle out of it.

I trust your insights and always learn something when I come on here so if anyone has any thoughts about anything I'd be very glad to read them.

sunblue:
Hi Twopenny:

Sometimes, we need to go through an editing phase, carefully pruning people and things out of our lives which no longer work or support us.  There is nothing wrong in that.  But I would make sure that the people in your life "pre-counseling" truly are no longer contributing or adding value to your life.  Just because you formed those relationships during a time when you felt you were not in a good place doesn't necessarily mean those people didn't--and don't--have value for you.

If your old friendships no longer work for you, you have the option of removing them from your life.  But i would caution against completely removing them.  Perhaps those relationships simply need to evolve and change.  Do you feel like you still share common interests and values with them?  Do you enjoy spending time with them?  Are they there to support you during this new phase of your life?  If the answer is "no", perhaps it is time to gently move on from them....but perhaps still maintain some connection.  Whatever your choice, there is no need to feel guilty or feel like you "owe" them a continued relationship.  From my experience, though, good friends are hard to come by....and not every friend can meet all the needs you need.  Perhaps these old friends still fill some need for you?  If so, maintain a relationship with them but don't expect to understand everything you have gone through or meet all of your current needs. 

Either way, it sounds you are in a good place and how lucky you are to have such a network of friends--past and present!  Enjoy these relationships.  Value your friendships and, if necessary, redefine your vision of friendship.

Hopalong:
Tupp dear, my hunch is that you are forestalling any unexpected grief you may feel as the old street disappears into the rear-view mirror and you move to your new location without forwarding address.

Maybe you're amputating all of them.

Maybe it's prophylactic...a sort of "I'll create this loss and leaving and letting hope for connectedness go all in one series of cuts...so the Big Cut won't affect me."

Moving is very hard EVEN WHEN it's for positive reason and even when IT WILL turn out all right.

The pysche just doesn't like it; the psyche's not rational and doesn't care about maths or grades or reasoning or pros and cons. So "reviewing and discarding" might be partly getting your psyche ready for the great big shift.

A hunch is only a hunch, though...what do YOU think?

Be kind to yourself. You're not perfect. As intensely as you puzzle and struggle about relationships, you still won't ever be perfect. And you're just fine. You're a fine human being.

Hugs,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
And perhaps just answer one question... do you still LIKE this person?

It almost sounds as if you're afraid the past relationship will continue to define the present and even hold you back from moving into a new phase, unless you jettison this guy. Like Hops said, that psyche thinks/believes all kinds of things. Boundaries are OK to have with friends too and maybe they even help nurture the friendships.

But I'm also hearing you weighing the transactional side of the relationship; as if you're trying to skip out on a debt you owe this guy. As if that's how relationships work - and the ONLY way they work. I know I've had that model in my head and it's been stronger at some times more than others. And I think that's part of what we learned about relationships through our "primary relationship"... the mom thing. That the only way you could have value in a relationship is how much you give & take within it... instead of just "being" and enjoying each other. Sometimes one person does give more than the other person can return... for a long time.

Sigh. These are always hard questions - whether it's something I'm figuring out for myself or trying to advise someone else on. Sometimes it's essential to look at the balance sheet of a relationship... and other times, it's not the most useful way. At the center of my dilemmas over that is whether or not I'm acknowledging my own need for human connection, my value to myself (which helps pick the right level and kind of boundary with the other person) and my own preferences. Yeah, that's awfully analytical when what we want most from a relationship is that feeling of togetherness in this mess we call life... someone to laugh with... someone to walk with through the slow peaceful happy days, and the storms that blow through, too.

This is one of those times you just have to trust yourself, Tupps. Trust your gut/intuition... and let the chips fall where they may... because you're in the process of doing something really important for you and your son. There may be casualties, but it's not your job to do anything more than insure your OWN survival.

Twoapenny:
Thank you all so much, you are always so wise and patient and what I really love is that you always 'get' what I'm getting at, even though I don't understand it myself sometimes!  I've also chatted to a good friend this morning - one I am clear about! and she's had/is having similar situations to this so talking it through with her has helped as well.

Skep - to answer your question first, I do like him and sometimes enjoy his company.  There is a bit of history between us and at one time I was very much in love with him.  We'd dated a couple of times before that, once in our teens and then again in our late twenties/early thirties.  The second time meant a lot to me, he ended it and I was heartbroken but we stayed in contact as friends.  I'd decided I was going to tell him how I still loved him and just go for it with him and, as so often happens in these situations, the weekend I decided I wanted to declare all was the same weekend he told me all about this fantastic woman he'd met, who he then went on to have a ten year relationship and a baby with.  Needless to say I kept quiet and never told him what I felt then, and as time went on those feelings went away and we went back to just friends (or should I say I did, he'd always been in the friends place).  So I do like him, equally I've been on a bit of a roller coaster with him over the years and I do very much feel like I owe him, even though he hasn't made me feel that way.  I do find it hard to just be and enjoy things, perhaps that is the next thing I have to work on?  Never happy, I moan if people don't help and then if they do I feel beholden to them forever :)  I will need to ponder on this some more, I think.  Thank you.

Hops, thank you, you might be right.  Sometimes it feels like more work - too much work - to keep up some slightly fractured and changing relationships rather then just dumping them all in the bin - bit like patching and re-patching clothes, sometimes it just feels like too much effort.  I'm not really sure how I feel at the moment, very muddled, sometimes strong and 'I don't need anybody' and other times the complete opposite.  I will keep thinking things through; I'm not in action mode yet so I can work through some stuff and not upset anybody (including myself!) by just thinking rather than acting for now.

Sun, thank you.  If I'm honest, I think there are three who, if I just said exactly how I feel, that yes, I do like and would like to spend time with and have contact with.  What I find hard is that where I live now everyone knows everybody else and all these friends know each other and socialise together, so for me cutting ties with some but not others feels difficult and wrong.  Perhaps that is something I need to think a bit more about.  I sort of feel pressured sometimes into seeing people I don't want to because of the gossip that goes on so I think I might need to work on that a bit.

Thank you all for your thoughts, I will keep on thinking things through and hopefully it will all become a bit clearer in the not too distant future! :) x

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