Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.

<< < (2/6) > >>

ann3:
Hi Tupp,

I like what everyone said and here's my take:

--- Quote ---The second time meant a lot to me, he ended it and I was heartbroken but we stayed in contact as friends.  I'd decided I was going to tell him how I still loved him and just go for it with him and, as so often happens in these situations, the weekend I decided I wanted to declare all was the same weekend he told me all about this fantastic woman he'd met, who he then went on to have a ten year relationship and a baby with.  Needless to say I kept quiet and never told him what I felt then, and as time went on those feelings went away and we went back to just friends (or should I say I did, he'd always been in the friends place.)
--- End quote ---

Wow, that must have felt like a punch in the gut!  So, I totally understand why you feel like you want to leave this relationship behind, whether temporarily or permanently.  IMO, that is a lot to deal with.  Doesn't mean either you or he was wrong, but rather that the relationship didn't work out the way YOU wanted it to work out. So, I can understand why you feel relieved that he hasn't taken you up on your offer. Yes, I can understand why you don't want to bring this into your new life.

Tupp, please forgive me if I'm being too forward, but I think that you're putting yourself down quite a bit in your posts on this thread.  You're beating yourself up. No one is perfect. I bet you've done the best you could with this chap, so please give yourself a break.  You're starting a new life, so maybe something to leave behind is being so hard on yourself?  I think you're a good person and there's a lot to celebrate about YOU: your perseverance, dedication, sincerity, etc, etc.


--- Quote ---I do find it hard to just be and enjoy things, perhaps that is the next thing I have to work on?
--- End quote ---
Yes, perhaps some Joie de Vivre?

Anyway, I really agree with this:

--- Quote ---This is one of those times you just have to trust yourself, Tupps. Trust your gut/intuition... and let the chips fall where they may... because you're in the process of doing something really important for you and your son. There may be casualties, but it's not your job to do anything more than insure your OWN survival.
--- End quote ---

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: ann3 on March 13, 2016, 03:09:51 AM ---Hi Tupp,

I like what everyone said and here's my take:

--- Quote ---The second time meant a lot to me, he ended it and I was heartbroken but we stayed in contact as friends.  I'd decided I was going to tell him how I still loved him and just go for it with him and, as so often happens in these situations, the weekend I decided I wanted to declare all was the same weekend he told me all about this fantastic woman he'd met, who he then went on to have a ten year relationship and a baby with.  Needless to say I kept quiet and never told him what I felt then, and as time went on those feelings went away and we went back to just friends (or should I say I did, he'd always been in the friends place.)
--- End quote ---

Wow, that must have felt like a punch in the gut!  So, I totally understand why you feel like you want to leave this relationship behind, whether temporarily or permanently.  IMO, that is a lot to deal with.  Doesn't mean either you or he was wrong, but rather that the relationship didn't work out the way YOU wanted it to work out. So, I can understand why you feel relieved that he hasn't taken you up on your offer. Yes, I can understand why you don't want to bring this into your new life.

Tupp, please forgive me if I'm being too forward, but you really put yourself down quite a bit in your posts on this thread.  You're beating yourself up. No one is perfect. I bet you've done the best you could with this chap, so please give yourself a break.  You're starting a new life, so maybe something to leave behind is being so hard on yourself?  I think you're a good person and there's a lot to celebrate about YOU: your perseverance, dedication, sincerity, etc, etc.


--- Quote ---I do find it hard to just be and enjoy things, perhaps that is the next thing I have to work on?
--- End quote ---
Yes, perhaps some Joie de Vivre?

Anyway, I really agree with this:

--- Quote ---This is one of those times you just have to trust yourself, Tupps. Trust your gut/intuition... and let the chips fall where they may... because you're in the process of doing something really important for you and your son. There may be casualties, but it's not your job to do anything more than insure your OWN survival.
--- End quote ---





--- End quote ---

Hi Ann, and thank you so much for your kind words.  Something you said made me laugh as well, because I've been beating myself up over ........................ the fact that I beat myself up a lot :)  Lol, I didn't realise until I read what you said (not too forward at all, I really appreciate people's honesty and candour on here) that I do it so much and then I was giving myself a hard time over the fact I give myself a hard time.  What a doughnut.  Anyway, work on beating myself up less and having a big more fun, I think they are the two current topics to work on :)

I have given it all a lot more thought and trying to weigh up my feelings and I think living here is a big problem.  I have to put a lot of energy into coping with living here, far more than is healthy, and a lot of the time I just hide away in my house because I can't face bumping into certain people.  I know I've said this before but there are bad memories on every corner and the endless gossip and tittle tattle means that my mum always finds out what we're doing, and people take great delight sometimes in telling me they've seen my mum and all the horrible things she's said about me.  So I have decided not to postpone our move - it will mean things are a big higgledy piggeldy for a while because the medical people will have to transfer my son's case to a different hospital (this never seems to go smoothly, for some reason), or we'll have to travel a lot to get up to the old one but I have decided I'd rather cope with some fresh 'challenges' than keep having to cope with living here and having to do ridiculous things like go to the supermarket late in the evening so that I don't bump into people I don't want to see.  So the move is back in the here and now, I'm going to really focus on that, try not to think too much about people, stick to my original plan of not telling a soul where we're going or when and after we've moved and the dust has settled I'll see how I feel; if there are people I want to get in touch with, I will, if I'm finding life lovely without them then so be it.

Feeling much better about the situation now, thank you all so much for your help, as always.  Will keep you posted with how things are going xx

sKePTiKal:
One more thing I've learned, that might help.

WE are allowed to not like people - even when they've done nothing we can tally up on that balance sheet to us - but because that idea is uncomfortabe (that we also have that power)... there's usually some contortion of ourselves in the thought process to find some graceful way out. There isn't. It has to be what it is. Then, there doesn't have to be avoidance later on. Hang to to mutual respect for being different; on different paths... and part company.

There's this silly idea current today, that some utopian society exists where we're all well-intentioned, working on ourselves, and have the right values... that we'll all be friends and friendly with everyone. Sounds like a myth to me; or a book for toddlers. Sounds like people pushing the idea that all relationships are meant to be parent-child, and we just take turns. The best relationships rise to a more grown-up level (and yes, I'm still figuring that one out... probably always will be).

lighter:
Hey Tupp:

Maybe this a reminder of times you've outgrown?

Maybe the relationship reminds you of things you're ready to leave behind?  You used to be in love with the guy, but you've grown so much.  You aren't that same young girl anymore.

He's helped you through some terrible times you deserve to finally feel free of.  It's not necessarily him, kwim?  It can just be leaving behind old traumas, and moving into a new space where you truly get to start over.  Where no one knows your history... unless you tell them.

It doesn't even have to make specific sense?  Just that it feels heavy.... like something you need to put down..... is enough.

Validate yourself.  Trust yourself.

I think making a clean break sounds refreshing, and open, and hopeful.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
Thank you all, you have given me a lot more to think about and I am trying to break things down a bit in my mind.

I've been focusing on my 'good' friendships.  I am very lucky to have three very, very good friends who I'm in regular contact with (for me it doesn't have to be frequent, or face to face, but enough that I know what's going on in their life and they know what's going on in mine).  They are people who get me, we have some similar interests and some different ones, broadly speaking our political/social views are similar, they have supported me through tough times (and I them) and equally had some wild and crazy times with.  They're the people I enjoy being with wherever we are or whatever we're doing, it doesn't matter if we're sitting in the car with a flask of coffee or having a grand day out, I just love being with them.  Any one of them could phone me at 3 in the morning and say "I'm 200 miles away, could you come and get me?" and I'd go.

Then I've got three other friends who I like and get on with but don't feel as close to for various reasons; I enjoy their company and like to see them but I wouldn't move heaven and earth to do it and if they wanted a 3am pick up I would be asking what the situation was - doesn't mean I wouldn't do it if they were in a bind but I'd want to know what was going on first.

Then I've a smattering of people who I like and see from time to time but I would probably consider them acquaintances rather than friends, if that makes sense?

And then I have this big group of people from my past, people who I know and have been good friends with at other times in my life but in all honesty I feel that the good friendship has been mostly on my part - not to say none of them have ever done me a favour but I do feel that in the last ten years (which has been the difficult period with my son's situation) none of them has particularly stood out as even making much effort to keep in contact, let alone doing anything else.  One part of me - gut reaction, I suppose - is just thinking jettison the lot, and I do think that deep down that's what I want to do.  But at the same time it feels very wrong and I suppose that's where I'm stuck, sometimes feeling something is wrong is a warning that I'm going to hurt myself (by losing friendships), sometimes thinking something's wrong is old programming that I want to be rid of.  And I'm starting to wonder if that's why I keep doing a sort of balance sheet, to try and make a logical decision because I'm not sure I can trust my instincts at the moment?  Ie, I called her four times, she only called me once, I can cross her off the list, he did me a favour once but I've done him two so I don't owe him anymore, that sort of thing?  I'm not sure, will keep pondering, sometimes I find once I've realised I don't really know the answer does sort of appear then so maybe it will get clearer.  I am certain that I'm not telling anyone where I'm moving, or telling anyone we're going until the day we go, plus I'll be changing my mobile number on the day as well, and with that in my head I'm not even sure why I'm worrying about it all now, it just seems to be making me feel bad for some reason.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page