Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Dear Friends, I'd just like your input on how I'm feeling.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: teartracks on March 15, 2016, 12:39:07 PM ---
Twoapenny,
That third group - sounds like your association with them has been one of serially jettisoning them or vice versa. Why not let them do this final jettison. Let them drift away on their own. I understand that you are sorting and assessing your friendships now for quality and I think that is necessary from time to time in a lifetime. It sounds like your dilemma with them at the moment is more or less just acknowledging that, "Yes, I want these associations to end, I will allow them to end themselves. This requires nothing of me except to acknowledge that this is the end. They will do the rest simply by exercising their old behavior which is pretty much to do nothing, right?" Try saying that to yourself, that way you've put a formal ending to it in your mind and heart. It's a done deal. No looking back.
--- End quote ---
TT, you are absolutely right, and do you know what I realised today, when I was a kid I was desperate to be part of 'the crowd' but I never quite made it, there's this big group of people here (where I live now is where I grew up as a kid which is why I know so many people around here) and they kind of let me join in but I wasn't anyone's best friend and I never really fitted in. And I was thinking today that that's the way I feel now, like I'm still not part of the crowd, I'm still not included, I'm still only allowed to join in on their terms. And I thought, that was thirty bleeping years ago, can this really still be bothering me? But I think it was, I think somewhere in there teenage Tup was still waiting to be allowed to join the party. So I think it is very much time for middle aged Tup to create her own party and invite her own guests :) Had a real burst of energy today, stripped the sitting room ready to decorate, all but two small files of the paperwork mountain are sorted and I've got a van load of stuff to drop off at the charity shop tomorrow. I felt excitement flutter in my belly today and it's been a long time since that happened :)
Hopalong:
OH that's wonderful, Tupp.
I'm too weary (just adapting to the new FT job) to say much except that I get it.
And what's even more exciting is to read again and again how YOU get it.
I'm delighted for you...your self-liberation.
It's joyful to read about.
hugs,
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on March 15, 2016, 08:29:51 PM ---OH that's wonderful, Tupp.
I'm too weary (just adapting to the new FT job) to say much except that I get it.
And what's even more exciting is to read again and again how YOU get it.
I'm delighted for you...your self-liberation.
It's joyful to read about.
hugs,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Oh wow Hops have you started the new job? How is it? I'm hoping fabulous :)
I am starting to get things, although once I get them they seem so obvious I wonder how I didn't see them before. But I suppose those barriers and defence mechanisms are there for a reason and it's only when they come down that you can start to see more clearly. I'm hoping once things have settled you can tell us all about the new job :) xx
lighter:
Tupp:
I'm wondering what a Tupp party, with new guests, will look like.
What do you see for yourself in a year? Two years?
I think sometimes that I'd like to have a small group of friends who take turns cooking together, and enjoying fellowship, food, normal regular interaction.
::nodding::
But then it feels daunting. I'm introverted. It takes a lot of energy. As I look back my life usually was about me popping into other people's lives.... and being able to pop out when it suited. Sure, there would be things at my house, usually large holiday gatherings, help with large yard projects, but I'm basically a solitary creature, bc it suits me.
I have to remember that, esp when I feel like I should be doing more socially.
So, as I picture what I want, I remember the reality of having a busy social life..... I remember that balance, and alone time need to be budgeted as a priority. That doing doing doing isn't the solution. Making very wise choices, and limiting interaction is just as important as cultivating the right relationships. That what we say NO to is as important as what we say YES to, IME. Saying NO is necessary or we have no room for saying YES to better things. Knowing that we're making choices, should be making choices, and not feeling guilty or bad about it is important, IMO.
I've just lost 3 of my best friends in the past 2 years. I feel that emptiness, but I'm very careful about what I replace it with. I have requests for adult playdates, and I notice I'm not accepting many. That makes it easier to breath when the SHOULD monster starts hammering me. SInce my youngest dd13 asked me if I'm lonely the other night... .since she asked if I have any friends, knowing I sort of don't right now.... I lost my 3 best friends in the last 2 years for Pete's sake..... the urge to panic, and feel lacking/less than/like I should should should... it came up very powerfully for me, but I calmed very quickly, and reminded us both that I could have more social interaction. There's nothing to be gained by letting negative fear demons take me places I don't need to go, bc I don't have to DO anything. I SHOULD take this time and just breath in the open space, and not look at the space as empty or negative..... something that has to be filled filled filled, bc it doesn't mean I'm unworthy/outcast/left out/lacking.
It's space that's ready to be filled, and I get to choose who I'll invite in. That's a better way of seeing the emptiness... ::nodding::.
Hmmmm... emptiness. Is that the wrong word? It's maybe just space, and it's clear space I need to see as obligation free? It really is a shift in the way we interpret the space, right?
I remember having a garden I worked in happily on my own.... a pretty large one. I remember happily planting things, and not feeling I should be doing anything else with that time. I think it's part of my solution. Getting to a place that feels right..... obligation free. It's surprisingly difficult.... not sure why. I like to remind myself I had that once, and I can have that again. GUILT sucks.
I think you're in the same boat, maybe?
Wow, what a ramble. Sorry.
So.... Who will Tupp invite, and what will her parties look like?
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Hi Lighter,
I found myself nodding all the way through your post, I can understand so clearly where you are coming from. And I'm so sorry you lost three close friends in that way, I hadn't realised you'd been through that on top of that awful court case. I am not the slightest bit suprised that you feel the need for some quiet time. I think those sort of extreme emotional situations often call for plenty off outdoor, getting on with it type stuff. We know when it's time to start interacting with the world again.
For me, I think it's quality rather than quantity. I've found as I'm getting older I'm quite content to potter about at home over the weekends, the thought of heading out and battling through crowds of people does nothing for me. I've also found that I like life better if I'm well organised; if the laundry's done, the house is tidy, the bills are paid and the meals are in the fridge ready to cook. So I don't feel the need to be out and about a lot and I don't feel I want lots and lots of people in my life. What I do want are some really good, loving connections, with people I find interesting, inspiring, loving, warm hearted, funny. I get on best with very strong women, I find, ones who've been through tough times and come out of it more compassionate and understanding, rather than people who've been through something tough and now feel everyone else should suffer as much as they did. I'd rather have an hour with a really good friend than back to back coffees with people who are just filling time.
I've been thinking a lot about my hopes and dreams I used to have as a kid, when I used to sit in my room with my books and imagine my life in the future. I used to love drama and music; I was good at both and wanted to take that further. I always had dreams to write as well. And then life got in the way and it all became about paying the rent and tackling my drink problem and then looking after my boy and then dealing with my mum and my dreams all just vanished and I kind of forgot about them.
We've got our little van now and what I'd like to do is start doing story telling workshops at festivals. I'd love to try some performance poetry, have a go at writing ghost stories, start making costumes and learning about stage make up. My son loves stories so I'm hoping to involve him in this. I'd like to get back into music. When I was younger I played guitar, piano, clarinet and saxophone. I won a scholarship to study music at school; I scored the highest result ever in the entrance exam and my mum never batted an eyelid about it. And I never really carried it all on, I carried on playing sax for a few years after leaving school but I just didn't mix in the sort of circles where people where musical and creative, I was mostly mixing with drunks and drug addicts and so I lost it all. But I'd like to try and get back into it a bit now, even just to strum a bit on the guitar and make up some silly songs to play for kids. And then I'd love to travel, as far and wide as possible with my boy, and write about our adventures - middle aged crazy lady and learning disabled lad trekking the world in a campervan. I just feel that I'd at least like to give it a try and see how much I can do. I feel like for all of that I need to be around go getter people, people who'll encourage rather than the ones who'll think of all the negatives and have a long list of what might go wrong. So I'm hoping the move will be a step towards that. I just want some meaningful connections from time to time; if one more person says "Have you got a boyfriend yet?" I think I'll slap them :)
I think here's to solitude, finding ourselves, being happy spending time alone but being lucky enough to know a few similar people who we can enjoy sharing time with but who also like their solitude, perhaps, so understand when it's time to say goodnight? Mmmm. Dreaming of good things for all of us :) x
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