Dear Hops
It is extremely hard and painful to be the mother of a personality disordered child. This is life sentence. Hard words but it IS hard. Where there is hate, you continue to feel love. Whether it is good for your daughter or not, it is good for you. And like your Caesarian scar itching when she is in trouble, I am sure that if you are feeling this and feeling her, it goes both ways.
My sister is bi polar and she hated my mom and never let down her guard or her aggressive judgements. When I look back on this, I don't know how my mom stood it. Manic rage is god aweful and devastating. Even if one knows it is the illness speaking. My mom was a hostage of her love for my sister.She would keep giving love and showing up to look after my sister's son when my sister had an episode and the police came. Although imperfect and human, mom did not deserve the contempt and rejection heaped on her. It was pretty steady diet of hate and shaming. I know my mom thought that some part of it was "true" so it went on and one until she died. After mom died it still continued.
My mom is gone now and I would like to say to her that I understand how much she suffered and how shamed and inadequate she felt in not being able to change my sister or help her so she could get through that nourishment barrier in my sister's heart. I would say to Mom ...... Let go or you will drown in this. She will take you down. You don't EVER deserve to be treated with such contempt. Please don't give such a sick person that much power to hurt you, you deserve to be .... respected and to feel peaceful.
I have reached a point of detachment with my sister. I just realized I needed to say those things to myself. I am here is she wants to treat me with respect. Just a little respect and I am not a human punching bag for her to vent her manic rage and contempt. The list of my failings is long and well developed after being under the manic microscope of distortion.
You deserve to be loved and anything else is a lie.
Lots of love
Sea storm
