Oh Hi!!
I'm okay. Still on this crazy planet. Just sort of in a go-to-work come home vegetate and sleep and repeat trance.
Not much learning or new thinking happening. If it were an unpaved road I would have worn a semi permanent path on the ground like one of those deer trails.
For the most part I am so distant from any family that I almost can't complain about them any longer. The only thing is that my nephews are visiting and I would like to spend some time with them but my mother refuses to even speak about particular dates or anything and it's hard for me to get time off of work even two months in advance. She did this last year. She is a bitch. No surprise. Nuthin new!
Sort of think I shouldn't care they are not my kids and I hardly see them. Though I am technically the only aunt they have.
Still at my same job. Sort of wish I was a little closer to nature in some way, would like to sit outside quiet and read a book. I feel like I can never get away from people yet I am totally lonely and alone.
Been in a long stint of not writing much, it started really when I didn't want to write about certain personal things here and then it just caused a stoppage.
My life is really boring. Only interesting thing all day was watching an unusually slow and chubby hummingbird go nuts with some pansies, was about 10 inches away from me, almost flew into my jacket. Maybe a juvenile idk
I'm a little different than when I first started posting here. I've really stopped trying to figure myself out or to cure myself. I've developed a habit of just surviving increments of a day and being really glad for the most mundane boring things which looks like nothing i guess. Become more quiet, slowly. Maybe I have given up, or maybe this is a normal part of aging. And I'm more flabby. Definitely older and experiencing a lack of self care I guess. I think about my mortality more often. Like how much longer am I going to live and what will I be able to accomplish in that amount of time. I no longer have a sense that I have eons to heal some kind of generational wounding. I mean I think the fact of the matter is ferked up people can't fix themselves by themselves, they probably just need to be around other people who are not ferked up in an antagonizing way. But I don't even want to think about it. I don't want to think about the ways that I am messed up. I definitely don't want to think about self improvement. I just want to be let alone to just flush the toilet, blink my eyes, drink coffee, read some news. IDK. I don't want to be preached to by those who are striving for anything. Especially striving towards monetary everything. I mean it's important to everybody, to me. I'm just tired of it, the lifestyle of being a city person. Anywhos just rambling out loud.
I mean I can see my life and I know I am achieving nothing. Sometimes it scares me. Sometimes I wish people wouldn't judge me. I do feel it's too late for it to matter. Too late to begin. I've kind of accepted that or made peace with it but it's like socially unacceptable and I don't have the stamina to be like other people, keep up with everything. At least that is how I feel. I'm tired. I'm tired of people. It's how I feel.
Instead of wasting time trying to coordinate any sort of thing with my mother to do "Family" stuff.. I kinda think I should just go somewhere by myself one of those nature lodges or whatever, googled it and up comes Borneo, that is not what I mean. Just easy nearby closest nature I can find.
