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Tips for Boosting Self Esteem

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Twoapenny:
I have realised over the last few weeks that my self esteem is non existent.  I have spent so much time dealing with all my problems, worrying about relationships and looking after my boy that I've just sort of disappeared inside myself.  I feel very conscious of getting in other people's way, putting people out, people having to 'put up with me' and generally just feeling apologetic for breathing.  Which is obviously not the way I should feel!  So I wondered what sort of things you have all done to improve your self esteem over the years?

lighter:
You should look up tapping EFT and the self acceptance mantras that goes along with it.

You can do it in the car, in the tub, sitting at the table over dinner, or anytime.

Studies have shown it's effectiveness with returning vets in the US service for PTSD, and stress management.

Mantras can be anything you like...
"I accept myself fully and wholly just as I am, I accept my self without restraint, and am enough.  I choose to be happy, and have more than enough energy, I embrace my inner child, etc."

You can choose any message you need to hear, and speak the words out loud as you tap.

Also, the saying "don't postpone joy" is a wonderful thing.  Just DOING things you normally would put off, like potting a plant, or drawing, or journaling, or taking a bath and sluffing, doing toes beats the heck out of procrastination, Tupp.

How's your son doing?

Lighter

Hopalong:
Two things come to mind, (((((((Tupp))))))))).

The most powerful personal experience was that unexpectedly transformational visualization I had on a sunny afternoon many years ago, that I've described here several times...when I intentionally tried to seek and connect to the sad little girl inside me. It was like self-hypnosis, in a way. But when I met her and saw her sorrow, and spoke directly to her, telling her that I was so sorry I hadn't been able to protect her or comfort her then, but that I love her and will never leave her alone again, and she put her arms around my neck... It was real. And one of the most self-healing moments of my life.

This never occurred to me before, but it was literally forgiving myself for not loving myself. Her acceptance and her trusting hug...was me, telling me, I love and forgive you. That was the core of it. Whatever the external forces had been that had hurt me, I now was whole. It took my inner child to show me the trust and tenderness I'd denied myself.

The most powerful community belonging experience, which has healed me in a different way, was when I embraced the first principle of Unitarian Universalism. It's just the Golden Rule, which is expressed in different ways at the heart of all deep faiths: The inherent worth and dignity of every person.

One day, it hit me that that includes me. It has to. Or it's not real.

When I pause and ponder that I have inherent worth and dignity, as I am and no matter what...that helps me turn back into the light. And away from the critical or cruel voices inside that are old tapes, from old experiences, that I don't have to listen to any more.

I do forget. I do struggle as you do... But the memory of that afternoon, and pondering that first principle, can ease me again.

(I'm not fond of the term self esteem, because I think people confuse it with superficial things sometimes. But I understand the yearning and need it represents.)

Love and comfort,
Hops

Twoapenny:
Thank you, Hops and Lighter, I started writing a reply yesterday but my internet connection dropped and all was lost!

I will read up on/try out the things you've suggested.  Funnily enough I dug out a book yesterday that I read years ago and didn't get much from, it talks quite a bit about inner child work, visualisation, EFT, affirmations and so on.  Skimming through it yesterday a lot of it makes more sense now so I think perhaps I just wasn't ready however many years back that I bought it.

I think partly I have trapped myself in victim mode as well; GS mentions resentment causing self sabotage in her thread and I found that really resonated with me.  I think it might be partly to do with my family never acknowledging or validating what happened in the past but I can see now that I am just going to have to acknowledge and validate it myself and not keep waiting for someone else to do it for me.

A couple of people have got in touch over the last couple of days, my sister and another friend who I fell out with over my son's birthday.  I did find myself torn; I felt sort of obliged to respond and make things right (my thinking being well they have got in touch, they are trying).  But then another part of me thought, well, I don't really want to be around them anymore, even if they changed the way they do things I still don't really want to see them.  And that made me realise that I do need to make choices about who I see and how I spend my time, not just go along with people because they've decided they want to.

The weekend is here so I am planning to try and have a fairly quiet, restful one at home, to eat well, try and relax, do some gardening and just try and get over this bump I am in - I think it is the bump of realisation!  Yesterday was nice, I saw the doctor who has been lovely and very supportive and understanding, and someone came to do some work on the house and he was very sweet and kind.  I am trying to focus on these good people; I spend too much time ruminating over bad things!

Lighter, postponing joy is very apt; I have a whole life in my mind that I am planning to do at some point in the future - I need to get on with it now.  I think it comes back to perhaps punishing myself, I don't know?  But there are things I really want to do and I never seem to have time, I need to work on that and try and change things.  My boy is doing better now, thank you :)  We've seen a very good nutritionist and a big box of goodies arrived yesterday so I'm hoping this will help but he seems to be over the most recent hump as well.  I do wonder how much we rub off on each other, for good or otherwise so I am trying to get him out of his comfort zone a bit, too.

Have a nice weekend everybody, I hope better times are coming for all of us xx

Twoapenny:
I replied to my sister and I have been as honest as I can in as friendly and polite way as I can.  I have said how upset and disappointed I have been at the lack of effort she makes to spend time with my son and have told her how hard I find it to have so many people living so near to us that make so little effort to see either of us.  I've said that's the reason I've stopped calling and visiting and have pointed out that it isn't fair for me to do all the visiting and to drag my son around other people's houses despite the fact he's ill and most of the time is much better off being at home.  I've said I'm putting my efforts into making new friends now who will make more effort with my son and accept that he is disabled and he can't just be carted about like a handbag for other people's convenience (I've phrased that last bit much more politely but that's basically how I feel).

It was funny but as soon as I'd sent it I really wanted to eat loads of junk food.  I know I comfort eat but that was the first time I really directly linked it to how I feel, and noticed my feelings are very strong - dangerous, even - when I'm NOT DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT ME TO.  I know my sister wants me to just tell her everything's okay and give her permission to carry on as she always does but I'm not doing that anymore.  I realised yesterday that I want people in my life who are kind and thoughtful, and respectful of others and willing to do something that suits the other person sometimes.  They don't have to be perfect but my boy and I both deserve a much better, richer, kinder life than the one we live at the moment and I can see now it really is up to me to change that.  I don't really think I've realised that before, I think I've always felt like I needed something external to change so that I somehow just drew nicer experiences and people to me.  But now I can see that I need to be more honest about how I feel and go out looking for these new things and people.

I didn't eat junk food, I made myself a bit tofu and vegetable stir fry instead.  I do feel very tired now, emotional I think, but I've done some work in the garden, my boy did a lot yesterday so a quiet day today is fine, I'm going to concentrate on resting and trying to keep myself off the sugar.  I really need to change the way I do things.

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