Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on September 27, 2016, 02:20:54 PM ---Tupp:
Maybe it will help if you write letters to the people you have anger towards. Of course you won't need to send them to internalize how you actually feel and make peace with.
((((Tupp))))
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Hi Lighter :)
I'm trying to put my feelings into poems and short stories at the minute, as well as trying to write lovely short stories with a view to trying some story telling and/or performance poetry in the future. One of the things I was talking about with my T (who is on hold for the time being as there is too much else going on) was about writing and putting how I feel down on paper and she said "Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could help girls who've been sexually abused through creative writing and performance?" And the idea has just really stuck with me; wouldn't it be amazing to find a way for your horrible experiences to help someone else whilst giving you a chance to work through them as well? So I've loosely got something like that in the back of my mind (although to be honest if anyone reads some of the stuff about my step-dad I might get arrested, lol).
I am still trying to be selfish! I am finding it helpful and difficult in equal measure. I am definitely coping better at home. The house is tidier, things are getting done, I'm making small dents in big projects and generally feeling more on top of things and in control because I'm not running around aimlessly. I am trying to find 'something' to do each day that is more community based and just to generally be a bit more sociable via cafes and coffee shops so that I don't have to rely on individuals for conversation. I have noticed that whenever I start chatting to someone when we're out and I conscious that they might find me boring or annoying and that sort of interrupts my head so I'm trying to work on that a bit.
I am trying to meditate every day and to do a bit of exercise and that seems to be going okay. There's a UK based forum that I've been using for alternative type people and I'm finding that interesting and seeing some different perspectives.
Healthwise things aren't great and my son's under two different hospitals, neither of which are doing anything useful at the moment. It's frustrating and is raising old memories so I'm trying to just tap away at that as well. He's okay in himself so that's the main thing.
I am feeling distance between myself and a couple of friends and I'm trying not to think about it too much and just let it be what it is. I'm trying to focus on me, what I want, what's best for my son and appreciate nice things when they happen. I am finding it quite hard work! Lol, but getting there slowly :)
lighter:
The next step in healing is teaching.
I love the idea of your writing stories that help others.
Tupp...
amazing mom, and wounded healer.
::nod::
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Thank you Lighter :)
I am still struggling and still finding myself very up and down with the situation.
I had to make a formal (and very long complaint) and ask for a different doctor. There have been various problems along the way, culminating with the doctor, yet again, blaming me for his delays in doing the things he said he would do. Too much to post about in detail (and I'm in that bluergh, I can't be bothered to go through it all again mode) but suffice to say I don't have confidence in him and don't feel I'll be able to work with him long term with regards to my son as he isn't truthful about situations and blaming me for his mistakes (and this was in a letter to another doctor as well, it reminded me of something I've read about, triangulation, is it called? When you get other people on your side in a situation? I feel like they're circling the wagons again). I am aware that I'm very sensitive about this sort of thing because of what's happened before but for that reason I don't react immediately, I do have a friend who works for the health service and who also has two disabled children so I talk things through with her. That way I get the professional and the personal view and as she understands how the system works from the inside she is very good at advising me on the best way to move forward. So I don't think I'm being rash and hysterical; the situation's been going on for twelve weeks now and I have tried a number of times to resolve the situation informally. Anyway, it is stressing me out and worrying me but it is what it is and hopefully things will move forward now.
I am trying to concentrate more on how I feel rather than what I think and trying to take time out during the day and evening to just sit and not do much. I am completely exhausted all of the time and things have just been difficult for too long. I'm aware I've been eating too much rubbish so have been trying again to make healthy eating a priority and I'm trying to get out more. We were going to go to a group thing today but I have decided to postpone till next week as I really feel resting today is more important than socialising.
I am still trying to keep my boundaries in place with people. I had a nice day with a friend earlier in the week over at her house and we're getting together with the kids over the half term holiday. My sister texted me yesterday to tell me that she'd heard our brother had got married.
My sister and I barely speak any more as we fell out over her not making any effort with my son, amongst other things (I think I've moaned about it on here before,lol). We're not at loggerheads but I wasn't willing to keep doing all the running and since I stopped she's not done anything so we just don't talk anymore. She hasn't spoken to our brother for years and wants nothing to do with him; I do Christmas and birthdays with him and pop round the odd time if I'm in the area but other than that we're not in contact.
I took some time to think about how to respond and my feeling was that she's just getting in touch to gossip or because she thinks I'll know more and she wants me to tell her. I am not interested in the family gossip; my life is always better when I have no knowledge of my family, lol. She makes no effort to keep in touch in any other way, nor does she ask after my boy. So I just texted back that I didn't know anything about it, to which she said she'd find out more and let me know, and my reply to that was please don't, I don't want to know.
I feel I have spent the last ten years trying to get people to see things my way and it is time for me to accept that we all see the world differently and that I have to go and look for people on my wavelength rather than trying to get the people I already know to change to accommodate me. Now that I've written that down it seems blindingly obvious but for some reason it has always eluded me and I have felt desperate for years for people that I care about to change so that I can be part of their life without having to go back to my self-destructive habits. It is time to move on and I can see that now, although I still feel my heart pinging when I think about it.
On a completely different topic (and just because I thought this was so sweet) we were in town yesterday and there was a lady sitting outside a coffee shop with a pony. She had a coffee and the pony had an apple. She is a petting pony, so they take her around to schools and hospitals and homes for older people, that sort of thing. She was just adorable and was quite happy standing in a busy street with all manner of people coming up and making a fuss of her. The lady was really lovely and friendly, we had a long chat and she said they do a lot of work with disabled children so she was very good with my boy and easy to talk to. These are the sort of people I would like to spend time with. This lady lives a very long way away so not very practical in terms of making new friends but it did feel like a bit of a sign that I need to get out there a bit more and keep my eyes open for good people to get to know :)
lighter:
(((Tupp)))
I'm making breakfast for dd, but wanted to say that I'm glad you have a friend in health services to guide and keep you level. Things just go out of focus when our children's wellbeing is threatened... nice to have help getting back to center, IME.
I'm so sorry things have to be difficult. Remember to document everything, as you likely do out of habit. Sometimes good people do bad things without meaning to, and sometimes bad people are in positions of trust and authority by design. Try not to step on his ego as you go....he may be the type to win at all costs if he's the latter, and it would be better if he could just release you and your son to another doctor without feeling the need to destroy you, KWIM? Verbal jujitsu.... it's a powerful tool to SAY something non threatening and still get the result you want.
Also, it would be good if you could keep in touch with the pony and her lady. Wouldn't it be nice to know when they'll be in town so you can share a cup of tea and apple?
(((((Tupp and son))))))
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Hiya Lighter, yes, you're absolutely right on all accounts. I do have pony lady's email details so can keep in touch, also realised she's not actually too far from someone else I know in that part of the country, small world and all that!
Everything documented, always do, have learnt that from experience. Have requested different doctor, complaints department have got back to me and won't finish their 'investigation' until almost the end of November. The complaint was really to get information I need now and to get paperwork corrected so end of next month is of no practical use. Am going to leave it over the weekend but I think next week I'll just correct the letter myself and send it in and call the unit he has been transferred to now to see if they can answer the questions I have. I just need to know more so that I can make this as easy as possible for him to deal with, he's been through so much this year and we're both completely frazzled. So basically it looks like I'll be investigating my own complaint, lol, we might have to see that doc once more if they don't sort this out before the end of next month so I'll just have to suck that up. Longer term we won't be under this hospital anyway as we will move out of the area (one day!) so we'll just have to muddle though as best we can until he at least gets put on some medication to control the seizures.
Did your legal case all get settled or are you still waiting for more info to come back? How are Halloween preparations going?
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