Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on June 27, 2016, 08:02:20 AM ---Tupps, this can be a twisted up problem. Another form of "pretzeling".
For me (since it's so fresh in my mind from reminding myself) - my self-worth was based on how available I was to my mom, for her to continually drain me, and insist that her warped perception of me was reality. My perception of my strength was based on how much of that I could "take".
When I broke free of that household, I then spent my time "doing" for those I cared about. Replacing that relationship, in other words. "Empty nest syndrome" was a tough one for me... but it also HELPED a great deal, too... when I could face that reality head-on. Then there was Mike and caring for his Mom... both gone. A life-time of people pleasing... and in my case, seeking any form of validation (no matter how twisted) that I mattered to someone ELSE. For the things that mattered to ME, about ME.
IMO, self worth comes from an honest assessment of "who you are" - in what ways do YOU matter to YOU? Which parts do you defend against unfair criticism? What kinds of things invoke the feeling of "all is right with your world"? What won't you part with under any circumstances (as in, one of your own traits)? What weaknesses would you identify as being "okay to tolerate", or "must do something about"? Do we always HAVE to do something about who/what we are -- to be "good enough" to be connected to others?
OR... maybe we just need to accept that those "bugs" in our psyches are really "features"... and even though it's a most improbable combination... it's what makes uniquely "us".
Imagine you are someone else. And responsible for taking care of Tupps in the best, wisest way possible. What does that consist of? What do you need to encourage yourself to do? Why, in your judgement? When Hops mentions having compassion for yourself... do you know what constitutes compassion, for what, and why? (Yes, I'm still being analytical here and not terribly emotional. Sometimes we have to persuade our brains - with it's own tactics - to step aside and get out of the way of needs to happen.)
I'm trying to make sure I understand that word, myself.
--- End quote ---
Skep, thank you, there's a lot in there for me to think about and ponder, I will read and re-read and give it all some thought. The people pleasing aspect, yes, definitely, and I think that's where I'm struggling at the moment. I've broken/given up the bad habits to a large extent but now there's just a vacuum that no-one else seems to want to step into with me so I feel very alone and I'm struggling to figure out how to bridge that gap. I annoy myself at the moment so I find it hard to imagine other people wanting to be around me (although some do).
I think I'm struggling with the compassion element at the moment as well. I can look at my life and list umpteen situations that I've overcome, from abuse to drink and drug problems to homelessness and lack of cash to a whole manner of difficulties relating to my son. And I can see that's good and that I've done well but it doesn't seem to make me feel I'm worth anything to myself. I feel like I'm just a tough cookie that's coped with a lot and I don't feel like I've achieved anything for myself; it feels more like I've just been good at dealing with situations that other people have created?
There's a lot in what you've written for me to ponder. Thank you :) xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on June 27, 2016, 01:01:44 PM ---Theoretically some people really are happier when they make other people happy like personality trait for some. There was an article I read about personalities, I wish I could remember what it was. It basically said that for some personalities it's more important to get along with others than it is to be right. Also conversely it's more important to some personalities to get their own way or to prove their own point or something like that.
--- End quote ---
G, that makes a lot of sense to me. I do genuinely enjoy helping people out and I do feel good if I reach out to someone who needs it. I can't pass a homeless person on the street without stopping to say hello, just because I know how it feels to go days at a time without any human contact and I know what a difference it can make when someone takes five minutes out of their day to make you feel alive. It does make me feel good and I hope it does a little something for that person as well. But I think i've taken it waaaaaay to far in the past and that's where the boundary issue has cropped up. Equally I would rather get along with someone instead of hammering my point home (unless it's over something really important but if it's just chit chat somewhere then I wouldn't want to be the person that spoils the gathering for the sake of scoring a point). I suppose it's a question of satisfying your personality without losing sight of yourself completely in the meantime?
How are you getting on now? xx
Meh:
Yeah, there is some line for you somewhere that needs to be drawn. You get something out of "it", just not making yourself a doormat or whatever the case has been. You are trying to learn how to relate to people differently. Taking a different role.
I'm okay. Eating cold cantaloupe on a hot day. Seems like all I really do is eat these days. I peruse online dating profiles but I never meet any of them.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on June 28, 2016, 12:37:57 AM ---Yeah, there is some line for you somewhere that needs to be drawn. You get something out of "it", just not making yourself a doormat or whatever the case has been. You are trying to learn how to relate to people differently. Taking a different role.
I'm okay. Eating cold cantaloupe on a hot day. Seems like all I really do is eat these days. I peruse online dating profiles but I never meet any of them.
--- End quote ---
Eating cantaloupe sounds nice, G :) The sun is out here today, for the first time for weeks, there's a thunder of lawnmowers going as everyone rushes out to cut their grass :)
Yes, the lines are tricky, aren't they? I like helping people but don't want to be a doormat and equally I know a lot of people who want emotional help rather than practical - ie, they want someone to dump on, whereas I think I'd probably get more out of something if I was helping the homeless or visiting someone who doesn't have family, something like that.
I've been thinking more about how I spend my time and I still find most of my day is filled with things I don't particularly want to do, which in turn means I procrastinate a lot and feel bored and unfulfilled, which in turn again leads to comfort eating and moaning a lot :) I need to think about that a bit more, I think, and see what I can do to change that.
sKePTiKal:
There's a lot to ponder in your reply too, Tupps.
I surely haven't mastered this - and maybe it's one of those things that people never do "master". You practice it, as you know how... and you have good days, and not so good days at your practice.
I do know validation - from the simple "I see you" to praise and someone being proud of your efforts, to recognizing how/why you feel a certain way - is kind of the fertilizer that helps grow healthy self-esteem.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version