Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sKePTiKal on June 28, 2016, 08:20:13 AM ---There's a lot to ponder in your reply too, Tupps.
I surely haven't mastered this - and maybe it's one of those things that people never do "master". You practice it, as you know how... and you have good days, and not so good days at your practice.
I do know validation - from the simple "I see you" to praise and someone being proud of your efforts, to recognizing how/why you feel a certain way - is kind of the fertilizer that helps grow healthy self-esteem.
--- End quote ---
You're right, Skep, I do think that some of what I'm experiencing is to do with the menopause! I do find I'm having some very black days in the fortnight before my period and the mood seems to lift as quickly as it came on; I don't have any problem with mood swings in the other two weeks of the month so I think it might be hormonal (and am trying to tackle it through diet and supplements). I stopped drinking tea and coffee again and after I'd got past feeling terrible for a couple of weeks that seems to have helped.
I do think just 'ageing' is playing on my mind - I'm aware my body isn't as strong as it used to be and my capacity to do 'things' is lessening and I think I'm just aware that I haven't done a lot of things that I wanted to do yet. Doesn't mean I won't ever do them but it is making me feel a bit dissatisfied, I think.
I think the lack of validation or being seen or heard is difficult for me. I do notice a big change in how I feel if I've spent the day with a friend compared to spending several days on my own. I think that will change over time; I do still overly focus on people who don't bother rather then people who do which I think is an old 'people pleaser' mindset that I just need to work on more. Plus the dating has raised some 'step-dad' issues but I am hopefully seeing the new T next week for the first time, plus my son will be seeing his neurologist so hopefully that will sort out some of his health issues that I've been worrying about.
I'm pondering, adjusting, trying to be real and trying not to be 'good'. We went shopping this afternoon, just a quick trip to get a few things we needed but it was nice to be in the sun and chatting to a few random strangers (I do find shop assistants often go out of their way to talk to my son which is lovely) but it was nice to just feel a bit free for a little while :) x
Meh:
:)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Garbanzo on June 28, 2016, 03:38:11 PM --- :)
--- End quote ---
Thank you, G :) x
I watched a short piece on YouTube this morning about boredom, which seems to be an endlessly common them throughout my life. The only time I wasn't constantly bored was when I was at Uni. I think the chap is some sort of yogi master - flowing robes and long beard, but he described boredom as being a sign that you're not on the right path, you're not fulfilling yourself or your potential. He talked about life being a constantly evolving process and about how human beings are designed to constantly change and grow and if we don't we become stuck, bored and dissatisfied. He talked about how we need to keep learning and pushing into new things.
It rang a bell with me and I've been thinking as the morning has gone on that I still really struggle with my feelings. I don't mean in the sense of emotions so much (although I struggle with that too) but in terms of what actually makes me feel good. It occured to me that I've spent so much of my life creating personalities to inhabit that I still don't really know what makes me feel good. I have images in my head of what I think will make me feel good and I endlessly write lists of things I ought to do in order to make me feel good. Then I blame not feeling good on either the list being wrong, or someone doing something that made everything go wrong, or not doing enough of the things on the list.
When I look back over my life I can see silent child, never speaking, never interacting. Then I can see primary school Tup, shy, quiet, bookish and even then reaching out to the kids that no-one liked and spending play times with two girls that were bullied a lot (one was from a traveller family and very overweight, the other was from a large, very religious and very poor single parent family; both were singled out and bullied constantly. Then I discovered that I could make people laugh and became the class clown, lost interest in school work, became very conscious of fitting in and being liked (and faced many, many rejections from groups of kids who just didn't want me in their clique).
Then came the drinking and sleeping around, still a young teenager at this stage, very closed off from reality but pretending I had lots of friends. Then drugs and that was a whole new level of getting out of it and random sexual encounters.
Then some bolt of lightening took me back to college and I became very bookish again, didn't care about my appearance, spent all my time reading and in the library (which I loved, I hasten to add).
Then tried for middle class grown up after graduating, fell pregnant due to old 'get drunk and shag anything' Tup resurfacing again and then as a single parent tried to be trendy mum, joining in with the middle classes mum, earth mother, career mother, single on benefits and I don't care mum, then forced into falsely accused of abuse and now struggling to cope with a disabled child mum. And since all of that happened with my boy I've tried to be perfect mum, don't let anyone in mum, keep away from the authorities mum. I've gone through spiritual phases, it's all about money phases, why bother let's have a drink phases and some quite puritianical kinds of phases as well. No wonder I'm so exhausted all the time.
So I need to work on what pushes my buttons and feels good. I went to the theatre last night with my friend and my son. That felt good. I loved being out, I loved being able to get dressed up, the show was amazing. This morning I watched some performance poetry on YouTube and my heart literally did flip flops so that is definitely something I need to get more into.
That's as far as I got. Sorry it's a bit rambly, just wanted to write it down here before it starts floating out of my head again.
lighter:
I think it needed to come out, Tupp.
All of it.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on July 02, 2016, 01:13:21 AM ---I think it needed to come out, Tupp.
All of it.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Lighter! I think you're right - and I think there's more to come!
I think I've been quite passive in my life and that much of what I've had to do has come from coping with situations that aren't ones that I have created (at least not consciously). I've put a lot of energy into dealing with my life but not much at all into creating the life that I really want. Partly, I think, because I've struggled to know what I really want and maybe as well because of not feeling good enough to want/ask for it? I think I over complicate things a lot as well, so I often fall quite quickly when I'm trying to 'do' something because I think I just give myself too much or too many things to do and it's not attainable (or at least not quickly enough for me to keep my momentum up) I've really struggled with making friends and having good people in my life but I'm starting to think that is because I meet people as a result of my circumstances rather than as a result of my interests or hobbies.
So - I want to be fitter and more healthy. I am pretty healthy anyway (which is amazing considering the muck I used to put through my system when I was younger) but I had a health check with the doctor recently and everything is good. I've started doing an exercise DVD at home and once I feel a bit more confident about doing that I think I might see if I can find a group I can join, maybe a weekly thing where people work out together. I'll look into that some more.
I've found some forums for people who write poetry and for story tellers, and another one for keen photographers. These are things that I love and would love to learn more about and do more myself. I've not quite had the courage to join the forums yet! It's on my being brave list for the weekend. I feel that I have nothing to offer but I realise the only way I can change that is to jump in, learn as much as I can and get on with it.
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