Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
What gives you your sense of self worth
Twoapenny:
Thinking more as the day's gone on, I am very aware that looking after young Tup and dealing with the feelings that come up from that is meaning my son's not getting the attention I want him to have so I feel that I have a lot of balls up in the air at the moment and that's making me feel quite tired.
Hopalong:
Tupp, I'm totally convinced by your narrative because it includes such practicality and a detailed plan. I'm sorry I threw you a curveball there...you DO need to get away from this incredibly toxic place. Which I suddenly got a novelistic sense of, the oppression of the proximity. UGH.
I do have faith you'll take your new strength and inner growth with you...and it will not stop.
Now I'm in it! Wish I could come help you pack.
Hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 20, 2016, 02:42:38 AM ---Tupp, I'm totally convinced by your narrative because it includes such practicality and a detailed plan. I'm sorry I threw you a curveball there...you DO need to get away from this incredibly toxic place. Which I suddenly got a novelistic sense of, the oppression of the proximity. UGH.
I do have faith you'll take your new strength and inner growth with you...and it will not stop.
Now I'm in it! Wish I could come help you pack.
Hugs
H
Hops, absolutely no need to apologise, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the fact that there are people who listen to what I say, think about it and then take the time to point out possible problems in order to try and save me pain. It doesn't happen very frequently in my life so I am very grateful when it does. I hadn't even realised myself how toxic it is until just recently; now it seems so obvious I don't know how I hadn't realised before.
In truth, if it weren't for the timings re my son's college, or I had enough money to move from this particular place but still stay close enough to visit the T then I would do, but life being what it is that's not an option at this time. It all feels right, though, I can't quite explain it, but things feel as if they are moving in the right direction.
I have found the last couple of days difficult; Young Tup is angry, she doesn't trust me, she finds it hard to take my assurances that I am here for her now. I got angry with myself; I could have fought back, I could have run away, I could have screamed and shouted and made so much fuss that he never came near me again. But equally I can see what would have happened if I'd have done those things. So it's all in a flux but today feels better, calmer. I am writing poetry and that is helping me; it's not terribly pleasant to read but I'm getting feelings down on paper and, I don't know, really acknowledging things for the first time?
Anyway, it's all good and I massively appreciate your thoughts :) With regards to the packing, a long time ago now I posted on here about needing to buy more storage to organise my 'stuff', and you gave me some very good advice about getting rid of 'stuff' instead of finding more places to put it. I've followed that ever since so there isn't too much to pack now, which means you've already helped with the packing, lol. I can only say thank you - again! :)
Love Tup x
--- End quote ---
Hopalong:
Already helped with the packing... :lol:
Many many many many adolescents/teens abused in the same ways mistakenly believe they "could/should have fought back." When there's only ONE "should" in what happened and it has nothing to do with any Tup behavior at all and never will. He should not have abused and your Mum should not have enabled.
"Shoulda" is old blame-the-victim (I'll make up an acronym--BTV), which is internalized as shame-the-victim, and results in Adolescent Tup being wary of Grownup Tup (who does know BTV is armadillo shit yet can feel angry at herself...for not being a different Young Tup). BTV is merciless.
But you can't even blame yourself for BTV bouts, Tupp. It makes sense because in your inner work, you are stirring up stuff that will cause you to revisit some old feelings and thoughts. Don't despair...
I have retrograde thought/emotion patterns still and when I know I'm better about something, it doesn't mean the door has slammed shut and I'll never deal with it again. It just means life's a cycle or spiral and now and then another wave or ripple comes through.
It's like a kind of perfectionism. I know there are bad things I will never forget. I recognize improving health when my periods of thinking about them become: 1) shorter, and 2) further apart.
Right now you are dealing with all of your past for very very good reasons, so things won't be clean and tidy for a while. You are synthesizing a ton of healing, comforting and strengthening your inner child who will accompany you on your journey forward forever, and preparing for a physical/geographical move that will be the outward expression of your inward liberation.
It's big, sometimes messy stuff! And you're doing it magnificently.
Love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Thanks, Hops :)
I am trying just to 'feel' it and not to attach any right or wrong to it. I think that's one of the things that's difficult about some upbringings; you don't learn about feelings in a normal way because they're so intense and confused and messed up and there's no healthy dumping ground for them, you just have to bury them deep and try and get through it. It has been quite revealing to me because I am aware that my reactions to things can be childish at times and I think it's simply because I didn't get a chance to react to things when I was younger. A lot of it's still just sitting there, waiting to be aired, I suppose. My anger at myself is probably anger towards my mum and step-dad but still too scary to recognise, I guess? I think that's another reason for me wanting to move now; they are near enough that if I did erupt I can literally walk right round there and start kicking off and smashing their cars up. I think there is that underlying fear of losing control and being in close enough proximity to actually do something that I would, ultimately, regret.
I am trying to focus my mind more on positive things; I still find that self talk very naturally leans toward the negative and the critical, particularly in the mornings. Do keep catching myself and having to try and frame things differently in my mind.
On a more positive and practical note, I had a look online at the disabled sports facilities in the general area we are moving to. 25 pages of sports activities for disabled people, all accessible by bus :) Where we live now there isn't one single activity you can get to without a car. He's not been well enough to do sport for a while but I have to say the huge reduction in driving has been a massive relief for me. There's also only one of each activity where we live at the moment, so if one isn't suitable for whatever reason that's tough, there isn't another option. Living somewhere with a wide range of activities available - all subsidised so cheap and cheerful - that we can get to by bus just feels like heaven on a stick.
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