Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Exploring resistence
lighter:
Lately I've been paying very close attention to what I'm getting out of some negative patterns I've identified for myself.
Hops.... putting off paperwork, for example. What I get is avoiding the emotional upheaval of dealing with details and people, some incompetent or misinformed people.
All.
Those.
Details.
I have a distinct and marked aversion to conflict also....... I think that's part of the equation, plus there are other things I'd rather be doing, of course.
What would I gain IF I handled each piece of paper as it arrived? A lot, and I get that. I stand to gain more than I would lose..... It's just that organizing paperflow isn't my strong suit.... but I'm working on it; )
Things are under control right now, not perfect, but I have the choice of creating new habits, or repeat old ones, I see that very clearly.
I have travel for school in October, and planning a Haunted House, and travel at the end of this month, and DD15 visiting again in October so making positive changes will have a huge impact, IMO, and I'm cutting myself lots of slack....
new systems don't have to be "perfect" just in place, and mindfully tended to... imperfectly tended to that is. I see where having to have things "perfect" has paralyzed my ability to respond/act in the past, and I want to cut that pattern down, and replace replace replace.
Caring for the dog feels better than it ever has right now, which is a relief. Youngest dd pitches in without complain when asked.... again. It's a relief. My youngest dd14 is on top of school, achieving, turning in work ahead of time, and knocking out cool artsy projects we plan and share..... she gets up on her own, giving herself 2 hours to do whatever it is she needs to do in the morning.
For me that means she's forming proactive habits that make it possible for her to feel in control of her own life, and prepared as she enters her day/week. Her teachers placed her into some AP classes she didn't expect to be in this year... she's never wanted to be in AP classes..... she's conflicted about this. She resents the extra work, for instance, and this morning expressed some negative feelings. I said "but you're brilliant and capable of the work" and her response was "but I feel they're prosecuting me"...
very funny bc she meant she feels they're "weeding out the smart kids." On some level she's elevated the "superstar" overachiever kids above her abilities, which makes her doubt herself.
She's very funny, and quirky, and you never know what she's going to say, lol.
My oldest will be 16yo soon. Our visit was nice, and she's growing, and making progress..... 2 steps forward, and all that. Changing old patterns is so difficult. For some years I responded to my children out of habit.... I wasn't growing as a parent, but attending to them as younger children at that younger child level.... just surviving some of the trime frankly.... no time or energy to research the next age appropriate phase, and how to meet it/deal with it.
I have to identify my part in dd15's patterns, and that means I'm dealing with things I haven't been able to deal with yet.... from the past 16 years really. It feels like I'm moving fast, and in the right direction... like it's time to deal with this stuff, and I'm ready. The legal stuff is ending, and other doors are opening. All three of us are benefitting.... it's good, IMO.
If anyone here deals with Iron deficiencies, or suspects same they may want to see about an Iron IV. When I look at my ability to focus, shift into observer mode, and attend to problems with less emotion I see the BIT and the IV as the two major likely contributing factor in recent months.
I'm just this side of dreading fall bc of three major leaf blowing sessions ahead of me, but the dread isn't materializing like it did last fall. I have a 3 phase plan of what to do, and am actually looking forward to being active in the cooler temperatures.
I'm looking forward to the Amazon firepit, and sharing it with others. It's a good thing.
It's a new thing; )
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
My resistance takes a little different form Lighter.
I resist doing what I know I should, to take care of myself. Give me things to do for someone else, and I'm all over it. I buy yogurt, put in the fridge until it's past it use by date; throw it out... rinse & repeat. I finally stopped buying yogurt.
Give me something complex & difficult and I'll make short work of it -- UNLESS it's something that really benefits me. That taboo is still there; the magical thinking that if I allow myself this one thing... something bad will happen. It's negative magical thinking; the flip side of "if I'm really really good Santa will bring the pony I want".
And at the moment, I'm resisting getting on with this move. Of being the active force in letting go my "nest" here... at my favorite time of year no less. Resisting calling in the troops - with offers from near & far that they will be here. It's not simply being tired & needing a break; there is a strong emotional pull to let myself get totally absorbed in various "wastes of time"; to "not think" and even for a time - let myself forget "me" altogether and just be "in a story" - either film or book.
I've gotten very good at standing in the middle of my great space... turning 360 and looking at this thing that needs to be done, then that one, and then move on to this... before I do x, y, & z. Until it's lunch time and then, well... I need a rest. And before I've really gotten my motivation going again, well it's mid-afternoon and time to get the mail... and now it's dinnertime.
It's much less perfectionism, planning, distaste, or even questioning my ability to accomplish what I set out to do. And despite my noticing that I always feel better when I have crossed a big chunk of things off my list... and my ability "to do" expands... there is this whiny seriously needy little child demanding that someone else do it and take care of her at the very same time. Or she'll get mad or cry... and that will REALLY make bad things happen.
The visual chaos caused by piles of boxes & packing supplies lights up the anxiety fire. So does, leaving this place... for someone who moved 7 times in 5 years without a second thought; shouldering the actual work myself; I'm not overjoyed at this move. I'm not planning ahead for the new place either. I'm simply taking all my "stuff" and plunking it there... and then, later on... figuring out where things will go. I am still purging; sorting. And trying to find a timeline that I can reasonably expect to be ready -- for the people I will need to help me do this; do this for me.
Physically; emotionally - I now have my doubts about being able to meet any selected deadline. I don't know when I'll be so tired, I'm starting to hurt myself... or this "resistance" will strike. I have gone past that point several times lately; I don't recognize that I'm getting there - my attention is all on "doing" and continuing to move. Until I hit the wall. Smash. Crash. Bench that player and we don't know when they'll be able to return to the game.
I suspect this is all some kind of deeper level "firmware" feedback loop that ran a bunch of sub-programs. I've cleaned up a lot of the sub-programs, but the main "bug" still exists in the programs and throws a "fault" which crashes the whole system because there are still artifacts floating around that simulate the same "if, then..." scenario of the deeper level bug. Like a single character typo in a line of code.
lighter:
(((((sKeP))))))
I agree it might be a feedback loop running in the background.
That's one of the subjects I'm studying, among several.
I do know one thing..... this difficult time in your life will pass, IME.
Soon enough you'll be in your new home planning a barn, and wondering where you'll put your easel, IMO.
Please be very mindful with your joints, and muscles. As they say.... you will miss them when they're gone, so be careful while you still can.
Again, less is more. Take only those things that bring you joy. Let the kids have family things you want to pass on... let them go now if you can.
You don't have to take everything, or anything maybe. You don't have to do anything, in fact. Sit with the fear, and the tension and whatever is driving you.
Take out all the "shoulds" and "have to" and see where you end up.
((((Amber)))) Sending you permission to rest, and do less than you believe you must.
What do you really need now?
Lighter
Hopalong:
Poignant, real issues...Lighter and PR both.
I'm sorry I've been so unhelpful lately.
(New PT job with hopes for a FT one. TIRED. Or, Southernly, tard tard...)
NOT for this thread. I'll start one mebbe this weekend and fill y'all in.
Meanwhile, though, I hear Lighter's cautious struggle with the shape of being, how to be safe in balance and beauty and getting it All Right.
And Amber's almost opposite struggle, to let the Shit Hit Fan where it wants to, so she can breaaathe.
Let me just wish both of you, expansive peace, dropped shoulders, tension inexplicably flowing down your arms and out your fingers and even for a moment, just one, it's gone.
It's all...just stuff.
The perfection and processes and plans...the chaos and loss and piled boxes.
It's all stuff, and where your hearts are is maybe rocked and bruised but still glows.
love
Hops
lighter:
There you are ((Hops.))
Please do catch us up when you get a moment.
Your post was lovely, btw.
Light
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