Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Exploring resistence
lighter:
Amber:
I so get the puffy pouty inner child.... a little OCD...... mine was large and in charge the first half hour working with volunteer parents Saturday morning on the Middle School dance decorations.
I'd designed stage decorations the night before, laid them out in neat OCD color coordinated rows of paper puffs and lanterns, ribbons measured and cut, ready for assembly the next morning.
I walk in Saturday morning, assured by the mom in charge that she'd watch over my stuff, and EVERYTHING is in a pile with 200 balloons confusing it further..... all scraped up, and that's all I see till I can see straight. I think I truly spun in circles for a bit.
I usually do everything the night before, with my kiddos, and skip the social interaction with other parents. This time I wanted to engage other parents, and enjoy fellowship around the event.
When I can finally see straight I have 2 wonderful moms working side by side, as they can with me, and they're doing whatever it takes to get the job done. They were troopers, and we got it done...but but but.... I keep wanting to say but...... but.....
I have to learn how to stand down my petulant child, and reassure her more quickly that all will be well. I do get over things..... but. It's that but... it's in the way, and slowing me down.
It's also a sort of perfectionist hell, esp when it's some idea of how something should be done, and not how it has to be done at all. That can be a part of the paralysis IME... when all the stars don't align.... the pouty inner child living in the center of my torso... between my shoulder blades.... pushes forward, and I recognize her. I just can't quite catch her before she's out yet.
--- Quote from: Hopalong on January 29, 2017, 10:35:37 AM ---Writing my own fiction
Zone...yes, me too
Sunlight in house, pooch seeking pools of it
Friends coming tonight to watch Victoria (and drink sherry)
The ability to read
Cozy bed
Color
Music
Planting, even if just a bulb in a pot
Animals all
xo
Hops
--- End quote ---
Ahhh, Hops. What a treat to travel through your lovely moments in my mind. All of it sounded just....... very nice, and I'm happy for you.
::nodding::
I went to a neighbor's annual soup part last night (after overcoming some anxiety and resistance.)
Once we were there things went swimmingly. Three neighbors were doing renovations, which I love to talk about, and there were 12 soups to try.... so comforting.
Thursday I have a friend coming over for dinner and balance. It's a wobbly thing, this inviting people in, and engaging with the world again.
Hops.... do you ever consider writing non fiction?
Lighter
Hopalong:
Wobbly but wonderful, Lighter.
Good for you for how you keep going.
And soups! How fabulous an evening that sounds.
I wrote prose, or non-fiction, my entire cursed career.
I'm sure I could come up with ideas for non-fiction books
but I'm not interested. I do not want to write anything except
what I'm inspired by, and that, my entire life, has been fiction and poetry.
I just couldn't do my own work (or the novel, which requires
more extended time and concentration than life has allowed
for many years) before now. Even now, with a draining PT job,
I still fight for the time and focus.
My creative writing is the one space I feel utterly complete
about, in those moments I'm deeply and happily engaged. It
is going to take several years and a lot of research but the
act of getting the story on the page is pure joy.
I just have to work out enough extra income to get by on
Social Security. Hence the old-man current job and stress of
explaining all this caregiving issues to his coterie of friends.
The job--although likely temporary--is fine. It's just a big
diversion from the book.
Hugs
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Lighter - I know just how you felt, seeing your organization and method of proceeding upended. The spinning.
One thing you might not feel, is that you've been admonished, criticized and punished (by the universe?) for being so painstakingly thorough. I do feel that sometimes. It's what makes being around other people such a trial.
There is only one thing that helped me be less possessive of my vision of how things should be, go, etc. To get the pouty one to just have fun, too - and that was lots of practice. My kids - all adults now - swoop in and do things their way and seem to (now) delight in doing things FOR me. Except, the pouty one has to try to explain to Holly which way to pull the cord on the blind, to lock in position... eliciting the GLARE and icy: Mom, I think I know how blinds work... (the personification of the inner pouty one, made real - LOL - because I'm doing what my mom did to me)
They are all aware of my peccadillos regarding this stuff - and they love overthrowing it while in the process of cooking, or getting something accomplished - and when all is said & done, things are just FINE; nothing's "out of place" or "in my way".
I do have to watch out for the pouty one's temptation to just throw up her hands, sit down and sulk, though. "I don't care then" being the mantra of the little pissy buddha... LOL. Along with: "What I wanted just doesn't matter, apparently" and "OH? so what I was doing wasn't good enough?" Yup; there's some anger in those statements...
and I think what it comes down to, for me, is ownership - authorship - creating, imperfect as it may be at the end. My mom liked to take credit for stuff I did; stealing that little of satisfaction I had and belief in my capabilities. I can tell you, she STILL tries to do this - and that's I why I share so very little of my projects with her. It's not the way SHE would do it, you know.
Collaboration and teams also helped me conquer a lot of those impulses. The instinctive falling into that "pouty" space. It's way better than it used to be - but it's still there. The more stressed I am, the more it surfaces. I had it out, with the realtor one day because of it too. He said just the right thing though: I'm just trying to help you, and it's your job to LET ME.
LOL. That chastened & humbled the pissy little buddha right up. Buddha in her mind, was really just a stinky turd. LOL.
We actually have to practice this kind of thing. Letting other help; do their own way; and working with others. I find I'm saying "I'm sorry" a lot, while figuring it out how to do it without being that stinky turd.
ETA: it dawned on me later - that inner child doesn't distinguish between THEN & NOW; she just sees the same effect without the change in context. We might have to have a little heart to heart chat - LOL.
Hopalong:
I laughed at and loved your description of your inner pouty one.
Because if you can imagine that way of interacting boiled down and crystallized over 92 years, you've got my current temporary employer. Not so much pouting, as going instantly to blame and accusation should one not absolutely (and I mean absolutely) follow his exact routines without a micron of deviation.
It's an impossible task, of course, so daily I listen to remarks like: "You moved my best knife from one side to the other and I was FRANTICALLY trying to find it." Or, "I woke up calling, Hops! and you had GONE." (Which, of course, I did very quietly because I thought -- correctly -- that his rest was more crucial than a formal goodbye.) Or, "I want MY glass when you bring me water. YOU got another one out for YOURSELF but that is yours. I want MY glass." Or, "Someone put this important paper in the recycle bin!" (when I observe him losing tracks of papers, keys, etc.) All. Half-Day. Long.
Time for a good ole Suthrun "bless his heart." And many times a session, I mantra to myself: Compassion. Then I'm okay. I know a whole lot about the deprivations of advanced age and do feel much compassion for the vulnerable, whoever they are. But hooo-boy, not since Nmom has it been this daily. (And I'm still okay. He's NOT my parent and I'm finding serenity in actually experience the raising of my boundaries around him without too much distress.)
I do still believe I have a special magnet implanted in me by Martians that attracts N-behavior folks.
:)
xo
Hops
sKePTiKal:
Hops, maybe you're N kryptonite! :lol:
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