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Redhead Erin:
Its been a long time since I posted here, but today I decided I still need this board.  (My original introduction letter is here:

http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php/topic,9009.msg143372.html#msg143372)

Even though a lot of things have changed, my issues have apparently remained the same.

Since I posted here last, my NM died (thank God), I got my EMT licence, threw my back out after 18 months on the job, and am now driving for UBER. I have ideas of going to Paramedic school and getting a job in a hospital, in the Emergency Department. That is how I started working in Emergency Medicine, and I love it.

I had meant to start looking for hospital work in January, but last night I had a back spasm that reminded me I am not as ready to resume steady work as I had thought.  This is the first time in 6 months this has happened.  I cannot say I am surprised, when I consider how I was doing NONE of the things I am supposed to do to care for my back. I am pretty disgusted, both with my back and with my attitude. I deserved this.  Will I never learn?

In other news, my husband had an Internet affair from June to November 2015.  I knew about some of it when it was going on, but I found out a whole lot more this past September.  I think I have most of the story now, but I guess I won't ever know for sure.  I mention it here because in attempting to heal from the betrayal, I have run into FOO issues that I have not given much thought to in years.  (Turns out, being thrown under the bus for another woman at 46 years old called up the feelings of not being good enough that I first internalized at 2 years old.  Who knew?)

I also seem to have a lot of codependent issues (imagine that!) that I never gave much thought to until the affair happened.  It seems I'm really not equipped to live much of a healthy life at all.  Having my entire marriage and the life I had imagined I had and would  have threatened,  showed me how many weak spots there are in my personality.

So here I am.

Hopalong:
Awww, (((((((Erin))))))--Wecome back!

You know you fit right in, holes in your tights and all.
We're all tattered, healing souls and let me say also...

WOW. You have learned and done so much since you were last here!

You sound so honest. So clear in seeing yourself. Warts and all and no
defensiveness.

Maybe skip the self-attack bits and just hear--how responsible you sound,
how you own your choices? Sounding honest and responsible (not sounding perfect)
is inspiring to me. I need more inspiring role models, so I'm happy you're back!

You're taking hold of your life. You might drop bits now and then and pick
them up again. And so does everyone! Life is a clumsy thing.

You have GOALS. Not only that but you've already achieved some of them. Wow.

I'm really really sorry about your back. How painful and frustrating.
I hope you're able to PT your way into whatever brings you most satisfaction,
and I hope there's some really smart PT who can help you find your strength
so you can do ER work FT if FT is what you need.

I'm also sorry about your husband's wandering focus. I hope you have support
as you navigate that pain, too. Glad you'll find some of it here.

Hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Welcome back, Erin!  How funny, I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were getting on and then you pop up :)

Sorry to hear about your back and hubby but, as Hops says, glad there are goals to aim for and achievements to date.  I have kind of accepted now (almost!) that I'm learning to live with my 'stuff' rather than get rid of it altogether.  Sometimes it still knocks me sideways but for the most part things are okay.

Looking forward to catching up :) x

sKePTiKal:
LOL, Erin... sounds like you've learned it's a lot harder for life to knock you down (and for a loop) than you might've thought at one time. That would be a good thing. I think I'm hearing a tinge or two of one of my favorite tones of voice: sarcasm - which is WELCOME to me, I don't wanna be the only one!!  ;)

Yeah, life tends to remind us over & over again of the issues we first had challenging us in our FOOs. And yeah, we need support - 'coz we's all humans. So, no point in kicking yourself about the fact you might have to refine the work you've already completed. We'll be doing that till we ride off into the sunset.

Pull up a log while we all cozy up to amazon's yule fire.

lighter:
Sorry you're struggling, Erin.

The cheating isn't about you.... it's about him. 

Invest in self care rituals.  Remember to touch base with yourself every morning to set goals and keep yourself heading in a better direction.

I always found journaling to be a very helpful tool...... I could barf everything up, read it, then write again, over and over till clarity appears.

Knowing how you really feel about something difficult, and why, makes it easier to figure it out, IME.

Lighter

 

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