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Hopalong:
PS, Erin--I think I may have glossed over the intensity of your blaming yourself for the two big bad things.
Please notice that. Even if you didn't do adequate back care, well your back has now reminded you so you can start doing it now. Even if there are "two sides" to every marital story, you chose to be faithful and he chose otherwise. It's weaknesses aligning with urges and it's the oldest story since the apple. So this particular betrayal cannot possibly be All Erin's Fault...(whether you've been a perfectly attentive spouse or not)...because it's a human nature failure that many good people succumb to.
Just like with your back, I hope the pain of it steers you together into counseling and healing. And if that pain leads elsewhere, one road NOT to take is the road down which Erin is Bad.
You really were lacerating yourself in your post: for neglecting your back, perhaps your hub. What if both of those things were true in some degree? Neither sounds to me as though they're anything to do with "bad personality" which is the worrisome part.
Self-blame can turn into self-loathing and that is hard to overcome.
I hope you have strong, capable, compassionate counseling to prevent either of you from turning to self hatred. For YOU. And for you both.
love
Hops
Redhead Erin:
Hi everybody!
Its so good to see the familiar names. Like coming home.
I have been trying for a while to own my choices and take responsibility for my own issues and mistakes. I may be a product of my raising (aren't we all) but nobody is holding a gun to my head and making me walk down those self-destructive paths any more.
The summer my husband was involved with that whore was absolutely the most horrifying thing I can remember. I was hysterical for months on end. I don't blame myself for his awful choices, not in the least. But sometimes I get caught in that weird headspace between "knowing" it had nothing to do with me, and "feeling" like it did. If only I had been a better wife, better in bed, better at....you know what I mean.
I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching since then. The worst aspect of the affair itself was that I felt like I was losing my husband, and without him I would be unable to carry on. I felt like my personality was so intertwined with his, that he was so much a part of me, that if he left there would not be enough pieces of me remaining to patch together a functioning human being. I started making suicidal gestures (which did not escalate to well-planned attempts but could have been deadly just the same) and really felt that without him I would not be able to go on.
I belong to another forum about infidelity, where they talk about the wandering spouse being in an "affair fog." Let me tell you, the spouse is not the only one in a fog! After I thought he was done with the slut, (turns out he was lying about that but I didn't find out until much later) it took me a few months to get my head above water and start wanting to live a normal life again. I wasn't really interested in dissolving a 30 year friendship and a 14 year marriage over what I then believed was a 3-month inappropriate friendship.
But I did need to heal. Mr. RedheadErin was not helpful. HE would be kind and loving one day, nasty and horrible the next. He would promise me the world, then do nothing. Any time I tried to tell him my needs were not being met in our marriage, he would get defensive and make an argument out of it. He would say the most awful things. One day he loved me and would move the stars to keep me; the next he was miserable and wished I would file for divorce. One day I was "awsome" the next a hateful shrew. It was worse than being on a roller coaster; it was like being on a Tilt-a-Whirl blindfolded! Things got worse and worse until one day I realized that he had always felt free to hurt me for whatever reason, and his affair was just more of the same. I realized nothing was changing in the marriage, but that I was changing. I was no longer willing to put up with his shit. I made an appointment with a lawyer.
That was last August (2016). Shortly afterward, I found out about more of the affair (the story as I know it now). He seemed completely remorseful and willing to change, to be the man I deserve. In the following couple of months, we attended a Retrouvaille weekend and took a family vacation to Texas (both had been planned beforehand) where he gave me a lovely ring and a promise to make a new start and be the husband I thought I was marrying.
Now, I'm not saying he isn't trying. He has made some changes and I am very happy and proud of him. But lately something has been brewing in my consciousness. I've been thinking on it and I realized what is really bothering me is, he is not "all in." He is doing more for me and our marriage, but his efforts are tiny in comparison to the devastation he caused. He is doing what he wants to do or deems necessary, not what I need. I have been holding his hand, trying to lead him through the process of reconciliation. Trying to keep control of him, to make sure he does everything right. As they said on my other forum, I have been driving this reconciliation train.
The reason of course is that I am afraid to let go. I don't want this train to go off the tracks. I want the marriage I want to the husband I thought i was marrying.
I am coming to realize, I have to let go. If he wants me as his wife, let him fight for me. He sure fought me hard enough when he wanted to hang on to his other woman. I deserve a man who loves me that much. I deserve a man who would move heaven and earth to heal the wounds he has made.
I am realizing, too, that I have my own work to do. Being so dependant on another person that I would accept that kind of treatment is not healthy. Literally believing that his departure would require me to be hospitalized isn't healthy. Delaying paramedic school until he can do it with me, just so he won't feel left behind, isn't healthy. So many of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are not healthy, not moving me forward.
I have to get out of this trauma. I need to stop the invasive thoughts, mind movies, and flashbacks. I need to break the cycle from childhood that tells me this is as good as I am going to get. I need to stop feeling like a loser and turn my attention toward useful things.
I need to figure out how to live my own life, not a life that is ruled by the bullshit issues of other people.
sKePTiKal:
That's a real powerful statement Erin.
I'm wondering if it would be possible to do all that within the framework of the relationship, or if he's so comfortable & dependent himself, with you doing all the "heavy lifting"... that it would be too much change without a plan to move in that direction gradually?
I think it's OK for us to love people who aren't perfect for us and don't seem to know what we need by reading our minds. We can learn to communicate that and create steps to get there. Being alone isn't always a better solution; and until we sort our own issues out - another relationship will just be trading one set of problems for new set. Loving people who aren't perfect is about as good as it gets in this life (since all of us have our emotional baggage & warts & stuff) and it IS possible to find new ways within the relationship to function so that both parties are more independent and content. Motivation, as ever, is an important factor.
Redhead Erin:
sKePTiKal,
My goal and deepest wish is to heal within the context of my marriage. I hope every day that is what will happen.
--- Quote --- I'm wondering if it would be possible to do all that within the framework of the relationship, or if he's so comfortable & dependent himself, with you doing all the "heavy lifting"... that it would be too much change without a plan to move in that direction gradually?
--- End quote ---
I have considered that every day since he lied and told me the affair was ended. I have been trying to ease him along, like a poorly-socialized and half-broken colt. I have tried to gradually introduce new concepts, new ways of relating and doing things. He never used to even try for more than a few days. Now he tries harder, but he is still sliding back into his old patterns. I don't expect miraculous, overnight change. After all, he has lived his whole life in these patterns. Change takes time. I get that.
All through our marriage, and especially since the affair, I have been the one to do the "heavy lifting." I have been talking about better communication for years. I have been talking about the damaging effects of his defensiveness and anger and selfishness for years. I'm talked out. I have been forgiving the hurts and enabling the behaviors I hate since before we were married. I can't keep doing that.
What I am currently asking of him is to take the reins in this healing journey. Many betrayed spouses I know of have simply said "You made this mess, you figure out how to fix it." I didn't do that to him, because a deer in the headlights rarely makes a good decision.
I told him yesterday that it is not my job to figure out what needs to be done and to hold his hand through it. I told him what I need him to do is to take the initiative. Because he did make this mess. I told him specifically that he needs to get on the internet or get hold of some books and figure out what a wayward spouse needs to do to help heal the betrayed spouse and the marriage. Pretty much what I told him was to find the instructions, read them, and follow them.
I am trying very hard to let go of the outcome on this one.
Meanwhile, I have my own shit to worry about. I have issues, lots of issues. The affair brought up all the crap from my childhood that I thought I had conquered. There is the not-good-enough issue, and the fear-of-abandonment issue. There is the inability-to-trust issue, the getting-in-my-own-way issue, the only-good-for-sex issue. Don't forget the standing-up-for-myself issue. Disorganized thinking. Poor habits with money. Procrastination to the point of doing myself serious damage. Refusal to cope with certain parts of reality and adult life. Then there is the healing from the affair that I have to do on my own, like getting past the fear and the hurt, reclaiming my own headspace, and setting boundaries.
Oh, and I have a life, too. A kid and a job and a house. Hobbies and pets. A back issue that needs care. You know, all that shit everyone has, whether they had an affair or a shitty childhood or not.
I got close to divorce before when the pain of staying in the marriage outweighed the fear of going off on my own. So far, since September, the marriage has been a lot less painful. The pain of living with a defensive, selfish, non-needs-meeting, half-assed-remorseful spouse may yet overcome all the reasons I might want to stay. It remains to be seen.
What I do know is that I need to heal my shit. Married or not, I need to become the best Erin I can, because I owe it to myself. If he wants to be part of this journey, good for him. If its too much work for him, he can get off the recovery train at any station.
lighter:
Redheade Erin:
I can say this..... IF he's trying, and you know that you're being rather frank/brutal in response bc you still have hard feelings you need to deal with..... maybe you guys need rules for communicating during this stressful time?
No name calling, yelling, being snyde or changing the subject till one subject is finished, etc. A time and place for venting, and all needs to be in a I FEEL __________ about _______________ Because _____________ format about you and not the husband.
Sometimes resolving problems in a marriage like this can lead to a much stronger bond, IME.
I wouldn't try to get through this without some counseling....... some voice of reason in a very emotional abyss, kwim?
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Go to school. Turn away from expectation, and see what he does. Give him space, without judgement, and see what he does with it if it feels right.
I don't know enough about the situation to say anything for sure, but I have seen broken promises, along with the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behaviors and they don't bode well for resolving problems in the marriage, IME.
You can't change your husband or his actions.... but you can darned sure change your own to get a different outcome, KWIM?
Onward and upward Erin. With our without your marriage...... what will you be doing in 2017?
Lighter
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