Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Christmas
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on December 25, 2016, 06:19:02 PM ---Well ho ho HELL, Tupp.
I'm really sorry about your boy's seizure.
I can't imagine the toll it takes on you both.
It must be exhausting to witness and deal with safely,
and must be exhausting for him to have his body
challenged in that way so frequently. Even the
muscles, much less his weary brain.
That you have the mental wherewithal to even type
a post is the Christmas miracle. You really are something.
I hope NYear's brings a happier mood and calmer time.
Kathy, I can relate to the loneliness, and the hard insight
that there are so often more than one N in our lives.
What a sinking feeling when that sinks in.
I do hope you can strengthen yourself and find some
solution that will allow you to take joy in your own being again.
The security of a cage is still a cage, and it's a hard formula
to work through until the way is clear.
Me, I had a sorrowful Xmas morning, new par for the course
over the last few years. Even though I had somewhere to go
later in the day, it still hit. Hard not to think about my gone girl.
I wound up listening to some African American Christmas songs
I hadn't heard before...and it hit me how sorrowful the tone of
many were. I could hear in both the singing and the verses how
much pain and courage there was in singing about peace, hope
and good will...even while wishing it could be that way year round.
When a soulful black singer sings with sadness about Christmas,
you know the contrast of the temporary kindness is cutting close.
Two songs that addressed it literally were a song about a jailed man
yearning for his family whom he could not see because he is a
prisoner (and how much he mourns his past violence). Another
started with the upbeat sound of cheesy secular Christmas songs,
but the refrain was: Santa, go straight to the ghetto...don't leave
anything for me. That really went to my heart.
Under the jollity, pain was audible. It's a whole canon.
I had a very nice time at my friend's family's dinner...and got to
hold and savor the new baby in the family. A little girl whose Mom
is my friend's daughter, and whose Dad is Iranian. Little Ayla is 2 mo., gorgeous
and that comfy-sturdy-wobbly little body was a joy to hold. I asked
them "how much will you charge me to babysit for you?" They laughed
and are going to take me up on it sometime.
Now I'm going across the street to my Jewish neighbors'--they just
got back from a trip from Barcelona to Barbardos. She is a lovely
warm person who heads up the local faith-coalition social justice
organization, which has been accomplishing very good things here.
I'm taking homemade gingersnaps, which I baked at noon. I was
surprised how good they were--the folks at dinner really liked them.
Good to check in here. Happy Solstice, everyone.
love,
Hops
--- End quote ---
I'm glad you had some nice places to go, Hops, and that your gingersnaps turned out well :) Babies and toddlers are such a tonic, aren't they, those chubby little limbs and they're just so happy in their own skin at that age. I have a terrible urge to swoop up babies when I see them out in shops and cuddle them. Obviously I don't as I'd be arrested, lol, but there's something about them that just makes you want to hold them close.
I'm sorry about the space left by your girl. I know the pain is there every day but those sorts of things are always much harder on special days, sometimes just because it's a 'rest' day, I think, and you're just not so busy. That's when I find my mind wanders. I find I think about my dad more and more these days. We miss the people we love. We've got through another end of year. I think we're all warriors xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on December 31, 2016, 05:05:38 PM ---Hey, Tupp.
Can you ask your boy's doctors about this, if it's available in the U.K.?
https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/a-powerful-new-form-of-medical-marijuana-without-the-high/2016/12/29/81bbf7c0-b5b2-11e6-b8df-600bd9d38a02_story.html?tid=pm_pop&utm_term=.eaa596d75ac8
You never know but it's an encouraging story.
Hugs
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hops, a funny coincidence - literally within a couple of days of you posting this someone posted on another forum that I use that the powers that be are considering using this for medical purposes in the way described in the article. I've no idea how long these sorts of things take to sort out but apparently they've done a lot of tests because they were concerned about the numbers of people using it illegally (and they were worried about safety) and the tests have been very positive. So they're doing more research and it may at some point be available! Was just so funny that it came up somewhere else after you posted it on here. Anyway I am keeping my eyes on it and will let you know it there are any developments :)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: sunblue on December 27, 2016, 12:12:20 PM ---I'm so sorry to hear your Christmas was so difficult TwoAPenny. I truly hope the New Year will bring better times. The holiday can be so difficult---especially for Narcissistic families. The holidays are a reminder of everything that is missing and that we'll never have. It's a reminder of the "haves" and "have nots". Frankly, I think surviving it is an accomplishment in and of itself!
This year was a sobering holiday for me. After expending all of the effort in my family for the holiday, I realized that I truly have no family. I was once again forced to witness my brother expend all of his effort and emotion for his "adopted family"---his wife's family----and express not one iota of sentiment for his own biological family. I realized that will never change. He has lived a truly charmed life, never having to struggle for anything----perfect wife, perfect child, good career that was literally handed to him by others...No challenges of any consequence. He has adopted more of my N mom's traits----the need to completely control and dictate behavior, a lack of empathy and compassion, and a sense of superiority. I look at him now and see that the brother I knew and grew up with is gone, never to return.
I spent Christmas morning at the cemetery visiting and honoring my Dad who always had such a true heart and, like me, loved Christmas. He as grateful and appreciative for all the effort I made. While there, I witnessed a scene that was truly heartbreaking. A little girl had apparently recently passed. Her family, including a person I surmised was the young father, arrived at the grave site and prayed around the grave in a circle, The young dad was dressed as Santa and placed a wrapped doll carriage with some small toys on the grave. A small wreath with a motion-censored ornament that played a Christmas song hung over the grave. Just like that popular image, "Santa" kneeled down at the grave and prayed and then drew a small heart in the snow before the family departed. That scene put a lot of things in perspective. While I, along with other visitors that day, were mourning our losses, it couldn't be compared with the loss of this family on Christmas Day.
Acceptance is very hard. It is especially difficult at Christmas when we are inundated in society with images of happy families and messages of what is truly important at the holiday---spending time with family and loved ones. I believe that to be true which makes it all the more heartbreaking when you know you have no family or loved ones who care. But I also know, although society never wants to remind us of this, that there are many, many, many people out there who are alone or lonely with no family or families who are estranged and have betrayed or hurt us. The bottom line is that life is not fair. Those of us on this board probably fit into that group of people who, through no fault of our own, have no family to count on, to sit around the Christmas tree with and have authentic, loving experiences.
Instead, what we must do is forge on, to find our way to acceptance and to do our best to contribute to this life in some way.
Like many have expressed here, I truly am grateful for all of you, for the kindness and support you have shown me over the years. It has made the world of difference and helped me feel I'm not so alone.
Thank you Dr. G for providing this forum and doing so with so much compassion, empathy and understanding.
May we all find a moment or two of joy this season and may we experience a New Year that is filled with peace, acceptance and understanding.
Bright Blessings. Sunblue.
--- End quote ---
Hey Sunblue,
I remember that moment of realising that I didn't have any family to speak of and it's a terribly hard and shocking thing to experience, I think. I think in some ways it's tougher to have family that could love you but don't than it is to physically not have any family? I don't know, maybe they're both just as hard. I remember one year after I 'came out' about my step-dad abusing me that my mum invited the whole family to a big lunch for Easter, didn't invite me and made sure I knew about it. It was my punishment for spilling the family secrets. I have adjusted as time goes by, I think. It helps, in some ways, that Christmas has been turned into a big commercial enterprise. That helps me to put it in perspective (I see it as an advertising ploy, basically. I don't mean that in a rude way to people who celebrate for religious reasons but I feel it's been hijacked by businesses and as I'm not religious I feel less of a need to get involved). I'm glad you have the good memories from your dad, though. I have good memories from my dad and I do feel it helped me to just have that normal, loving presence in my life, even though it wasn't for very long.
The description of the family at the grave is heartbreaking. As you say, there are so many experiencing pain, heartbreak and loneliness, not to mention the homeless, those who are ill, living in loveless relationships and so on. So much joy on one hand and so much pain on the other, it's hard. We took some flowers up to my friend's daughter's grave on Christmas Eve and what I thought was lovely was that the graves were awash with colour. So many people had taken flowers up for their loved ones. It makes you realise how loved people are.
Anyway I hope you got through it okay. I have found Christmases have become less painful as time's gone by but it's a hard one to get through. Lots of love xx
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