Sad About Next Chapter

[sunblue]

Hello All:

I feel a bit guilty about writing this because I know most people will think I am a bit crazy. I have been unemployed for quite awhile now due to a company layoff. I have worked really, really hard to find a job. I have done countless interviews (often up to 10 rounds for a single job). I have completed interview "assignments," spent countless hours searching for and applying to jobs. I have also done pro bono work for small businesses or non profit groups while  job searching.

I was ultimately offered a position which I am supposed to start next week. The thing is I am feeling VERY depressed about it. I am clearly overqualified for it. It is certainly not what I was hoping for. I just can't believe that, yet again, after all my hard work and experience, this is where I end up. I have been crying non stop and just am dreading this. I know I can keep looking for something better and I know I should feel grateful since so many people I know who have been looking can't even get an interview but this just brings up more feelings of failure for me. I know I have to put on a "happy face" and just eat the crow when I start the job but I feel so sad and defeated.

Is it wrong to feel that just once in my life. I'd like something good to happen? Just once I'd like to get something in life that I want. I know this all sounds terrible and that I'm ungrateful. I guess I just am feeling my deep depression sinking in. I am wondering how I am going to face what I have to deal with next week.

Sorry for the depressing rant.

[Twoapenny]

Sun there is no need to apologise, the current climate across the planet is not a good one, whether for work or other reasons.  I've had a good ten years of literally everything I did resulting in nothing much happening no matter how hard I worked or tried.  I've no idea why it happens like that or why it suddenly changes (it did for me and funnily enough it happened without me doing anything, how weird) but while it's going on it's utterly horrible and yes, it's frustrating, depressing and demoralising.

Something I am trying to do now is not to beat myself up about the way I feel about things.  I think it's okay that you feel fed up about this and that you're not looking forward to it and no, it isn't fair when people have to take work that's way below their capability so I don't see any reason to feel bad for feeling bad!  You'll do a good job and put on a work face, I'm sure and hopefully something better will come along.  But I don't think there's any reason for you to feel bad that you aren't happy about the situation (I wouldn't be, either!) and I hope you start to feel better soon x

[sunblue]

Thank you Two. You hit it on the head! I am really glad, though, that things turned around a bit for you. You certainly deserve it. In order to try to forget about it and the crazy N-in-Chief today, I went to a movie. I saw La La Land. It was a beautiful movie but the message that if you just keep dreaming, if you keep trying, your big dreams will come true was just hard to swallow. I think we all know that's not the reality. Like you, I don't know why some are blessed with luck and opportunities and others just have to struggle through life. I am feeling very bad about this job. Like all my previous jobs, I do a great job and am almost immediately given lots more responsibility...but it's never a win win. I never get reciprocated to the same level. I think this current situation is hitting my hot buttons--never being respected, valued or rewarded. Sigh. I do my best to keep it in perspective as I know there are so very many others who are struggling more than I. Thanks for listening.

[Hopalong]

I hear you, Sunblue.
Inequity, sexism, unequal pay and feeling deeply unappreciated in the workplace stuck deeply in my craw for many years. I truly understand how maddening and depressing it is.

In the last decade, I often joked to people that I was "downwardly mobile." Economically, it was true. I went from earning relatively solid salaries to desperation after I lost my main (toxic Nboss) job. I've had three different jobs since then, none of which worked out. I began to panic and just dread aging.

Now, I've staggered onto Social Security, tidied up my lifestyle (more frugality) but have just started a PT post doing companionship for an elderly man in my church. A nice hourly wage and pleasant, intelligent company. Nothing's beneath me and I'm realizing now that I'm also working at my novel again, I'm happy.

Nobody else is going to tell me I'm wonderful (though a few friends do) ... and it's finally sunk in that I am alive, this world is beautiful, I am not starving or sleeping in the rain...and I'm okay. And in hindsight, I think working for Nboss activated my own Nspots, and my struggle to accept my lowered status was actually at times toxic too.

Adjusting "recognition expectations" downward--and having no choice--has wound up being good for me, and put me in touch with deeper values within myself. After long internal and external struggle I really am finding meaning that has nothing to do with others' approval or praise. Especially N others'. (I actually don't care--not now anyway--whether I publish my novel or not in a couple years. It's real instead of abstract to me that I am feeling joy in doing it. Just that.)

It feels good to like myself whether the world (including professional/work world) throws parades for me or not. (And that answer is: Not. And there it is.)

I agree with Tupp that the work face and function, leaving these resentful feelings at home every single morning is what you need to do now. For your own sake. I hope that in time, you may even find ways to find meaning in just doing the job. For one thing, you can begin crafting independence from your family. For another, you have the dignity of employment.

These do have value and yegods, how about giving yourself some enormous credit for your persistence? In the declining economy, so many simply gave up totally.

You
did
NOT.

Kudos, Sunblue!

Hugs
Hops

[sunblue]

Hops:

Thank you for so generously sharing with me your experience and background.  I know, logically, you are right.  Downward mobility and adjusted expectations, however unfair or difficult that may be, is the reality of the day.  I know so many people who are so talented and with so much experience yet cannot score even one interview, let alone a job offer.  I think, in general our tendency is to compare ourselves who are upwardly mobile, who are succeeding in life and are able to fulfill some of their dreams.  But the sad truth is that there are just as many who are experiencing the very opposite of that life picture, yet we rarely compare ourselves with them. 

I'm so glad you are finding fulfillment in your current endeavors.  I think some of the work I must do is learn to let go of some hopes or expectations, and pursue other hobbies.  When your entire identity is based on your job and title and career success, it is indeed difficult to accept downward mobility....especially when you know you are more than capable of achieving something better if only given a chance.  But alas, equal chances are not given to all.

I am going to do my best to get through this next week.  It won't be easy.  I'm feeling sad and depressed and tired and full of failure but I am trying to keep it all in perspective and remind myself that it is employment with benefits, something that I know others are desperately seeking.

Thanks again for your guidance and sharing your personal experience.  You are always so very kind and I really appreciate it.  As someone whose career has centered around writing, I can very much appreciate the fulfillment you have in creative writing.  Thanks again for your support.  Sunblue.

[Twoapenny]

Thank you Two. You hit it on the head! I am really glad, though, that things turned around a bit for you. You certainly deserve it. In order to try to forget about it and the crazy N-in-Chief today, I went to a movie. I saw La La Land. It was a beautiful movie but the message that if you just keep dreaming, if you keep trying, your big dreams will come true was just hard to swallow. I think we all know that's not the reality. Like you, I don't know why some are blessed with luck and opportunities and others just have to struggle through life. I am feeling very bad about this job. Like all my previous jobs, I do a great job and am almost immediately given lots more responsibility...but it's never a win win. I never get reciprocated to the same level. I think this current situation is hitting my hot buttons--never being respected, valued or rewarded. Sigh. I do my best to keep it in perspective as I know there are so very many others who are struggling more than I. Thanks for listening.

I think it's ingrained in us from a very early age that if only we work hard enough everything we want will come to us.  And no, you're right, it doesn't!  Although maybe this job is hitting so many buttons because something in you is stirring and saying enough is enough?  Might be the last time you have to take a job that isn't right for you - here's hoping x