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How cosmic is this?

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Hopalong:
You may not believe me, but it's true...I am working for an N again and actually think it's destiny (or I am wearing a special magNet). But this time, at least so far...it's okay!

He's not all bad (a clueless rather than malevolent N, just spoiled and deeply self-absorbed). And, he's not my parent, he's 92 and I am grateful for the work. But seeing him go through such confusion over why three previous people kind of dumped him (after knocking themselves out to help him prepare for a surgery)...has been revelatory. A very very familiar revelation, if you know what I mean.

SO many moments with Ns I've known when the actual puzzlement shows. An actual bewilderment over what is annoying others...just having zero clue about their own tone, or assumptions, or especially10 the biggest clue of all, the entitlement. The significant thing to me is I detect underneath that (in some, approachable or vulnerable Ns, which any human can be in their 90s)...a sorrow. And I can have compassion for that. While keeping up the boundaries.

I first met him about 10-12 years ago at church...he's VERY charming (was) and smart and full of incredible stories. Retired journalist, world traveled. He was also handsome. But I had one excursion with him to see some sheep dog trials and we were together for 5 hours and I knew immediately. Nope, not gonna even try to be friends with this particular gent (not that I was really thinking of him that way due to the age gap). He talked about himself the entire time, didn't ask me a sole personal question...classic kind of thiNg. I reminded him of that afternoon and he remembered my "back seat driving." He was a terrible, frighteningly bad driver and that was the OTHER reason I never built a friendship afterward...didn't want to battle about that. Was on a committee with him and we always greeted each other pleasantly though.

Anyway, after a rough couple days during which he fumed (about his other friends' abandonment) and showed a lot of resentment about my presence, he finally asked me exactly how it came about, and I told him the truth. His main friend (and PoA--he has no family) is ill himself, spent countless hours helping him arrange his complicated estate, then an interminable 9-hour stretch that nearly did the friend in. So he's backed way way off and is just fed up. I didn't put it quite that bluntly but, classically, when I told him how unwell and exhausted his friend was...he had not a word to say about that.

But now he's being quite nice to me. And he's paying me well, which keeps things nice and clear. And despite his personality, I actually tolerate it well (it's about 4 hours/day which feels waaaaay better than the FT jobs I was doing...and it's not about computing!). We get along because I know how to soothe an N, and this time, it's helping my life rather than hurting it.

If he ever reverts or becomes nasty, I'm free to quit. I have also made clear to him that I will only work for him as long as we both feel we can work together well. (His PoA told me he just emailed him about how well it's going...). I think it may be largely because he senses he's burned through the others and realizes he really does need my help. Stubborn, though! Egotistical, too. Only child, no kids, etc. But there's also a pride he struggles to cope with and I see how hard it is to let go of control. He has not been gracious about it, the way my Dad was (Dad didn't have an N cell in his body).

Old age is hard and he deals with real pain. When he's on his Rx regimen (including opiates for terrible spinal arthritis) and comfortable, he's pretty pleasant. I don't know what will happen in future but this is working for now (one week). How weird....I decided not to run screaming but see how my N-armor has strengthened. Being the hired and decently PAID help, and only PT, makes it relatively easy. And it's good for me to be forced out of the house every day--that's giving me purpose and helping with depression.

Anyhoo, just wanted to share this odd/ironic turn of events. I'm relieved to have work and do feel my instincts were right. Part-time elder companion care (not hygiene or nursing kinds of service, I can't do that much lifting, bending). But sorting, cooking simple meals (he needs to fatten up before his next procedure) and sitting beside him as he deals with confusing paperwork and computer decisions, kinda thing. And he loves an audience for his stories.

Cinderella got nothin' on us children of Ns! And somehow being around him shows me my growth. I'm not feeling any trauma about it at all. Just doing a good job and being kind (then going home).

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
LOL... who better to deal with an N than a child of an N? We can see their games & manipulations coming a mile away and have a whole toolkit to a) defend ourselves and b) stop them in their tracks. Do we always get it right? Nope; but that's OK.

Although, I worry sometimes that we're getting a little lazy or sloppy (after all these years) tagging someone an N -- when instead they might simply be very prideful or conceited or vain or even accustomed to power - giving orders and having them carried out - "bossy" and situationally dominating.

This word, description, diagnosis... has gotten popularized lately. I worry that it's being misused, misapplied, and perhaps unfairly "pinned" on some people. Even my mother has found this word and some of the literature for those of us affected by them... and uses it to assure me that my Dad was a prime example. Still - after 50 some years - it's important to her to tear down my opinion of him and reassure herself that she was a victim. (She can't possibly see how desperately needy she is for having someone externally support her own sense of self... LOL.)

But I think she's mixing up self-confidence, being an extrovert and enjoying a social environment, along with determination and persistence and healthy self-esteem/ego - the good kind of sense of self - with Narcississm. Sure, my Dad had his moments of pure N; I think we all do - but we don't live there 365/24/7. It wasn't the sum total of his personality. He was also very thoughtful and generous and surprisely self-deprecating in his more reflective moments.

I'm not a wordsmith at ALL... and since spending so much time alone I can notice that I'm reverting to visual thinking and may not communicate as precisely as I like all the time. I've just noticed that N has hit the "popular wavelength" and all us humans reach for that "quick shorthand categorization" of people to describe them. Sometimes incorrectly and unfairly. Because they simply don't like someone else, won't recognize boundaries between people, or can't abide that someone believes, thinks or feels differently than themselves about something. And then they PROJECT that onto the unsuspecting person.

I dunno. Weird ramble that was prompted by your delight in the irony of your employment with this person Hops. But I DO think it's a measure of how much work you've done and how strong you are now - that you can do this and even enjoy it. I'm trying to do much the same with my mom -- not for her sake mind you, but for MINE. To prove to myself once and for all, that my scar tissue doesn't feel pain - that my weakness healed stronger that it was "before". I'm venturing out into that trust/risk area again - gasp!! by myself!! - and trying to navigate friendship boundaries in a healthier way.

Big test: I have an online friend who lives some ways away, but within a days drive. She lost her husband Mike yesterday morning... and I'm trying to be there for her to lean on, but not be hovering all over her like a mother hen... and not hurt myself in the bargain by getting blindsided/triggered into pulling her grief into me and carrying it for her.

Well - time to put that mindset away. There's a backhoe and a crew of he-men arriving shortly to dig up the place in my driveway where I have a broken pipe to the septic tank. I have to go move the "beast" to give them some more room. Been without "indoor plumbing" since Tuesday in the house; the garage/studio is OK - but I don't have hot or conditioned water out there. The natural state of my water is heavy with iron (which makes me itch) and smells of sulphur. Blech.

I'm gonna go play with the boys.  :D

Enjoy this proof of "overcoming" Hops. Maybe he can still regale you with interesting stories - I'm sure it doesn't take much prompting. LOL.

Twoapenny:
Wow, Hops, maybe there's a whole new care service out there needing people who understand Ns and who can distance/depersonalise the situation and give care without burning out or expecting the things that most people expect in these situations.  It is something I hear a lot with regards to giving care to people.  As you say old age can be very hard (and we don't value ageing the way that some cultures do which I think can make it even more difficult) and pain and health problems along with that can be tough for anyone to cope with.  Being in a situation where people no longer have to put up with a difficult personality must really show the cracks although, as you say, a real 'N' won't question what they are doing, they'll wonder what's wrong with everybody else!

It sounds like a good deal in terms of hours/pay (and gives you time to work on your novel - maybe even ideas you can weave into it, or something else in the future :) ).  And a good opportunity to test those boundaries!  Maybe he can learn a little from your patience and understanding, you never know!  I've become more interested over the years with the notion that we live more than once and it's made me wonder if I were able to give my mum unconditional love in her later years whether she'd go into her next life with less of a desire to destroy people!  Not a theory that I'd like to try out but I find it interesting to think about.  Keep us posted with this job, it sounds interesting (and I hope he doesn't drive you nuts :) ) x

Hopalong:
Well, he IS driving me nuts, but I recover quickly once at home, because it's only 3.5-4 hours/day. I imagine caring for him will get more difficult rather than less, and he may recover so well that he lets me go anyway. We've discussed this and I told him I completely understand we're taking it one week at a time, and that I'd be happy for him if he didn't need my help again after recovering from his next procedure.

PR, good reminder not to overuse N without deep reason (I agree it's become a shallow shorthand in media). That said, I believe I'm correct. Happy to alternatively call him deeply entitled, insensitive and lacking empathy, and totally self absorbed. Age and infirmity can bring these out in others, but I've known a lot of very old people and he's a...err...real piece of work. The THREE people it took to placate and please him put in a huge amount of effort for a solid month. His primary friend (retired from Foreign Service) got fed up first and backed away fastest.

So my employer has brought it up several times and when he does, I'm just telling him very briefly what I think. (We're in the same church community so I feel the capacity to share more honestly. AND because I believe I'll find other assignments if this one ends--or I choose to end it.) I told him...(again) his friend had been quite seriously unwell himself. And exhausted (he'd spent a nine-hour stretch one day when he was near falling over from stress). He said, "I need to smooth this over because he's the main person who does X and Z and Z for me." And then he discussed several other people who used to be useful and now are not. ZERO acknowledgement of others' own issues except how they either are/or aren't of service to him. (He's not in pain now--that was only right after discharge when he'd missed a dose.)

He finally asked me for advice. (He had a whole interpretation that was all about being "right" about a situation with that friend. And making the friend...wrong.) I said, well, you can make peace or you can be right, which would you like to do? He said, I need to smooth this over. I said, have you thought about saying, "I'm sorry?" That might be helpful. (This was after a truly nasty, epic, entitled email where he tore everybody--4 people including me--a new one for treating him as someone who can't make all his own decisions. He was infuriated beyond what most folks that age are about the various incremental losses of control. The point is, all his close friends are volunteers who genuinely care/d about him--were all trying madly to HELP, and the only thing he focused on was when someone guessed one of his needs--or non-needs--incorrectly.) After pondering, he said, "But what would I be apologizing FOR?" I said, Your tone, I think. Just your tone.

He also can get a really nasty edge when you displease him. I placed one knife in a different location and he went on about it. And sort of mocked my "tidying up." (I could see how he'd have been as a critical, controlling spouse.) Seriously, I believe he's a full-tilt N. Underneath the former twinkle and charm is someone used to always being kowtowed to. And I ain't. And I'm glad I have a simpler reason for being around him.

I'm still kind to him, deliberately cheerful, and very patient. He does not concede one inch (same as my mother, whom he reminds me of) about anything, and likes to read aloud an INFINITE number of pieces of paper or mail. She used to do that...she would read anything aloud, no matter how trivial, to keep a listener locked on. Difference? Mom got my attention/obedience for 10 years for free. I'm not giving it away to my employer. I am getting paid a good wage, which I need, so for that reason, I can cope. (With Mom, I felt exploited/trapped.)

Tupp, I hear your thoughts about wondering how unconditional love might affect your mother in great old age. I did have that one healing moment with my mother when my pain seemed to register and offend her sense of values about what my brother had done. But on balance, the sacrifice was too deep. It cleaned things up for me but it was a decade of pain to get there. I don't believe I'd do it again.

This job is an interesting challenge and truly may be short-term. Thanks for listening!

hugs
Hops
PS--the other thing is, he's a serious tightwad even though (his PoA told me, though he shouldn't have) he has a couple million. Depression era child, I get it. But he makes it an unpleasant thing for everyone he's tasked with making purchases for him. He'll spend literally hours on the phone to get a small refund of something or other...while also telling me he wants his mountain of paperwork sorted. But I'm not allowed to make a single decision about a tiny piece of paper dated years ago. This is just personality+beginning loss of focus from age, I think.

AND, it makes me look at my own office/paperwork challenge in a more urgent light. I don't want anyone else to have to do that for me!!!!!

PPS- Amber, have fun with the manly men! Sorry about the sewer pipe and the stinky water.

lighter:
Hops:

I guess you work with this gentleman until he crosses one boundary too many.

It's a slippery slope, bc he's going to cross boundaries, IME.

Perhaps if you can be assertive as a priority, with kindness a close second, there will be less conflict in the long run? 

It's counter intuitive..... esp with people who interpret our asserting ourselves as the only conflict/problem when there's conflict.

I'm glad you can view this without much emotion as you navigate.

Lighter

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