How Do You Manage Your Stress?

[Twoapenny]

Choices are funny though, aren't they?  I look back at some of my choices and they weren't the best ones to make but given everything that had happened before they were probably the most likely.  I do wonder how much is free will and how much we are influenced by things that have gone before - which kind of means someone else made those choices for us.  It's the sort of thing that ties my head in knots

I did apologise to Sis; when I read back what I'd messaged her (in relation to the reading) it was quite insensitive.  I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and a crappy day so that had made me less aware of someone else's feelings than I would usually be.  So I did apologise and she was fine about it and said she hadn't thought it was that great either.  There are some blessings to text, at least you've actually got it in front of you so you can see what you said rather than getting your memory muddled up

Observing and trying to just accept and let it be is something I find difficult.  I was thinking today that the thing I find really difficult with regards to my son is that he'll probably never be able to live completely independently, and I know the thought of leaving him without provision really scares me.  I do find myself constantly trying to put things in place for the future whilst knowing it's pretty impossible to do that.  Not too sure how to get around that, other than continuing to try and make him as independent as possible while I can.

I did think this morning that I feel pulled in many different directions and find it difficult to attend to all the different parts of my life.  There's the spiritual, internal development part of myself and the fun loving, let's just enjoy ourselves part of me, that I feel is very undernourished.  There's the mum trying to make provision for the future, mum trying to be a mum in the here and now, mum trying to deal with doctors and other public sector agencies.  Then there's the every day stuff, housework, gardening, laundry and so on, the daily juggle with money and trying to work out ways to change things in the future.  I always seem to feel that if I pay enough attention to one area then everything else seems to slide.  Does anyone else feel like that?  And if so, how do you manage it?

I am having a nice, quiet day today, no rushing about, I did a nice meditation this morning, I've been tidying the flat and sorting out little bits of paperwork whilst talking to the cat.  I do enjoy quiet days where there's no urgent need to do things, you can just potter and do a little bit of what you fancy.

[lighter]

Hi Tupp:

You're such a good mom.  I wish you and your son had more family support than you do.  On that note, I'm glad you patched things over with your sis if it made you feel better.  The important part, IMO, was that you expressed your feelings, which you're entitled to do.  YES yes yes.... no need to feel guilty.  People will just have to get used to it.

::nodding::

Honestly, nobody multi tasks perfectly.  Everyone lets something slide if they're doing something really well, IME. 

Sometimes I think those who move constantly.... without relenting.... are people running from something... being chased.  Everyone has things they need to do, or wish they could do better.  Clutter and paperwork happen to be easier to spot.

In 100 years... will a bit of clutter and undone paperwork matter?  I think not.

(((Tupp)))  It's OK to pay more attention to your feelings than other adult's, IMO.  It might feel weird, or wrong, but..... it's OK.

Lighter






 
 

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp:

You're such a good mom.  I wish you and your son had more family support than you do.  On that note, I'm glad you patched things over with your sis if it made you feel better.  The important part, IMO, was that you expressed your feelings, which you're entitled to do.  YES yes yes.... no need to feel guilty.  People will just have to get used to it.

::nodding::

Honestly, nobody multi tasks perfectly.  Everyone lets something slide if they're doing something really well, IME. 

Sometimes I think those who move constantly.... without relenting.... are people running from something... being chased.  Everyone has things they need to do, or wish they could do better.  Clutter and paperwork happen to be easier to spot.

In 100 years... will a bit of clutter and undone paperwork matter?  I think not.

(((Tupp)))  It's OK to pay more attention to your feelings than other adult's, IMO.  It might feel weird, or wrong, but..... it's OK.

Lighter






 
 

Yep, I felt apologising was the right thing, I was insensitive and as much as I want to speak my mind and stop being a people pleaser, I equally don't want to turn into a complete arsehole that tramples over people without caring so I felt like I got the balance right there

The rest of the week has been a nightmare, though, I have been soooo tired and feel awful, very achy and lethargic and I've done something hideous to my back so it's really sore.  We've had another problem with the hospital that has caused yet more delay and I just had a meltdown earlier.  I am so sick of having to do so much work because other people aren't doing what they're paid to do, and sick of tidying up other people's mess.  We just don't have an option to cut these people out because there's really nowhere else to go but the stress they are causing is doing more harm to me than they will do good for him, I feel.  I have also found myself begrudging other people's news and not wanting to listen to people talking about their holidays and nights out because I'm fed up with never getting either.  So it's not been a great week, I've stomped about in a bad mood and collapsed on the sofa frequently.  I've absolutely no energy for anything at the moment.  I did go for acupuncture yesterday so I'm hoping I will start to feel better soon but at the moment I just want to curl up in a corner and never move again.

In other news, we've had a lot of rain and when I went out to cut the grass this morning the garden had exploded!  Everything has grown so much, and not in a good way!  It's very overgrown now but I'm going to leave cutting things back until the autumn when everything starts to die off.  For now I'm just concentrating on keeping the grass under control and working on the van; they're my two main objectives for the moment.  Then I want to get on with decorating the flat and I'll save the garden until last.

[lighter]

Tupp:

About the apology to your sister... it takes practice to get the balance right, and you're bravely taking up that quest.  The more you do it, the less alarming it will likely feel. 

I know how frustrating it is to pay people to do their jobs, and find they're not only NOT doing their jobs, but sabotaging you.... actually harming children they're supposed to be helping.   I wish I could say something uplifting, but there's only perseverance and doing everything you can to get the best possible outcome...... and then releasing expectation.   

You can't do more than you can do.  You can't.  You can't control those bastages in positions of authority and control over you and your son's care..... you can only slog through paperwork, and phone calls, then follow up.  Speak calmly, and stick to the important things.  You know this drill better than anyone, IME.  You'll do your best, and make peace with it somehow, bc that's all you can do.

About feeling lethargic and achy.... me too.  What IS that?  My hips, which normally never hurt.  My shoulders, which only hurt when I eat wheat typically...... my knees..... which usually don't bug me at all...... and my toes, which usually DO bug me are fine.   Maybe it's the warm weather, and breaking out sandals?  Different shoes?  I know I've started back with supplements, and eat more gf bread than normal lately, but.... it's concerning.   

If you have lower back trouble, lay on the floor or stand against the wall and try tilting your pelvis upwards.... little micro movements up, then back flat, and up again.  It's hard to stretch those muscles, but that helps me sometimes.  Better to try in private; )  SO looks like dirty dancing, lol.

I'm not getting everything on my to do list done, but I'm steadily getting big things done that take a lot of time.  Laundering all the quilts for the back porch, and all the beds, and guest sleeping spaces..... fresh and lovely.

I've been re reading parenting books I read when dd16 initially went into the Wilderness Program.  It's encouraging to find my comprehension has improved a good deal.  Sometimes I can't believe they're the same books.... like I'm reading them with a different brain, if that makes sense.

I hope your back feels better soon.  Working in the garden likely does your soul good, as does being out in nature.

Lighter

[Bettyanne]

Two a penny.....your right a child with cerebral palsy and a N mother not a good fit.....and I wonder why God would aline such a duo?  makes no sense to me at all.   OMG being physically normal and a N mother is sick enough to ruin your life forever.  He could not talk....walk or feed himself.  He had no control over any part of his body.  My dad was very good to him.....and my dad really was mom and dad all in one.....but he was a jumper for my mother and she took advantage of my dad......so I never learned I could say NO to my mother because my dad had no say in anything. 
My grandmother died at age 87 but she was in bed the last 3 years of her life......my dad got sick with melanoma and was given 3 months to live ....after my dad died my brother lost all interest to live with my NM taking care of him.  He went to skin and bones and died 5 months after my dad.  And my grandmother died the month after my brother. My dad was 51 when he died, my brother 24 and grandmother 87....my NM went to live to 100 and she was such a asshole...the old saying is true sometimes the good die young??

My NM was a like a bird.....free to do all the things she never did before.....but in that she blamed so much on me...she became meaner then I ever saw her.....because her husband wasn't there to wipe her ass.....he told me before he died to take care of her.....I wish he didn't do that to me.....but he was caught in my mother's spider nest.

I don't know about any of your ladies....but I never ever had a normal day in childhood.....my therapist said I don't ever know what normal is?  or how normal acts?  some of my kids that got caught in my mother's nest too are not nice to me.
My oldest daughter oldest daughter who just graduated from college......my daughter invited me to graduation and then uninvited me??? it has been very painful these past few days.....my mothers died 5 years next month and I feel like her legacy goes on.....
sadly Bettyanne......

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

About the apology to your sister... it takes practice to get the balance right, and you're bravely taking up that quest.  The more you do it, the less alarming it will likely feel. 

I know how frustrating it is to pay people to do their jobs, and find they're not only NOT doing their jobs, but sabotaging you.... actually harming children they're supposed to be helping.   I wish I could say something uplifting, but there's only perseverance and doing everything you can to get the best possible outcome...... and then releasing expectation.   

You can't do more than you can do.  You can't.  You can't control those bastages in positions of authority and control over you and your son's care..... you can only slog through paperwork, and phone calls, then follow up.  Speak calmly, and stick to the important things.  You know this drill better than anyone, IME.  You'll do your best, and make peace with it somehow, bc that's all you can do.

About feeling lethargic and achy.... me too.  What IS that?  My hips, which normally never hurt.  My shoulders, which only hurt when I eat wheat typically...... my knees..... which usually don't bug me at all...... and my toes, which usually DO bug me are fine.   Maybe it's the warm weather, and breaking out sandals?  Different shoes?  I know I've started back with supplements, and eat more gf bread than normal lately, but.... it's concerning.   

If you have lower back trouble, lay on the floor or stand against the wall and try tilting your pelvis upwards.... little micro movements up, then back flat, and up again.  It's hard to stretch those muscles, but that helps me sometimes.  Better to try in private; )  SO looks like dirty dancing, lol.

I'm not getting everything on my to do list done, but I'm steadily getting big things done that take a lot of time.  Laundering all the quilts for the back porch, and all the beds, and guest sleeping spaces..... fresh and lovely.

I've been re reading parenting books I read when dd16 initially went into the Wilderness Program.  It's encouraging to find my comprehension has improved a good deal.  Sometimes I can't believe they're the same books.... like I'm reading them with a different brain, if that makes sense.

I hope your back feels better soon.  Working in the garden likely does your soul good, as does being out in nature.

Lighter

Yes to all of that, Lighter!  I'm wondering for me if all the aches and pains and generally feeling blurgh are anything to do with menopause?  I've definitely been having other symptoms so I'm wondering if it's all connected together.  But also I think (with me) it's a lot to do with boredom, in the sense that I spend so much time doing things I've already done, like chasing up doctors and trying to sort out appointments and read up on stuff for my son, when I want to be rolling down a big hill without a care in the world and basking in the sunshine at the bottom (although with my back at the moment that probably isn't a good idea, lol).  The dirty dancing moves sound fun enough to try with or without back pain, at the mo I feel like I've pulled a muscle on one side and maybe trapped the nerve as well, it's very painful when I move but I also get a sharp shooting pain at times all the way down my leg and up to my neck as well.  I've been doing some veeeeery gentle yoga for back pain and it is easing off so hopefully on the road to recovery.

And yes, people working hard  to stop you doing the best you can by your kids - what is that about?  We are slowly getting there, other doctors that I've contacted are being helpful, the GP is doing what she can to help, someone very kindly offered to help me with the admin - it's a bit too complicated a situation to get someone else involved, to be honest, by the time I explain what needs doing I could do it myself but it was lovely to have the offer and that alone helped.  My son is doing better in himself, I have realised that I am scared of him relapsing because I don't feel I could cope at the minute.  So some of the problem is my anxiety but, as I said to someone yesterday, it's well founded anxiety.  I'm really struggling now so I'm not willing to start pushing him until I've got some support in place in case things get harder.

Are you still being dive bombed by cicadas?

[Twoapenny]

Two a penny.....your right a child with cerebral palsy and a N mother not a good fit.....and I wonder why God would aline such a duo?  makes no sense to me at all.   OMG being physically normal and a N mother is sick enough to ruin your life forever.  He could not talk....walk or feed himself.  He had no control over any part of his body.  My dad was very good to him.....and my dad really was mom and dad all in one.....but he was a jumper for my mother and she took advantage of my dad......so I never learned I could say NO to my mother because my dad had no say in anything. 
My grandmother died at age 87 but she was in bed the last 3 years of her life......my dad got sick with melanoma and was given 3 months to live ....after my dad died my brother lost all interest to live with my NM taking care of him.  He went to skin and bones and died 5 months after my dad.  And my grandmother died the month after my brother. My dad was 51 when he died, my brother 24 and grandmother 87....my NM went to live to 100 and she was such a asshole...the old saying is true sometimes the good die young??

My NM was a like a bird.....free to do all the things she never did before.....but in that she blamed so much on me...she became meaner then I ever saw her.....because her husband wasn't there to wipe her ass.....he told me before he died to take care of her.....I wish he didn't do that to me.....but he was caught in my mother's spider nest.

I don't know about any of your ladies....but I never ever had a normal day in childhood.....my therapist said I don't ever know what normal is?  or how normal acts?  some of my kids that got caught in my mother's nest too are not nice to me.
My oldest daughter oldest daughter who just graduated from college......my daughter invited me to graduation and then uninvited me??? it has been very painful these past few days.....my mothers died 5 years next month and I feel like her legacy goes on.....
sadly Bettyanne......

So much loss, Bettyanne, so many people so close together like that, it's a horrible state of affairs.

Yes, my first therapist explained to me that my perception of 'normal' was very different to most people's as we grew up with totally different boundaries and priorities to most other people, which then paved the way for all sorts of problems as an adult.  I had no idea that any of what I'd been through was abusive, either, I remember my T, many years ago, talking about how I'd had this abusive childhood and been neglected and so on and I thought she's muddled me up with another patient!  And being the people pleaser that I was I didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset her.  It wasn't until she cited specific examples that I realised she was talking about me, and at that point I said "do you mean my childhood was abusive? I thought you were talking about someone else".  She gave me this real look of, I don't know, empathy? And just nodded her head and said, yes, I was talking about you.  You had an abusive childhood.  You were neglected and emotionally abused.  Someone framing it like that suddenly made a lot of things make sense, I think it was a real turning point for me.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your D and hope that gets sorted out soon?  It is an enduring legacy, unfortunately x

[Hopalong]

Bettyanne,
I'm so sorry. I would be very hurt, too.
I can hear how heavy your heart is right now.
You carry so many hard memories.

How can you invite yourself back into the present?
What are some things you might do every day to love yourself?

I'm really sorry it's been so hard.

Hops

[Bettyanne]

Wow....Twoapenny.....OMG being through abuse and thinking your T was talking about someone else!!! How sad is that...I knew nothing felt good to me from my NM and her mother....but my dad was kind but he was also from a abusive family or dysfunctional family both fit.  My dad's family totally unkind people.  My dad told me his dad had broken a broom stick over his back and hurt his mother because she was trying to protect him.  I think my dad didn't see anything wrong with my mother because of what he came from.  Abusive is abuse is abuse....on top of dysfunctional people.

I knew NM had something wrong with her when I would go to friends homes.  The other mothers cooked and cleaned their homes and even went to the grocery store to buy food.  Mine hated to do any of what I mentioned but acted like she was so smart because she was a secretary to men at Travelers Insurance Co.  I figured out she worked for minimum wage and had a eighth grade education with a year of business school.  Considering her mother went to 3 reader in Ireland she was brilliant.  I was told from my a cousin on my father's side they considered her brilliant.  OMG

It truly takes a lifetime and with NM dying at 100 she went the whole 9 yards....and it was like she knew it too!!

Thank you so much for your kind responses......Bettyanne

[Twoapenny]

I'm going through a really odd phase of wanting to go and apologise to my mum so that she'll like me again.  It was a common pattern when I was a child.  I'd upset her in some way, she wouldn't speak to me for days and would show very strongly how disappointed she was in me, I'd grovel and be nice with a capital N and eventually she'd relent and be nice to me.  I can still remember the relief I used to feel when she gave in and ended the seige, and I find I'm longing for that relief now.  It's not something I will act on, obviously, and I wondered if it means the anger I feel is finally dissipating (as I generally find with me that once my anger subsides I find there is sorrow and sadness underneath it).

[Twoapenny]

Wow....Twoapenny.....OMG being through abuse and thinking your T was talking about someone else!!! How sad is that...I knew nothing felt good to me from my NM and her mother....but my dad was kind but he was also from a abusive family or dysfunctional family both fit.  My dad's family totally unkind people.  My dad told me his dad had broken a broom stick over his back and hurt his mother because she was trying to protect him.  I think my dad didn't see anything wrong with my mother because of what he came from.  Abusive is abuse is abuse....on top of dysfunctional people.

I knew NM had something wrong with her when I would go to friends homes.  The other mothers cooked and cleaned their homes and even went to the grocery store to buy food.  Mine hated to do any of what I mentioned but acted like she was so smart because she was a secretary to men at Travelers Insurance Co.  I figured out she worked for minimum wage and had a eighth grade education with a year of business school.  Considering her mother went to 3 reader in Ireland she was brilliant.  I was told from my a cousin on my father's side they considered her brilliant.  OMG

It truly takes a lifetime and with NM dying at 100 she went the whole 9 yards....and it was like she knew it too!!

Thank you so much for your kind responses......Bettyanne

Yes I know, it seems funny now to think of it but at the time I really thought she was talking about someone else.

It's interesting what you say about your mum's work and her being thought brilliant because it was more than her mum had achieved, because I've often wondered how much the generational changes play a part in this, in the way that education and opportunities were so much more lacking for so many in times gone past.  I know that my mum's generation were just expected to get married and you got your status through your husband and how much money he earnt, basically.  Similarly with education, here in the UK there was no question of working class women going into higher education, they did their basic schooling and then went to be nurses or secretaries and that was pretty much the only choice (or cleaning ladies, that was the other one). I do wonder how much resentment and bitterness that must have caused in people.

Your dad's upbringing sounds horrible and it sort of makes sense that someone who experienced physical abuse wouldn't see verbal or behavioural stuff as abusive, if you see what I mean, they're used to something much more direct and immediate.  It's very sad

[Twoapenny]

I've had one of those lightbulb moments again.  I've complained many times about friends not being good friends and not supporting me and so on, and how much it's hurt me etc etc.  I've been thinking about it a lot, in the sense that I needed to stop thinking about it, if that makes sense, lol, I kept wondering why it's bothered me so much and why I couldn't shake it off.

I asked myself this morning whether I'd have been friends with most of those people if my life had taken a different turn - if I hadn't had my son in the circumstances I did, if he hadn't been disabled, if I'd followed my chosen career path instead of giving it up and so on.  And the answer, in almost every case, was no.  I have, for many years, been thinking that there must be a reason that things have happened the way they have, and it must be that I'm supposed to be in this situation for whatever reason, and so these people are part of that.  But I woke up this morning and thought, that's just nonsense.  I'm not happy and it is down to me to change the situation rather than accepting it and trying to be happy within it.

I'm not the sort of person that frets over certain things making me happy - clothes, how my hair looks, whether I got my nails done, that sort of thing.  But I am definitely very affected by the lack of things in my life and I think I've been too complacent in accepting my situation and trying to be happy within it (and by default, being happy with friends who I wouldn't have in my life if I hadn't ended up living here on a low income, quite honestly).  It feels like a weight off my shoulders and I'm wondering, as always, why it's taken me so long to see it.

[Hopalong]

I find I'm longing for that relief now.  It's not something I will act on, obviously, and I wondered if it means the anger I feel is finally dissipating (as I generally find with me that once my anger subsides I find there is sorrow and sadness underneath it).

I think that is so perceptive and mature, Tupp. It really helps, imo, to see the sorrow beneath anger. Just seems to be a more seasoned understanding of your own humanity -- even hers. So glad you won't act on it, but so impressed that you can own the feelings. Without them becoming impulses you act on.

(And heck YEAH you deserve some kindly, maternal love! If it has to be self love, it takes more effort, I know. But at least you are identifying and respecting your own longings and needs. Good for you. It does feel sad, to touch those childhood hurts. But it's also okay. That was then and wow, where you have gotten to....)

I've been having a funny experience with two old ladies I'm also working for now, intermittently. They are both very sweet (though one's a mixed bag) and always inquiring after me, delighted by every anecdote I share, insisting I eat pie, calingl me dear (one calls out "I love you!" every time I leave). They are starved to be with a younger person and it's ironic. Here I am at 67 being the "child" in moments to doting people in their 90s. Suddenly at this age, I'm experiencing maternal attention that's much more affectionate than my own mother was capable of.

?What the heck! I guess you're never too old for your inner child to receive some of what she needs....

I hope you'll practice steadily on loving your inner girl, and that soon 3D others will appear in your life who offer love, too. Meanwhile, here's some love from me!

xxoo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Aw thank you, Hops, for the kind words and the love, always much appreciated

I do like the idea of your ladies mothering you a bit, it is nice to get affection and genuine pleasure from people.  Always nice to feel wanted

I've had a funny couple of days, I feel a bit like I'm sort of shedding some stuff?  It's hard to put a clear description on but I had the funny thing about wanting to apologise to my mum, and this last couple of days I've been feeling a real sense of grief for a life I could have had but didn't.  I've found myself thinking what if? quite a lot.  What if they'd encouraged me to do well at school, what if they'd encouraged my love of music and drama, what if they'd been interested in the things I had to say, or encouraged me to develop my personality as it suited me, or supported me to make good decisions but also letting me make mistakes and letting me know they had my back no matter what.  And it really hit me quite hard, thinking how much different things could be, simply by being in a situation that involved normal love - not perfect, but just not toxic.  It had me in a bit of a spin but I have done pretty well with some yoga and a nice walk rather than mountains of biscuits.

I met up with an old school friend today, we've recently got back in touch after twenty five years of not knowing where the other one was and something was just tingling my antennae.  I can't quite put my finger on it but I came away feeling a little bit out of sorts and wondering if another foray into the past is a good idea.  Quite possibly not.

Lots of love to you too, Hopsie (and pooch!) xx

[lighter]

Hi Tupp:

If the friend was a positive person, with good memories attached, then consider re connecting perhaps.

If thing aren't super friendly, and feel just right.... perhaps not.

It seems like it's one more contact to inform your FOO about where you are, and what you're doing... even if it's by accident, IME.

Really ask yourself... if this feels good and right, and positive. 

It's OK to say NO to people who show up at the wrong time or aren't what you really need in your life, etc.  It's OK to ask for more, and expect more from people (((Tupp.)))

Don't ask, don't get, IME.

Lighter