How Do You Manage Your Stress?

[Twoapenny]

That's a huge (and urgent, for your niece) question, Tupp.

Can you make an appt to talk it over with your T?

love,
Hops

I know, it's a horrible one.  I can't really see T at the minute as I've not been able to arrange any care for my son yet (the wheels turn slowly here!).  Added to which, given that I've already reported him to social services, the police and brought it up with every other person in authority I've ever spoken to and none of them believed me I don't even know who or where to go to should that be necessary.  For what it's worth, it doesn't seem that she spends any time alone with him or at the house I (I think it tends to be more that they all meet up for lunch with the kids' dad).  But yes, it's a horrible one, I know I wouldn't let him near my daughter.  I did let my son go round there when he was little which I regret now, but back then I doubted the validity of my own feelings and memories (which makes me wonder if the same happens to my sister).  On the flip side it might not be an issue at all (he might not have the opportunity/might not have done it since I 'outed' him/he might be to ill).  I think I might find a way to raise it with my sister, maybe something about what went on with me and gauge her reaction and take it from there?

[Twoapenny]

We had a really good day out with some friends yesterday and I noticed that my usual anxiety and worry about 'what other people think' wasn't there.  That was good.

I also thought more about my sister and I feel she is in a place that I used to occupy - denying her own needs to keep others happy, no boundaries, working herself into the ground whilst others get to sit and relax, the sense of denial around the sexual abuse.  I know that someone trying to force me to see that would never have worked - it took me forever to get to a point where I really understood where I was and could take steps to change it.  I also find it quite difficult to talk to her sometimes, as it feels a bit like I'm talking to my younger self.  I find I get a bit resentful that people come to me when they want to talk things through, as I had to pay someone to listen to my problems!  I feel a bit like I've done all the work so that other people don't have to.  I'm trying not to draw any conclusions from this at the moment as I'm not really sure how I feel about it all.  I do think it would be easy for me to fall back into my former big sister role, but I don't feel that I want to.  Just leaving that hanging at the moment.

[Twoapenny]

My sister's Facebook posts are starting to freak me out, there's loads about child sex offenders and how they should be castrated etc. I'm wondering whether I should text her or something, I think I'm just going to leave it in the back of my mind and see if 'something' tells me what to do.  I don't know if it's a cry for help or my family's trait of throwing stones in glass houses.  If it's a cry for help I'm not entirely sure I want to be the one to help her either?  Which I know sounds selfish but I feel like I'm just starting to get my life feeling like something other than an endurance test.  I think I'll leave it for now and see how it settles in my mind.  Also thinking either she believes my step-dad abused me but still lets her daughter near him or she thinks I'm making it up, which then changes things in my mind about our situation.  Am switching of the computer for a bit; I think some real life distraction is needed.

[Hopalong]

I can imagine the whole situation is gnawing at you, Tupp. How painful.
And I can understand how hesitant you are to plunge into an attempt to either rescue your niece or confront your sister. She is doing that process-things-on-the-internet thing but it does sound as though she is waving flags. I dunno if they're red flags or messages to the universe or expressions of anger or appeals for help. Sounds like you're trying to figure that out.

If she's escalating posts that refer to sexual abuse, I wonder if that means she's actually coming out of denial about the family's past, or whether your niece has had something happen with your stepfather. I mean, as you do, I wonder if there's a real-world, present trigger for all this.

Sister is not a static being any more than you are, so maybe if you did talk with her, you could make it more about listening and being present in a way that allows her to open up and share what's on her mind? You could just say, "I know I can't fix anything for you or Niece. But if you need to talk..."

I guess it's Niece, more than anyone, who may need to be heard. I hope if she needs protection it happens proactively rather than in hindsight. I hope her mother is listening or if not, that some adult she trusts will.

Fingers crossed you'll soon find a way to see your T, regardless. It'll be good to have that safe space and safe person established during good times, to create resilience for the not so good things that come around.

Happy Spring, Tupp...garden within and without!

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I can imagine the whole situation is gnawing at you, Tupp. How painful.
And I can understand how hesitant you are to plunge into an attempt to either rescue your niece or confront your sister. She is doing that process-things-on-the-internet thing but it does sound as though she is waving flags. I dunno if they're red flags or messages to the universe or expressions of anger or appeals for help. Sounds like you're trying to figure that out.

If she's escalating posts that refer to sexual abuse, I wonder if that means she's actually coming out of denial about the family's past, or whether your niece has had something happen with your stepfather. I mean, as you do, I wonder if there's a real-world, present trigger for all this.

Sister is not a static being any more than you are, so maybe if you did talk with her, you could make it more about listening and being present in a way that allows her to open up and share what's on her mind? You could just say, "I know I can't fix anything for you or Niece. But if you need to talk..."

I guess it's Niece, more than anyone, who may need to be heard. I hope if she needs protection it happens proactively rather than in hindsight. I hope her mother is listening or if not, that some adult she trusts will.

Fingers crossed you'll soon find a way to see your T, regardless. It'll be good to have that safe space and safe person established during good times, to create resilience for the not so good things that come around.

Happy Spring, Tupp...garden within and without!

love,
Hops

Happy Spring to you, too, Hops!  Do you do Easter in the States?  I don't celebrate myself but I do enjoy the four day holiday

Yes, it is hard to work out what's best to do, not only because I'm aware my own feelings can become clouded in situations like this.  Her daughter's coming up to the age I was when he started abusing me - maybe the age my sister was as well?  Maybe it's starting to trigger stuff.  Maybe she just randomly clicks on posts and shares them as many do on Facebook.  I think I might try and sound her out about it a bit without being too obvious.  Thanks for your reply and wise words, Hopsie, I do appreciate it xx

[Hopalong]

I'm glad you'll try sounding her out, Tupp. That way you're injecting a positive intention and that's a good.

I have always loved Easter mostly for its pagan joys, and the beauty of the season. But since I lost my D (5 years of silence now) it's too painful to attend church that day. So many memories of being there with her, little girls with their families...all of that.

But I still recognize the joy of rebirth and renewal and new life, and all the wonderful symbolism around the day. I'd probably happily attend an Easter Egg hunt elsewhere, just not in my home sanctuary for now anyway.

I love watching kids be happy. (Loved your description of your son laughing, for example. Big smile here!)

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad you'll try sounding her out, Tupp. That way you're injecting a positive intention and that's a good.

I have always loved Easter mostly for its pagan joys, and the beauty of the season. But since I lost my D (5 years of silence now) it's too painful to attend church that day. So many memories of being there with her, little girls with their families...all of that.

But I still recognize the joy of rebirth and renewal and new life, and all the wonderful symbolism around the day. I'd probably happily attend an Easter Egg hunt elsewhere, just not in my home sanctuary for now anyway.

I love watching kids be happy. (Loved your description of your son laughing, for example. Big smile here!)

love
Hops

Yes I'm quite similar, Hops, I love all the newness at this time of year, the trees are dripping with blossom, there are flowers coming out everywhere and people are just more cheerful because they're not trudging through the wind and the rain all day.  I love seeing happy kids as well (my own has just got some new Lego so he is very happy, lol, a friend wanted to by him Easter Eggs but his epilepsy medication has made him put on a bit of weight so I'm limiting treats at the moment so she very kindly gave him money instead, which he spent immediately).  I'm sorry there is no word from your D.

I have mentioned to my sis about the posts (in a reply to a text message she sent me earlier) and I've not heard anything back.  I do find dealing with my family quite stressful, even in this context, because I know how crazy they can all get.  I have been thinking to myself that kids are more switched on than they used to be and have their own phones and so on, plus there is more taught in schools now about sexual abuse and that sort of thing.  So I'm hoping that 'if' something did/has happened that my niece would feel able to tell someone at school, or a friend's mum, or contact me via Facebook or something.  I'm also hoping the fact that I did eventually tell and that I haven't stopped telling since might mean he'll have kept himself to himself.  Or even that he's just too old now; apparently his health isn't good.  It's difficult, you can worry to the nth degree but also do more harm than good by storming in.  Hard to know where to draw the line.  Anyway, thank you for the wisdom and the support, Hops, I do appreciate it, enjoy your Spring/Easter break xx

[Twoapenny]

She texted back after a couple of hours and just avoided the issue really, saying something had happened locally (not involving them).  It's raised quite a lot for me and I feel pretty shitty now, the whole 'family' thing becomes an issue again; either she's in denial about my abuse or she doesn't believe it happened, it's impossible to have a direct, honest conversation about any of it because they just don't do that, everything stays superficial and chit chatty and I find myself wondering how much of what I want from people do I put to one side - I ignore the racist Facebook posts and the support for racist organisations, I tolerate the lack of effort on their part to visit, the lack of effort put in for us when we visit them, the way mum is given priority over me for visits despite the fact she treats them all like dirt and then I get angry that all this family nonsense is in my head again when I can just ignore them all and fill my head with nice things and nice people.  I am going to bed, lol, and I think I might stay there for the rest of the weekend x

[Hopalong]

Well, you waded into a very unpleasant current unselfishly, Tupp, and learned what you needed to know. Your niece is okay. Whew. And bless you for enduring the discomfort of that communication in order to find out.

I'm sorry it brought up all those toxic spiderweb feelings for you. Same time, New Tupp is able to shake it off, refuse to let it seep in like an oily gas to spoil her OWN space and OWN Easter weekend. Trust her!

You don't have to keep up the contact, you really don't.

What can you do to remind yourself you know how to set boundaries? And how to reclaim your serenity and pleasure in the present?

Whatever that is, sending you hugs and hopes you'll re-anchor in the sweet, springtime, blooming, beautiful now. With all the New Life messages it gives.

hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

Well.... I had a day of running kids around, and missed this exchange, Tupp.  One minute you were happily awaiting the weekend's start, and the next you were heading for bed with the intention to stay till the weekend's over.

I'm wondering how it would feel to give yourself permission to take a break from all contact with your FOO...... whatever that looks like, for an unlimited time frame.  Just let it go, and feel OK about not taking calls, or responding to Facebook stuff, etc.  Stop reading Facebook.... everything.  All contact.

If you do that... what does it feel like?

I've decided not to attend something I committed to.... for reasons having nothing to do with me, and it FEELS bad/wrong/disloyal, but I'm just going to have to let it go, and have that be OK too.  It's not FOO stuff, but it's bothering me. 

That we're both wobbly about contact with others...... is....... probably a good thing as far as being even more mindful about it.  I'm able to look at it from other perspectives, and not just from the one critical one inside my head when I'm looking at myself.

What is Tupp's obligation?  What should Tupp be able to do for herself, and her own care?

I'm answering that question for myself, when I answer it honestly on your behalf... in my head.

I don't think you have to continue having contact with anyone in your family if they're marginalizing you, and disrespecting your time.  You're valuable, and you deserve to advocate for yourself.... to expect care, and consideration.

You going back for more of the same.... feels wrong to me.  A break doesn't have to be forever.  A break can give you distance that leads to clarity. 

I so hate that you stood up for yourself with regard to your SF, and everyone who could be harmed again by him.  That you stood up, and were left hanging in the breeze by everyone.... every single person who could have and should have backed you..... they all chose your SF and your mum, Tupp, IMO.  They chose to support the ones harming, and lying, and that's not acceptable, IME. 

You deserved so much more.  You don't always feel it bc they raised you to feel your needs aren't important, but they are, and you have the chance to put yourself first.  To meet your own needs.  You aren't obligated to give your FOO more chances to miss the mark, IME.  You've been doing it for years... you have.... dear, consistent, loyal Tupp.

They aren't able to honor you... not the way you deserve, and may eventually require for yourself, IME.

I say consider taking a complete break from them to see how it feels.  You've done your time, given your best, and tried to help those who could be helped.  You've met your obligations..... extended yourself.....

You can choose to give everything you have to yourself now, Tupp..... if you want.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter,

Well you read my mind!  Yes, yesterday was a funny day, I was in a really great place yesterday morning and felt really content and by bedtime I was ready to slap someone, lol.

I'll be staying off Facebook for now; I'm not a massive user anyway and my sister's feed is usually pics of the kids and what they're up to which is what I love seeing (and is also why I got the willies when the snaps of the kids turned into endless posts about paedophiles and sex offenders) and I'm not making a massive effort re contact anymore.  I will keep in touch via text (casual) and do birthdays etc but I feel more and more now that people are like food - you really need good, nutritious people who will feed your heart and your soul and make you feel good without taking endless amounts from you, and not the human version of burger and chips that ends up doing you more harm than good.  So I'll be arranging get togethers with good people over the next few weeks and focusing on that, this will all pass pretty quickly.

And I hate that I stood up to that piece of **** and everyone else took his side and left me hanging but ................ I've always had this thing about being able to look my son in the eye and tell him that I did my best and really mean it, and I feel I have where SF is concerned.  I raised the alarm, I alerted the authorities, I told the whole family (and anyone else that would listen) and realistically there's nothing more I could have done, or can do now.  Best of all, I have gone on and lived my life the best that I can and worked on myself to strive to be the best person I can manage to be and I'm proud of that, and proud to be able to tell my son that.  So bollocks to all of them and I think no-one had better annoy me today or they'll be getting a mouthful lol x

[Twoapenny]

Well, you waded into a very unpleasant current unselfishly, Tupp, and learned what you needed to know. Your niece is okay. Whew. And bless you for enduring the discomfort of that communication in order to find out.

I'm sorry it brought up all those toxic spiderweb feelings for you. Same time, New Tupp is able to shake it off, refuse to let it seep in like an oily gas to spoil her OWN space and OWN Easter weekend. Trust her!

You don't have to keep up the contact, you really don't.

What can you do to remind yourself you know how to set boundaries? And how to reclaim your serenity and pleasure in the present?

Whatever that is, sending you hugs and hopes you'll re-anchor in the sweet, springtime, blooming, beautiful now. With all the New Life messages it gives.

hugs,
Hops

Hopsie, thank you for your spring time support, it helped so much   I've had a good night's sleep (with my meditation music on) and serenity will be resumed!  There are pottering about jobs to do at home, we can go out for a nice walk, I stocked the fridge and freezer yesterday so lots of nice meals and I might go mad and bake a cake   Normal service has been resumed.

Will your pooch go Easter Egg hunting with you or would he scoff all the Easter Eggs? x

[Hopalong]

Bravo!

Well, she would happily knock aside toddlers like bowling pins to EAT the Easter Eggs... 

She was starved before she was rescued so she's very food focused. I have to put a big steel ball in the middle of her bowl to slow her or she chokes. She's done so well though. She's healthy, happy and the darling of downtown. Watching her transform from a broken dog into this prancing little goof who attracts pats and smiles like a super-magnet has been a joy.

I love walking downtown with her (our "downtown" is an all-pedestrian, practically-all-cafes wonderful magical brick mall, with boutiques and galleries and spots to eat or drink tea in the shade of huge trees down the center...with fairy lights, and buskers, and a huge stone fountain halfway down). It's a very dog-friendly place; the restaurants all put out water bowls.

Anyway, it's close, and one of my fav places to walk with her, because I get tired of going solo in the neighborhood. This way, I get my people-watching fix, and she gets lots of new feet and fur to sniff (and the great thing about cafe tables is that under them are CRUMBS). Every time I go there with her I have new contact with a stranger because she's got one of Those Faces. People can't resist her.

I tried to post a pic of her on Lighter's TTMMH thread but can't figure out the attachment. Ah well.

Happy day
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Aw Hops that sounds lovely!  What a nice place to live!  A nice, friendly neighbourhood makes such a big difference, especially when you want to be around people a bit without actually making any arrangements.  I love people watching.  Dogs are such great conversation starters, there's nothing nicer than a friendly dog wanting you to make a bit of a fuss of them   I love the idea of her knocking the kids over to get to the Easter Eggs   Lovely to hear that she's changed so much, it's amazing what love can do x

[Hopalong]

Just one more thought on your recent incident:

And I hate that I stood up to that piece of **** and everyone else took his side and left me hanging but ................ I've always had this thing about being able to look my son in the eye and tell him that I did my best and really mean it, and I feel I have where SF is concerned.

Hating that everyone left you hanging, hear hear. So many families are cowards. And, because of sexist culture over time, so many dependent females are afraid to give up their support or their mate status, having not had the opportunity or the courage (or neither) to create their own status and support.

But the BIG takeaways are:
You stood up to that piece of shit!
You really did do your best. (At a measure many people can't meet.)
You honored yourself AND your son. Your best was beyond good enough.

The others' decisions are their own karma. But you did so well. THAT'S what will last of this, in your lifetime. You stood up. For simple truth and for yourself. And it made all the difference.

The courage and integrity that took is part of you and will always be.

Big, beautiful truth.

hugs
Hops