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The Unexpected Truth - Short Essay by Ales2

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Ales2:
Hi Kathy - Thanks for your post and comments. I can relate to so much of what you said! Thank you!

Hi Lighter - That boss doesn't haunt me much anymore because he moved to Japan and has very little influence in hiring decisions here as a Producer.  Oddly, another boss I had is more trouble for me, I'm very paranoid about it because she has a very large network and I feel like every time I apply for a position where she knows the people there, the company name stands out and I get nervous about them calling her. I never did anything wrong, but she is malicious and very sneaky. She never says anything bad about anyone, but manages to say things like, "there are better hires out there" which kills you chances. I saw her do it to so many people when I worked for her. EVIL. She has truly learned how to play the game very well.

Hi Skeptikal - I don't know the father/son stories but I find them online somewhere. It sounds interesting.  As far as regaining my sensitivity, I don't think I did. I learned a huge lesson about "life is unfair" and in some ways, I am kind of callous with an "oh well" type attitude.  When I went through the mud, very few people seemed to care - maybe thats because they viewed me as a strong person and didn't need help, or because they are already know life is unfair, and they've let me discover/learn it for myself. Not sure.  But in the end, my sensitivity has become more like a recipe for a "tough cookie", i.e tough, but still retains some sweetness. I think I am still a nice person, but less of a doormat and target.

Hi Hops - I'm doing well, thanks for asking!

Hope everyone is doing well here too!

lighter:

--- Quote from: Ales2 on April 06, 2017, 08:26:30 PM ---

Hi Lighter - I saw her do it to so many people when I worked for her. EVIL. She has truly learned how to play the game very well.

Hope everyone is doing well here too!

--- End quote ---

Ales:

That word.... EVIL.  I'm writing out the last 11 years for my oldest dd16.  She's blocked out many things, especially from the first and second years......and can't really put a time together.  In the writing of this.... history.... the word EVIL keeps popping up, and I'm so..... I don't want to use that word, though it's the correct word to use, IMO.

I'm glad we can use that word here without being questioned about it, or punished.

Lighter

JustKathy:

--- Quote ---That word.... EVIL.  I'm writing out the last 11 years for my oldest dd16.  She's blocked out many things, especially from the first and second years......and can't really put a time together.  In the writing of this.... history.... the word EVIL keeps popping up, and I'm so..... I don't want to use that word, though it's the correct word to use, IMO.

I'm glad we can use that word here without being questioned about it, or punished.
--- End quote ---

Unrelated, but something you might find interesting about the word EVIL. After I had my final blowup with my N-mother and went NC, she sent me a letter, several pages of ranting that was partly an attack on me, and partly a pity-party for her. In the letter she wrote, "One day you'll learn the truth, and realize that I wasn't the evil mother you told everyone I was."

After I got the letter, I showed it to my therapist for her to read and analyze. She asked me about that specific line, and if I had ever told anyone that NM was evil. I hadn't. In my entire life, I had never used that word in reference to NM, not to anyone. My therapist suggested that maybe NM knew her actions towards me had been evil. Very odd choice of words, considering she had NO reason to believe I had ever used it myself.

Something to ponder, anyway, that it came out of HER mouth and not mine. And why? Do these people actually know that their actions are considered by others to be evil? Just a random thought ...

Kathy

Ales2:
Hi JustKathy.

That's an interesting anecdote about your NM's use of the word Evil.

My guess (and its a guess)is one of 2 things.

One is that its a sign of pathological lying and exaggeration.   NMothers have a tendency to criminalize normal behavior. If a kid dropped a dish while drying it accidentally as a child, first the kid would be insulted and called a klutz for several weeks, then punished by taking away allowance money and sent to the room after taking out the trash.  In other words an overblown response - punishment not fitting the crime --and its not a crime - its an accident!

Second one is that NMothers usually have a negative bias. Anything that occurs is negative, our fault, we deserve the negativity, bad luck, punishment, consequences. We are never given the benefit of doubt or encouraged in anyway when things go wrong.  That negative bias is how they view the incident and so its out of proportion. 

EVIL might be her way of criminalizing what was said or its a sign of negative bias.

Does that make any sense?

JustKathy:

--- Quote ---EVIL might be her way of criminalizing what was said or its a sign of negative bias.
Does that make any sense? 
--- End quote ---

It makes perfect sense.

It could also be that "evil" was simply at the forefront of her mind when thinking of me, and may have just been projected back on herself as something I was saying about HER. While she never called me evil to my face, she constantly referred to me as "The Bad Seed," in reference to the film about a child who is born evil. The film came out a few years before I was born, and was one of her favorites. Whenever I would make a basic mistake, like your analogy of the dropping of a dish, I would often hear, "That's Kathy for you. She was born a bad seed."

The darned thing about that reference, is that my NM had such poor comprehension, she didn't truly understand the comparison she was making. In the film, it's revealed that the child was adopted, and that the birth mother was, well, evil (a serial killer, I believe). A psychiatrist then theorizes that the evil traits were genetic. NM never seemed to understand, that in the context of the film, my being a bad seed meant that I was the product of an evil mother. :)

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