To my friends on the Board - I wrote this four years ago for a short essay contest. Had it on my computer since then and stumbled on it today. Hope everyone enjoys this story, best wishes to all!
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Losing my job came quickly and unexpectedly. Not just any job, but my dream job. The unexpected truth I learned shocked me and my recovery took two, long agonizing years. But first, I had to make it through the call.
A dreaded, surprise conference call from the corporate office. Shortly after thanksgiving, production on our projects had ended. No upcoming projects were on our development slate. For a production company, this is a sign of anemia, a slow bleed of funds to keep people employed until the next project is greenlit. These situations rarely end well, especially with just two of us, the Executive Producer and myself. I knew that and I was prepared.
I focused my discussions on the business, as a Production Executive, I had vital information to share about prospects in development. My Boss could have cared less about my contribution to the conversation. He began harping on the decline in funding available but his argument quickly weakened. His tone shifted and his temper simmered under the surface. His stern voice informed me “Your producing days are over.” This was not business, it was personal.
The call ended abruptly. These were very harsh words to me. I remained calm even when he aroused my emotions and I hid my frustration and despair one last time. He antagonized me with his insensitivity and pushed me to head home to “ruminate.” I had other ideas. My purpose was to wrap up all the outstanding deliverables for the projects. I was being paid until end of December and I intended to leave good work behind, something I decided he could not take from me.
Driving home, I phoned a business mentor and did something I had never done before, I complained. Whined actually. Not at being let go, but in my confusion for the truth of the situation. She offered her best suggestions and they felt insufficient. Without the truth, there would be no way for me to move on.
I finished out the week, hoping to gather more understanding. I didn’t, aside from his annoyance at my decision to complete my responsibilities. Production is like a tennis match, whatever ball arrives in your court, requires one to be prepared and send the ball back over the net with full force. I’ve never forgotten that.
The year ended badly. Christmas came, I was out of work and not feeling like celebrating very much. I still believed that as every door closes another opens, but I was increasingly conflicted. One night, when I could not fall asleep, I made two lists on the back of an envelope. One side was mistakes I had made and situations I could have handled differently. The other side, a list of my Boss’ shortcomings. I realized that he had once told me, on our first project, that Producers are good leaders, not followers. In my last month there, I challenged his judgment and advocated for the project, the writers point of view, the networks suggestions and finally, for my own. I had asserted myself and he was punishing me. This was my fatal mistake.
Then something strange happened. The New Year arrived and I acquired book rights for a movie and started pitching it around town. Initially, the author was a friend and we collaborated well. Months later, he got frustrated with the slow development process and we had an argument and dissolved our partnership. He exhibited many of my Boss’ shortcomings I had noted on the envelope. I checked them off like a laundry list.
Over lunch, I consulted with a Producer friend who listened to my current dilemma and noticed a repetitive pattern.
She inquired, “Who in your life spoke to you this way?
I suggested my Boss.
“No, before that.” she said.
Surprisingly, I quickly acknowledged my Mother spoke to me this way as a teenager and adult. My friend questioned whether I had ever considered my Mother was a Narcissist and my lack of assertiveness a problem. No, I had not. Concerned, she suggested I research the subject of Narcissism in relationships.
Relationships? Weren’t we talking about a professional business situation? That’s when the unraveling came. I recalled some key incidents and revisited my own responses to the difficult situations I encountered at work. When I got stuck, it centered around personal interactions, not business. Still, none of it made any sense. Similarities between Mothers words and Boss’ words began to overlap. Journaling kept them organized as my envelope list grew.
Growing up, my Mother was not to be challenged. Don’t talk back and avoid conflict was her philosophy in dealing with me. The parallels of the words, tone, and cruelty between my Boss and my Mother astounded me. Hard work was insufficient. Accomplishments were ignored or belittled. Assertiveness was actively discouraged and punished. Intelligence was challenged. Verbal undermining was their primary strategy. Condescending attitude implied my unworthiness. Incessant, excessive expectations. Demeaning and belittling was a form of control. Manipulation was a perverse pleasure. Repeated attempts at conflict resolution failed. There were no overt signs. Criticism was done in person, cruelty via phone. Allowing this second class treatment had become my own chosen obstacle to success.
The unexpected truth I unearthed magnified my deeper insecurities. My ground was shaken. The roots pulled up from my tree. Therapy helped for a time, but my confidence and belief in myself suffered greatly for many months. Mostly, I was hurt. Solutions were complicated and not self evident. I had not found a new job, and I was terrified of a similar situation. My finances became my new problem, my savings dwindled and insomnia and anxiety were my new friends. Decisions became difficult and time just seemed to slip away. The same situation would emerge and I would respond the same way. I was not making progress.
Discovering my Mother was a Narcissist was a life changer for me. Her negativity and selfishness was something I had struggled with all my life and infected all my crucial relationships. I had a string of awful Bosses, less than supportive friends, and the emotionally unavailable boyfriends I attracted were the reason I was glad I remained single. Many of my struggles disappeared. Others required me to learn new ways of dealing with people.
My attitude changed. I disengaged and wanted no contact. No calls, no visits. I told her she was no longer welcome in my home. And to her complete surprise and frustration, she realized I meant it. I did not speak to her for almost two years. What I did not know was that Ns become worse when rejected. My next lesson was rejection generates insults or further abuse. I could never trust her again and without trust, relationships cannot be rebuilt.
In the end, our relationship was no different, same negativity, different day. But, I had changed with my newly acquired wisdom and assertiveness. I was impervious to her words, too clever for her games, and I moved on with a new set of expectations and boundaries for all areas of my life.
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