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My T said my NM was ten years old mentally

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Twoapenny:
It is tough, Betty Anne, I do feel for you.  Personally I found writing a great way to get out the things I couldn't say to her to her face (as you mention wanting to tell your mum off now but she's passed so you can't).  Other people work their feelings out through art, gardening, long walks, voluntary work so it's worth trying different things to see what helps work things out of your system.  I've recently started trying to meditate daily and I've found that helpful as well.  But yes, it's a tough and lonely road, but not an uncommon one, I think a lot of people have difficult relationships with their parents but people don't tend to talk about it too much.  People here understand x

sKePTiKal:
I found writing cathartic too. I could "go back in time" and do all my telling off of my mom on the page... in my 12 yr old voice, writing real large, all caps, large shaded letters. I could ask all the why questions I wanted - and then shift my voice to being my own analyst. Pages & pages & pages of that until I was done; it was water over the dam and I wasn't angry anymore. Typically, I'd have a ceremonial bonfire to dispose of all those... but I just threw them in the trash and let them go to the landfill to be buried along with a lot of other toxic waste.

JustKathy:
My NM also had the maturity of a child, almost a toddler. I saw this most often in her tantrums. These were physical tantrums, where she would actually fold her arms, stomp her feet, and stick her tongue out. Often it would be followed by "I'm not speaking to you." You'd then get the silent treatment for a few hours or a few weeks, depending on how angry she was. It was surreal to see my grown mother having an actual tantrum, while my adult father looked on as if it were a perfectly normal thing to do.


--- Quote ---she used work and church to get away from the family or life?
--- End quote ---

I find it very interesting that your NM was a workaholic. I'm curious about the kind of job (or jobs) she held. My NM was never able to hold down a job because she couldn't take orders from others. She was highly uneducated and only qualified for entry level positions, which she'd quit after a few short weeks. She'd walk off the job in a rage after someone with experience and a college degree got a promotion instead of her. She did love volunteer jobs where she had perceived power, or could be "in charge," like being a scout leader, president of the PTA, and later in life, President of the Homeowners Association and "senior citizen volunteer officer" at her local police station. She loved any job, paid or unpaid, where she could make the rules and/or enforce them. After reading your comment, it occurs to me that one of her reasons for doing this was quite likely to get away from family or life. When she was in those volunteer positions, she was getting the respect (albeit perceived respect) that she felt she wasn't getting at home.

Kathy

Twoapenny:

--- Quote from: JustKathy on May 01, 2017, 02:25:33 PM ---My NM also had the maturity of a child, almost a toddler. I saw this most often in her tantrums. These were physical tantrums, where she would actually fold her arms, stomp her feet, and stick her tongue out. Often it would be followed by "I'm not speaking to you." You'd then get the silent treatment for a few hours or a few weeks, depending on how angry she was. It was surreal to see my grown mother having an actual tantrum, while my adult father looked on as if it were a perfectly normal thing to do.


--- Quote ---she used work and church to get away from the family or life?
--- End quote ---

I find it very interesting that your NM was a workaholic. I'm curious about the kind of job (or jobs) she held. My NM was never able to hold down a job because she couldn't take orders from others. She was highly uneducated and only qualified for entry level positions, which she'd quit after a few short weeks. She'd walk off the job in a rage after someone with experience and a college degree got a promotion instead of her. She did love volunteer jobs where she had perceived power, or could be "in charge," like being a scout leader, president of the PTA, and later in life, President of the Homeowners Association and "senior citizen volunteer officer" at her local police station. She loved any job, paid or unpaid, where she could make the rules and/or enforce them. After reading your comment, it occurs to me that one of her reasons for doing this was quite likely to get away from family or life. When she was in those volunteer positions, she was getting the respect (albeit perceived respect) that she felt she wasn't getting at home.

Kathy

--- End quote ---

The idea of a grown woman actually stamping her feet and sticking her tongue out sounds quite funny but I know when you're the one having to deal with it it's anything but!  We used to get the silent treatment as well, usually without even knowing why (and when we did find out it would be some tiny misdemeanor such as not making her a cup of tea when she got home from work or not walking the dog for long enough).  My mum refuses things like a child; I was getting myself a glass of milk once and asked her if she'd like one and instead of just saying "no thanks" she went into this elaborate retching and pretending to spit sort of pantomime, just as a child would.  And I actually said to her, "no thank you will do!" as you would to a child.  There's definitely a developmental stage they stay stuck at.  It makes me wonder if we should have schools that focus on emotional development rather than academic so that someone can help you through each developmental stage so you don't still have the mind of a three year old when you have kids of your own :)

JustKathy:

--- Quote ---My mum refuses things like a child
--- End quote ---

My mother did that too! She had a very limited menu of items that she would eat, all things from her childhood. Everything had to be "plain." Salads with no dressing, pizza with no toppings, burgers that were only bun and meat, soda with no ice. When we moved from Canada to California, restaurant dining was very different because Mexican food was so popular in L.A. (and non-existent in Canada). Rather than try something new, she would refuse to eat it, and say that she hated it. Whenever we had a Scout meeting after school, everyone would want to go out for Mexican food. She would immediately say, "I HATE Mexican food." She also told me to tell my friends that I hated Mexican food, something that I was constantly ridiculed for in school. Many years later, when I was an adult, a relative came to visit and wanted to go out for Mexican food. I remember NM throwing a tantrum, stamping her feet, and telling my father, "I told you - NO MEXICAN FOOD."

Funniest thing was her refusal to eat cheesecake. Having never tried it, she thought it tasted like cheese. Hearing someone say they HATE cheesecake is just nuts. Oddly enough, she loved rhubarb pie, something that most people dislike. My grandmother used to grow rhubarb and make pie when NM was a child, so that was the only thing she would eat for dessert. Her food tastes were those of a very young child, and she remained stuck in that place for her entire life.

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