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Narcissist Moms and Mother's Day

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sunblue:
Well today is Mother's Day.  For those of us with Narcissist moms, it is a painful day.  My social feeds are filled with stories of how other's moms showed them throughout their lives they were special.  They talked of the sacrifices they made  They post heartfelt, funny and loving photos of the two of them.  They share memories of how their moms helped them follow their passions, become better human beings and learn from their lessons of love as they raised their own families.  They tell of the special ways they will spend today with their moms.  They even proudly post pics of the Hallmark cards, flowers and gifts they presented their grateful moms.

Being raised by a Narcissist mom, I have really none of those experiences.  Days like today remind me of just how much I missed.  I never had a mom who encouraged me, cared about my interests or helped me find happiness.  I never had a mom who wanted to be a mom.  I never had a mom who appreciated the special gifts and cards and gestures I made every Mother's Day.  I never had a mom who cared about MY life....only hers.  I never had a mom I could talk to or share my problems and fears.  Yet my mom was and is still here.  A mom, but not a mom.  What I had was a marginal parent-----who fulfilled her responsibilities to feed, clothe and educate her children...but really nothing else. 

I was not lucky in that I was also not blessed with my own family.  I could not take the lessons I learned in how not to be a mom and apply it to my own family.  But I think sometimes the best those of us who were raised in Narcissistic families can do is make a promise not ever to repeat those mistakes....to raise their children with love and attention and affection, to be generous with themselves and not selfish, to be a Mom....and not just a parent.

Today hurts....a lot.  I look around and see what so many others have and have had in their life----and what an incredible difference it made in the happiness and successes they were able to achieve as adults.  I also know there are lots of us out there-----who did not have those benefits, who were raised in emotionally and physically abusive homes.  But society has deemed today is not a day for us.  It is a day for them.....those who already have had so many days in their lives of celebration. 

So I come here today to share a bit and vent....with those in this world who understand.  For those of you lucky enough to be Moms today, I wish you a heartfelt and happy Mother's Day.  I hope you have been able to find some joy in your motherhood and I hope today that you are being rightfully celebrated.

And for the rest of us....who were not blessed...but who have, through our empathetic hearts and actions---contributed to the lives of others and their children----as aunts, friends, daughters, cousins----let us remember that we matter in this world too.  Even though our own mothers never taught us that we had value and were worthwhile of anything good in this life.

Happy Mother's Day and wishing those of us in pain today.....strength and unity.

Sunblue. 

JustKathy:
Thank you so much for posting what I'm sure most of us here are feeling today. Mother's Day, for me, is like Valentine's Day for a lonely single person. We are excluded. Like you, my Facebook feed is filled with those posting loving tributes, profile photos changed to those of a beloved mother, and perhaps the worst, the poems about a mother's love that we're told to "share to show how much you love your mom."

Sunblue, one thing we have in common is that I, too, have no children. I was never able to take the plunge, for myriad reasons, all relating to my upbringing. My N-mother's idea of preventing a teen pregnancy was not to educate me on birth control, but to tell me horror stories about women who died in childbirth. After therapy got me past that one, I still felt unworthy and ill-prepared to raise a child. Hardest of all was the constant fear that I would repeat what my own mother did to me. I've been told that daughters of Ns tend to overcompensate, and give their children all the love and support they were denied themselves, and then some. That seems to be true, but still .... I just couldn't.

I tried to log onto FB today, but promptly left and won't be returning until this awful onslaught is over. I did, however, see one thing that caught my attention. One woman who I have friended posted this:

To all my sweet friends, hope your Mother's Day is a good one. No mother ever raises a child alone...my gratitude to family, friends, teachers, professors, doctors, nurses, coaches, book writers, artists, musicians and to all that love children.

I felt a little better after reading that one.

Stay strong,

Kathy

Twoapenny:
It is hard, Sunblue, and Just Kathy, and anyone else that is going through this today.  Maybe there should be an 'I survived abuse' day or something like that, it surely is about time that those of us who've made it through difficult times should be able to stand up and be proud of what we've been through and the fact that we're still hanging on in there, painful though it is.

It's very tough because it feels like everyone else has a perfect family, but I really do think people tend to talk more about good things than bad, especially on social media.  It took me a long time not to feel resentful about the things I didn't have as a child that others take for granted.  I remember being at a little drinks party once and parents became a topic of conversation.  One lady was talking about how wonderful her mum was and how much she'd done for her over the years, and then she asked me about my mum.  I told her a little bit and her face just fell, she couldn't believe that a mum can be like that to her own child.  I think unless you've been through it it's just something unfathomable to so many others.

Well anyway, happy 'Surviving Your Mother' day to so many who will be feeling lost and alone today instead of celebrating with their mums (it's not Mother's Day here in the UK, I think it was some time last month :) ).

Hopalong:
I got through it pretty well yesterday, though Saturday was heightened lonesome. Should have planned for that but was tired so spent the whole day lolling about. A friend had offered a belated bday dinner and was flexible on when, so I said how about on M Day? She was fine with that; knows all about my D.

The Mday pain is awkward for me. I did have an Nmom (not as bad an N as many described here though, so was able to forgive and was healed by the time she died). But it's not painful memories of Nmom's intractable disorder that make it a hard day. It's that I haven't heard from my D in 5 years. Only child, only family.

I have zero expectation of D any more, though, so as long as I proactively plan for the day (skip church, be sure to have a pleasant plan with a friend) it's a pang but not agony as it was the first few years of her estrangement. And another close friend called just to say she was thinking of me. My most Nish friend didn't, seldom seems to. Re-evaluating that one a lot these days. I think the way this friend blows hot and cold is painful for me.

It's odd. I think of D almost every day but lately I've grown less interested in what's happening right now. Instead, I'm allowing myself to still enjoy happy memories of her childhood and the immense joy I experienced in being her Mom for so long. It's like, they're creeping back. I am reclaiming my right to my own memories and experiences, which her stance now doesn't invalidate. It can't. She can revise her own history in whatever way makes sense to her, but she can't revise mine. That's been a help to realize.

I subscribe to the newsletter of Dr. Joshua Coleman that supports parents of estranged adult children, which is very helpful. Once a week there's an article very specific to this particular pain. This recent one was very helpful to me.

THE ROLE OF MENTAL ILLNESS IN ESTRANGEMENT

 There are many ways that mental illness in a child would cause them to treat the parent in an abusive or distant way:

*       Their mental illness might interfere with their ability to regulate their thoughts, feelings, or affect

*       It may interfere with their ability to make correct causal links between their past and the parent's behavior. In other words, they may develop theories about why the parent behaved in the way that they did, or how that parent affected the child that have little-to-no basis in reality

*       It may cause them to feel in some way defective or flawed and need to blame the parent as a way to feel less shameful. In other words, blaming and abusing the parent is a way to preserve a sense of themselves as ideal and say that if they had had better parenting they wouldn't be burdened with the flaws they have or the way that their lives turned out

*     It may disrupt their ability to manage normal and inevitable conflicts between the parent and adult child. Because of their difficulty managing emotions, making causal links, or tolerating anxiety, a mentally ill child may be unable to adapt to the normal, expectable, and inevitable slings and arrows that come with family life

*     It may cause them to have unrealistic expectations of the parent or what they're entitled to receive in the parent-child relationship. In other words a child's mental illness may cause them to believe that the parent should make accommodations or provisions for the child that are far out of line with normal parent-adult child relationships

*    It may make them more vulnerable to manipulation from a more troubled person such as a SIL/DIL, your ex- spouse or other family member

I'm glad Mday is behind us and glad that spring is so beautiful. Having the windows open for days (under deep eaves) is a joy for me. Birds are going nuts. Have two new flower beds. Irises like crazy.

love to all,
Hops

JustKathy:
Awwwww, Hops. You got hit with a double whammy there. I was away from the board for a few years, so don’t know the details, but I completely understand how the estrangement from your own daughter would be far worse than the memories of your N-Mother. Much different situation when the mother genuinely loves the estranged daughter. That must be very painful for you and I’m just so sorry.

Your situation makes me wonder what my NM felt when I blew off Mother’s Day, which I always did. It was the one “holiday” that I wanted nothing to do with. We celebrated it when I was a child, but as an adult, I never went to visit, never sent a gift, or even a card. Especially not a card. The greetings inside an M-Day card all offer emotional sentiments of love and praise for a job well done. There was no way I was going to send something like that to a child abuser. I’d send her a birthday card, but I just couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge Mother’s Day.

I’m guessing that NM she was never hurt by this. More likely, she was angry, resentful, hateful towards me for not worshiping her on her special day. Truthfully, she was probably relieved that I was a no show. She didn’t want me around anyway, and my absence would have given her the opportunity to go full drama queen, crying and telling others how her beloved daughter had shunned her, and she didn’t even know why. Heck, maybe she wasn’t even angry. Maybe she LIKED it!

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