Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Narcissist Moms and Mother's Day
Twoapenny:
Hops, I'm sorry you didn't hear from your D. It made me realise that I hadn't thought about mum's that don't see their kids, for whatever reason, and people who loved their mums very much but they've now passed or perhaps are unwell and not really lucid anymore. There are so many ways a celebration can be painful for people who can't join in. I'm really glad you're cherishing those memories of happy times, though, and I still hope that something changes for your D at some point and she's able to talk things through with you xx
Hopalong:
Thanks, Kathy and Tupp--I appreciate it.
Five years now, so I no longer hope for a call. My bday is shortly before MDay so I just kind of toughen up and practice being grateful for the love I DO have in my life, and plan proactively for distraction.
I'm a whole lot better than when the grief was fresh. Gratitude helps, plus I've completely forgiven her. She maybe really truly can't help it, and some of the good articles, especially from the doc who specializes, really make me view her behavior with compassion.
I'd be both overjoyed and careful if she reappeared in my life, and do dream of the day. But not so much that I build any fantasies about it. Many estrangements last forever.
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on May 19, 2017, 08:56:22 PM ---Thanks, Kathy and Tupp--I appreciate it.
Five years now, so I no longer hope for a call. My bday is shortly before MDay so I just kind of toughen up and practice being grateful for the love I DO have in my life, and plan proactively for distraction.
I'm a whole lot better than when the grief was fresh. Gratitude helps, plus I've completely forgiven her. She maybe really truly can't help it, and some of the good articles, especially from the doc who specializes, really make me view her behavior with compassion.
I'd be both overjoyed and careful if she reappeared in my life, and do dream of the day. But not so much that I build any fantasies about it. Many estrangements last forever.
love
Hops
--- End quote ---
I think being able to understand the problems of the other person does give you another way of coping, doesn't it, when you can see it's an illness or health problem that's at the root of the situation. I can kind of see my mum can't really do anything about the way her mind works and the more I've learnt over the years the more I can there's an issue with the way she sees the world. I hope she finds a way to get past whatever the root of the problem is, she would be so lucky to have your love in her life (and pooch!). Life's so bizarre in the way it pairs us up with people, there are parents who don't want their kids and vice versa yet we always seem to be matched up with people we love and do want around but it can't happen for whatever reason. Belated Happy Birthday to you, too xx
sunblue:
It is both sad and comforting to read about all of your experiences around this topic. Anyone who has struggled with this issue for any length of time understandings (at least intellectually) that there is no good solution. They will never change. They will never even want to change. And while these narcissists may be our mothers, they never were our mothers, nor will they ever become the mothers we want and deserve, just as any child deserves a mother who cares about them. They are either incapable of it or undeserving of it...except in those situations that benefits them.
I have so much respect for those who have the courage to move on, move away, start over. I"m trying to develop the courage to do that.....for I realize my own N mom never cared, will not care and will never acknowledge the great pain she caused. I still struggle with understanding why I was so much more damaged than my siblings---why they were able to move on in life, develop relationships, have success in life---while I was not. Perhaps it is because I frankly have more of a heart than they do; perhaps it is because I have great empathy and they don't.....perhaps they were just lucky and I'm not. Regardless, it is a hard, hard thing to fully understand that you are alone in this world....that not even those individuals who are your "family" care nothing about you. Acceptance is both slow and difficult. Thanks to all of you for listening and sharing.
Bettyanne:
Thanks Sunblue for your words.....
Having N mother is such a sad things in our lives.....it is so hard to make sense out of a woman having a baby wanting to have no bonding with it.....no love or empathy or sympathy ......none no matter what you say to them......but the part that always got to me.....was when in front of strangers or her good friends could act so nice and so fake.
My mother would say on Mother's day that it is not just for one day that Mother's Day should be everyday....omg
how sick this women who wanted nothing to do with me wanted me to celebrate her everyday.
For years I would buy the nice Mother's day cards.....the hallmark cards with all the right words....loving etc.
But then when I found out she was a N in therapy.....I bought generic cards.....the basic basic ones.....the cheapest ones....and my MIL was a N as well so sent them both the same card. I remember I hated looking for Mother's day cards ....
Sunblue.....I regret not going NC with my mother. Please love yourself enough to do that for yourself.....no one needs to keep having a women who brought you into this world be so abusive to you for her entire life. Mine lived to 100 and she never changed the same until the end. Free yourself of her abuse ....and move on.....I am saying I will cheer you on your way .....Bettyanne
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