N Ex-Boyfriend

[cmarie]

I'm just new to this site and thankful to have found it.  The experiences I've read and the insight offered to others have prompted me to write.  My situation is a little bit different as my boyfriend and I are now broken up (he dumped me over the phone in May).  He absolutely refused to talk about anything of significance.  He made me believe that every issue in our relationship was my fault and when I ventured into discussion, he punished me by going to his 'cave' for a week at a time.  His claim is that he 'craves peace' and doesn't like conflict.  

My mother and father were both N and it is no surprise to me that I chose this man.  I'm working with a therapist.  Her belief is that by healing the tremendous pain I have with this breakup it will heal my parent issues as well.  

The problem?  I cannot get over the pain that his abaondonement causes me.  I know intellectually that he is not good for me and my 8 year old son.  In fact, my son despises him.  I've made lists of his good and bad qualities; and the bad far outweighs the good.  In fact, I realize that the good qualities were 'put on' as a way to keep me hooked and are in fact but a phony attempt at having a woman.  

His brother called me yesterday to let me know that he had his newest 'unsuspecting soul' at Thanksgiving to meet the family.  My heart goes out to her but at the same time hope that she won't be the one that can turn his behavior around -- as I was obviously unable to do.  And, it breaks my heart that he's running around with someone new and I'm in what Joan Boryshenko (sp?) refers to as the 'dark night of the soul' in trying to heal myself.  My therapy is critical to me right now and working through this pain, but it is so very difficult.

The new woman syndrome is nothing new for him.  There is always a new one.  He's quite secretive and once the newness has worn off and it's time to go to the next level of a relationship, he either punishes by going away to his cave or ends the relationship to start with a new woman.

Have any of you experienced the same thing with a N and this feeling of emptiness that follows the end of the relationship?  If so, I would greatly appreciate hearing your story and/or your thoughts.  

Thanks in advance for any help you can provide.  Carleen

[bunny]

Yes, you can get over his abandonment. He isn't integral to your life or survival. You may tell yourself you can't get over it, but that only reinforces the idea that you're helpless. You aren't.

The way to get past this is to have no contact. Not with his brother either. Not hearing anything about him. The therapist and this group (and others) can help. Don't think you have to do this alone. Focus on your son and that you're doing this for him.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Thank you, Bunny.  I appreciate hearing from you and I think I knew that in my heart but was unwilling to listen.  I've continued to believe that if I did something 'this way' instead of 'that way' we'd be ok . . . well, I've this'd and that'd and nothing changed . . . !  After posting my original letter, I reviewed many other postings and found great comfort in reading others' stories.

One of them especially spoke to me:  "N's do not see the world as you do.  They just seem to adapt to new circumstances, like a robot re-routing for a new power supply.  It's totally impersonal".  

For some reason, that gave me great comfort.  I tend to believe that people think like me -- but this man obviously doesn't.  This new woman is but a new source for him -- because she doesn't know him.  And no wonder he doesn't want to be with me!  It's funny . . . whenever he has contacted me since our breakup (which was often) and even during our relationship (which I can see now) I wasn't filled . . . I was depleted.  At least in being alone I am not getting robbed of my energy and essence any longer.  

Thank you for your support.  I so appreciate!

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain.  My exgirlfriend sucked the life from me, and I am hurting inside because I tried everything to make her feel loved and all I wanted was the intimacy that two people who say they love each other share.  Everytime we went out, I was left in the background while she displayed all this posturing to anyone who would listen.  At the end of the night, there was no talk of the people she talked to or anything interesting they had to say.  After two years of this, I realize that I wasnt really in a relationship, I was in a situation to provide whatever it was she needed at the time.  I went with a woman last night who is a friend and we had a blast.  I sat and listened to her talk and she was so interested in so many different things.  She complimented me and it felt really good, because it felt like the first time that anyone outside my group of friends had noticed that I am a person.  My ex made me feel like I was nothing.  She made sure of it in the end by just ripping everything about me and twisting everything to make me sound like a loser.  I know inside I am a good person, its just hard to know the one you expected to be there for you just dumps you and runs off with someone like you are nothing.  I am sorry for rambling, but I am still really shaken by this, but I know after last night that I am not the person she claimed me to be.  I wish you the best.  If you ever want to chat, my IM is bkkabri100 on yahoo.  take care.